To feel let down by my Mum because she ignored my DS' feeding routine when she babysat?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 6 months old. I had to go in for a half-day at work yesterday (not going back properly until September). She looked after him for me. He is bf but I gave her a bottle of EBM to feed him yesterday afternoon (he is not yet weaned). I asked her to feed him at around 3-3.30pm as the routine he's in is 7, 11, 3, 7 and it is working for us.

I went round to pick him up yesterday. There had been no problems - he'd been as good as gold. When I asked about the bottle she said she'd left it until 4.30 to feed him as she wanted to stretch things out as long as possible and change his routine. I flipped my lid. She said she wanted him to take a full bottle. I said it meant he wouldn't take a full feed at bedtime. He didn't. He had a quick snack before bed and then proceeded to wake up for more quick snacks all through the night - I knew this would happen.

I'm annoyed because:-

• she's undermined me and my instructions by changing his routine off her own back.
• she thinks I'm overreacting and being a stress case because he was perfectly happy.
• she thinks I'm being ungrateful, which I'm not - she only had 1 instruction to follow.

Obviously I was very upset. She thinks she can do a better job than me. She also said, "He's 6 months old, he should be dropping a feed by now". He isn't weaned!!! He will decide when he needs to drop a feed, not her! I feel like the s**t on the bottom of her shoe because she's taken over and done what she thinks should be done for him and not what I wanted.

The worse thing is that she's meant to be looking after him 1 day a week from September but I honestly don't think this will happen now. I've started looking around for alternatives. I might be overreacting, but this seems to be the thin end of the wedge. She's a very controlling person and what else will she try to change? My DH rang her last night to get her side of the story and ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents and she told him to shut up and slammed the phone down on him.

Sorry this has been long but thanks for reading if you've got this far!

Taking the long view, how likely is it that your child has been harmed in any conceivable way?

Say thank you to your mum for doing you a favour.

I can't believe you got your dh to phone her up to complain.

YABVVVU

Eek difficult one, I would say to her that she won't be looking after him unless she can respect the way you do things. I think to a certain extent you have to accept that when someone else has your child things are done a little differently but the core stuff should remain the same.

YANBU. You're right. It's not up to her. It is arrogant of her to make decisions like this. And she sounds extremely rude too!

I would seriously evaluate whether you'll be happy with her looking after him from September. It may cause lots of friction if you feel she'll undermine you at every opportunity.

True, he may be weaned by then but will there be other things that she'll do against your wishes? To a certain degree, if you're asking her to look after your child for free then you have to expect her to take charge. But there are some areas that you have to feel confident she won't undermine.

Sometimes it's much less complicated to have a simple relationship where you pay a nursery to look after your child. They will do as you ask in terms of his care.

It's weird this situation. My mum isn't really interfering but she always tries to say she was the first to see the DCs reach certain milestones or infer that she knows them and their little ways much better than anyone else. It's annoying but not much more than that so I just ignore it. I couldn't ignore what your mum does though, Babyisaac.

She didn't get her DH to ring up and complain!

I do wonder about some MNers and their reading abilities.

OK. I can understand you are cross because you ended up tired because of baby waking in the night for feeds.

I used to get v. uptight about this with my DS1 in the early days when I was sleep-deprived and stressed-out.

I also agree that she sounds controlling if she is doing it to try to "change his routine".

However tbh it sounds like you have inherited that trait !

My SIL was like this - went mad at us because we didn't wake her baby for a feed when the child was sleeping perfectly happily. It's called pfb syndrome

As a WOHM, I can tell you right now that NOONE will ever follow your instructions to the letter so if you don't learn to live with it, you'll have to stay at home.

Sounds like you are both controlling TBH. And childcare for young children/babies is very difficult for a controlling type.

TBH I would try and sort things out because it is a relatively silly thing to fall out completely over. I would just say to her "MIL I really appreciate you babysitting DS for me and I realise you were trying to do me a favour stretching out his feeds but to be honest I would really rather he kept on his routine as it is working for us and we are happy with it. When DS isnt fed in his normal routine it causes problems and no-one gets enough sleep so would you mind just sticking with our regular routine for the time being please. "

YANBU - that she went against your wishes. As for dropping a feed - god knows what she'd think to my DS3 (13 months) - he still has 4 bottles a day (having only VERY recently dropped the 5th!)

However I would just add that just because a baby doesn't take their full bedtime milk and wakes up doesn't mean it's because they didn't finish it. Generally it's the amount they've drunk during the day in total that counts - it all adds up during the day - having a full bottle at night doesn't guarantee a full night (even if they're sleeping through).

YANBU Find someone else.

I wouldn't worry if she had changed the routine because of her own convenience. To be frank that is what you have to accept when you hand your child over to somebody else. At that age ds was going twice a week to a childminder who was also looking after a couple of other very young children and doing playschool runs and school runs. Obviously, she had to fit his feeding around all that. I never noticed he came to any harm from having a different feeding routine from at home. In fact, it made it easier for us to travel and go on outings because he was less tied to one routine.

But what I don't like about your Mum's attitude is that she changed his routine deliberately because she wanted to get him into a different one. That sounds controlling and as if she is subtly criticising your parenting.

Just wanted to point out also that it sounds like there's a bit of an issue between bf and ff with you and your mum.

The whole "taking a full bottle" is very ff I think? Did she ff?

Do bear in mind that a bf baby who has been away from his/her mother may well wake for comfort (not necessarily hunger) after being separated from their mother.

And be thankful that she isn't as bad as my stupid aunt who gave my PFB milkybar before he was weaned and ready meal curry shortly after. Poor DS was so sick and then I gave her one more chance after and she let him drink 2 litres of undiluted grapefruit juice - that vomit was most unpleasant. It was at that point he stopped seeing her.

My MIL babysat alternately one and two days a week when I went back to work part-time when dd was 6 weeks. DD was fed on demand which meant she got small bottles. MIL put her on a 4-hour schedule everytime she babysat. DD would always be screaming when I got home "I don't know what's wrong with her - I only fed her 3 hours ago" from MIL. Yes, on a bottle designed to last about 1.5 hours. Oh how I wanted to scream "She's starving you stupid bitch!!". Oh how I wanted to tell her that her babysitting services were no longer required! It started like that, and went on ....

Nip this in the bud.

Yanbu in feeling let down because your mum didn't do what you asked and also she should not be trying to change his routine.

However, when you leave your child with someone else you do not have control over what they do with your child. Your ds will not be harmed by having one day a week on a different routine (and he will change alot in the next two months).

What is important is the effect it will have on your relationship with your mother. If you think this will suffer (you do describe her as controlling) then maybe you need to re-evatluate your child care decisions.

YANBU at all. Yes, you need to be prepared to be flexible with other people looking after your DS but your mother really should respect your wishes.

I'd try and placate her and give the babysitting one more go, but if you get a repeat performance from her - particularly the implication that she knows better etc I'd definitely find alternative childcare for the sake of everyone's sanity.

HaventSlept makes a very good point - it does sound like your Mum isn't used to a BF baby. Finding different childcare arrangements is probably a good idea. Be warned though - noone will stick exactly to your instructions, so if you're going to go back to work you'll have to accept that your baby won't always be looked after in the exact same way as you'd do it. But at least if it's a nursery you can remonstrate with them, whereas if it's your Mum you have to be a bit more grateful (although you can still tell her what you'd like her to do). I still do remonstrate with DSs nursery from time to time when they do things differently than I'd like - but then I pay them a lot of money so I think I have a right to be a bit demanding!

It sounds to me as if you are so alike that you clash. You both sound very controlling.

I can understand how you're feeling about your mum not sticking to your routine, but the fact is it was just one bottle. And she moved his feed by about half an hour? Why didn't you just move his bedtime feed by half an hour then all would have been well again. Or maybe it wouldn't, because maybe that wasn't why he woke up during the night.

I know that at this stage it seems like a big deal, but it really isn't. It's just one bottle. And in a few months time you'll have far bigger fish to fry when granny introduces him to chocolate and fruit shoots.

Even if you put him in a nursery they will not follow your routine to the letter, so unless you can reconcile yourself with the fact that things are going to change when you go back to work, you should seriously consider not going back.

so, his feed was moved one hour later and you flipped

i think if you are going back to work, then you have to ease up when your DS goes into childcare or you really will spend the entire time stressing

i think it is rotten that your DH then rang your mum to further prolong this silly row

all you needed to say was "mum, his routine is x,y,z and i would like it to stay that way as it suits us" and then smile

TBH, i really think childcare, where possible, shouldn't be given to a family memeber - i have read loads of threads like this

but the becster - surely having a "routine" for BFing is more like FFing too? Usually feeding on demand associated with BFing and "times" for FFing. (although I know many FF on demand too - and many don't worry about a bottle being finished either(

Oh, I didn't know you could FF on demand. I thought it was all routine based stuff. How ignorant am I?

I think it was very daft to get your dh to ring your mum, but other than that I don't you think are being unreasonable. Get someone else to look after your ds when you go back to work as your mum is obviously too set in her ways to respect your authority.

I just mean the 'so he'd take a full bottle' thing. I followed a routine for BF, but obviously didn't measure any amounts. I often got asked 'how many ounces' DS had by my Mum & her friends who all FF theirs (and/or were midwives when FF was the norm). They always seemed a bit perturbed that I couldn't tell them - but it was just an idea that this might be what was going through OPs Mum's mind as well, if she's from that generation. I suspect people who FF aren't like that any more though?

no - FF can be on demand too - did you know they even cluster feed in the evenings too