to think that allowing a six year old to suck her mothers breasts when she has NOT been breast feeding for years is wrong?

[toffetwist]

I have a friend. Who recently told me that she lets her 6 year old child suck her breasts. She is not breast feeding her and has not for years.

I am disturbed. Am I right to be? What do I do?

yes, and I think being allowed to regress -eg more cuddles, etc, is normal and healthy

adults do it too - baby talk one another and ask for extra care and help during stressful times

going back to wearing nappies would be an entirely different kettle of fish

saying to someone who is looking for extra physical or emotional reassurance "no we aren't going to cuddle you more, even though it would help you feel more secure, because we're going to get to the bottom of why you want the cuddles" is not really the answer, is it?

I would just like to say if you are toffeetwist friend, I hope you have some other freinds who are being more supportive at this time rather than added more stress.

Ah but Franny, you can still cuddle and comfort a child without offering your nipple.

ye-es
that wasn't actually what I was saying, was it?

Yes, but that's not giving them what they want.
It'd be like saying, you can have a cuddle but only one arm, saying they could nurse with no nipple!

VS - Do you always give your children what they want? Personally, I weigh up whether the request is reasonable and sometimes it isn't, so I say no.

well, yes and no, Swedes.

I risk giving ammo to the 'she's a freak' camp by acknowledging a potential link with the child's developing sexuality (NOTE: CHILD's) but I also don't wish to be one of those who demonize the idea that children do develop a sexuality through childhood.

As far I can work out this is an exceptionally complex and disputed area, but it doesn't, as far as I can see, arrive fully-formed. It is linked (at the very least) to other needs and desires which we have from birth.

So, to return to Swede's analogy while shifting its emphasis slightly, I think if a child were asking repeatedly to be allowed to wear a nappy (as I assume the b/f 6yr old was doing) I would be very wary of forcing him/her to repress that urge/desire.

This is not to say that the child (not necessarily this child, but a child of six) is experiencing the desire to shit in a nappy or suck a breast as a sexual one, but that these forms of infantile desire and how they are dealt with may impact the child's developing sexuality.

And all this is a very turgid way of saying I'd go with the flow in these matters, our responses to which our children watch very carefully.

No, of course not. But if they were suffering because our family had split up and it was something that I knew would comfort them, wouldn't harm them and I was comfortable with then yes, I'd do it.

Just like I allowed DS1 to try to bf the other day.

I probably wouldn't allow a child who hadn't fed for three years to attempt it if I wasn't still feeding one of the others, but that's just me, I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

The op's friend obviously does so I think it's fine. I wouldn't allow my children to sleep in my bed once they are past a certain age, but many people do.

The only thing unreasonable is that some ignorant people don't like it. It's not like they're asking for something dangerous or harmful.

And yes, speaking for everyone is incredibly rude, it was a stupid thing to say. I am quite capable of speaking for myself and don't need you or anyone else talking on my behalf, especially when it's such utter claptrap anyway!

Onebat - I have already signed my children up for this club

TennantbellesMum - And breathe.

[aghast] Swedes!

I'm here

Here's the line: -----

Here's Swedes

I didnt bf, so maybe my instant reaction of "no way" was without knowledge, have read through, and have to say that, my thoughtful responce would be no, but not for the same reason as my first reaction.

I do feel that a child of this age who no longer feeds, is not needing or wanting the breast for the same reason, and I would be careful that I was not misreading nurturing needs with exploring a womans body needs, not linked with sexuality as we see it, but on a childs prespective he will most probably be aware of the attractiveness of breasts, so no, wouldnt want to cross over these emotions and risk confusing the child, he is no longer at an age that it is acceptable for me.

Does the fact that the child in question here (who may quite possibly be made up as i am still not sure of the genuineness of this query) is a girl change things at all for you, colacubes?

I have to say I thought the same as UD reading cola's post.

No, I noticed I wrote he, am just ust to that with my ds, I just feel that a 6 year old can be comforted in many ways that dont involve the sucking of it mothers breast, I dont see it as bf, because of age and also the time since they were weaned.

I dont for one minute suggest this is sexual, for mother or child, but i would suggest that a child is curious about the female form, and as such should be handled carefully.

I agree with onebatmother on this:

"This is not to say that [a child of six] is experiencing the desire to shit in a nappy or suck a breast as a sexual one, but that these forms of infantile desire and how they are dealt with may impact the child's developing sexuality."

Whatever the circumstances (divorce, death in the family, moving house, new sibling, etc) I can't see how it would be good parenting to just say "Oh OK, go on then" when a six year old asks for nappies or wants to go to sleep with a dummy. Similarly, it is quite incredible that a mother would whisk out her breasts to comfort a six year old in a fragile emotional state.

Would it not be much much better to find a slightly more grown up way to comfort this girl?

It's possible that because you've never comforted a child that way that you can't see the need. I guess there isn't a need either, there are lots of ways and that is the one the mother has decided to go with. Just like you can bond with a child that was born by section or FF and you don't have to tandem nurse for your children to be close, but they're tools the mother uses to that end.

ah ha ha - you are deliberately misunderstanding me, I see, Cote. But I'm confused as to th point you're making.

What exactly is so funny?

Have I misunderstood what you were saying?

Offering the breast to a baby or even a toddler is a great 'tool' for the mother, I agree.

Offering the breast to a 6 year old child is not so easily defensible.

I can understand why the child would suggest it - she has seen babies do it, maybe has a younger sibling who is breastfed, etc. I can't understand why the mother would choose the path of least resistance and agree to it.

Surely there are other ways to comfort a six year old that are more age-appropriate. Hugs, kisses, conversations, puppets to play out the anger and the hurt, more hugs, more kisses, more conversations, reading together books dealing with divorce and other related subjects?

Cote - I agree with you.

My first thought is "Yuk" 2nd thought is "bitty!" 3rd thought is "yuk again"!

I really can't understand that this is normal under any circumstances. But I never got on well with bf so maybe I'm being harsh. I don't understand how this fits with developing sexuality either. My dd sees my boobs and will poke them occasionally. I just laugh and say "leave them alone they don't belong to you any more - just to mummy" She understands that their (primary) purposes is for feeding babies. My DH has a slightly differing opinion

yes cote, i was arguing the direct opp of you!

I thought you were doing that clever debating trick where you use an element of someones argument and show that you can make exactly the opposite point with it.

Sorry

Actually, I was saying that it is the denial of these kinds of emergent desires/needs that may (only 'may', nothing is for certain) have an adverse impact on the child's future sexuality - not the satisfaction of them.

i was waiting for some amusing fellow to say 'bitty'.