To say what I like on Facebook, even if it hurts X's feelings?

[dragonstitcher]

Five weeks ago I left an emotionally abusive marriage of ten years. X wants us to stay friends because it's better for everyone involved esp the children. I have agreed to leave divorce for 2 years so that it will be a no-blame divorce.

Last week I went to my 12yo DD parents evening. She has always struggled at school and noone has ever been able to pin down why. She has been tested for ADHD and dyslexia which were both negative. We were referred to Family Therapy and went for 18 months but it never helped (apart from making me realise that here lay the route of DDs problems at school so I suppose it did help). All the teachers were really excited because DD has made fantastic progress in the last two months (she knew we were leaving two months ago - a coincedence or not?). She has excelled her target grade in seven subjects, her confidence has grown, her efforts have doubled and she is handing in homework. I didn't mention my theory but just let her take the praise and the credit.

On Facebook, in the 'what are you doing now?' section, I typed -

"L is over the moon with DDs sudden fantastic progress at school and feels validated. Now she knows that leaving was the right thing to do."

This morning X stopped me on the way back from school and asked me to delete it. He put on a hurt expression and asked why I had to do something like that when we were supposed to be friendly. I know that this is one of his emotionally abusive tactics to try to control me and what I do, but was I wrong? AIBU?

YABU re the FB status update, but then I don't really understand why anyone puts them on there - certainly not really personal things.

Glad your DD is doing so well at school.

I haven't read through all of this, but I wonder how many people who are knocking you have left an emotionally abusive marriage? Ignore them, I don't think anyone can understand what it's like to go through unless they have. Be proud of your life and your decisions, you have done the best thing you could have done all around.

Now, he sounds like he is still trying to carry on his abusive ways and you haven't totally learnt not to let him. Why are you going for the no blame option? There is blame, he treated you disgustingly and you shouldn't have to let him off. However I can see that if you tried to divorce him now he may not sign, so it wouldn't be "as quick as 6 months". There has to be ways of wording it, which I'm sure a solicitor could help you with, that won't be hard for him to sign to. Even after 2 years and a separation divorce he could still refuse to sign, it's only after 5 years you don't need the other persons consent.

I also think his comment is trying to carry on some emotional control. Take him off your friends list, you don't need him there. You also don't need to do the whole friends thing, you are giving him the space to carry on his previous behaviour.

I left without children so I'm in a different situation to you, I was able to make a clean break and never see him again, but before we did totally break away from each other he did try it on, but my parents protected me because I was still quite wrapped up from the abuse. That's what people don't see, you get so caught up with emotional abuse, it's hard to see what's what, you justify that they never hit you and loved you etc and it makes life very hard when you're moving on.

Just read DaddyJ's post, want to add my agreement.

Personally, I agree with the other posters that perhaps you shouldn't have said that, because it is there for everyone else to read too, and he has not right to reply without looking petty. So I don't think it is particularly a good idea or fair to post that.

But if you think he is just trying to be controlling - remove him as a friend before you remove / change the post. He shouldn't be able to tell you what to do.

Would would you say if he starts to put personnel things about you on Facebook?

well said dittany, you said it better than me.

Flashman, he's the abuser, doesn't that say it all? I guess not if you've never been there.

dittany (and others that say "why is he reading your facebook") - status updates from friends show at the side when you click on "home" - so all he would have to have done is to log on to see it.

FWIW - I am one of the ones that thinks she made an error of judgement putting that comment on - and I've recently left a emotionaly abusive marriage.

sorry meant to add after the first bit - he wouldn't have to go "looking" at her profile.

Tinkerbelle - I was not saying I agreed with him or anything - I just asked if she would mind if he puts things on his facebook. As I am sure thats what will happen if it remains.

facebook?

how old are you?

ffs

LOL facebook has nothing to do with age, I know people of all ages and walks of life on facebook.

Flashman, I don't think you understand me, it doesn't matter

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Monday about arranging a separation agreement with a view to divorce in two years. Following an email this evening from X (which I won't go into detail over) I've decided that I'm going to go ahead with divorce now.

I find Facebook useful for catching up with old friends and family I haven't seen for years. I don't bother with all the childish animal throwing/drink buying stuff. In fact all I do on there really is share photos with family and play Scrabble.

On reflection, the status update was thoughtless of me and I will think more carefully before (if ever) using it again.

Good for you, re the solicitor. I hope your daughter keeps getting better too.

Madamez' post a little way down was great - you can be friendly without being friends.

well done for your decision ds, i think its a major part of splitting up to start thinking about what you want as a person again, rather than what is best as a couple. especially if he has been emotionally abusive, its a very hard thing to do. congratulations!!!