To feel let down by my Mum because she ignored my DS' feeding routine when she babysat?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 6 months old. I had to go in for a half-day at work yesterday (not going back properly until September). She looked after him for me. He is bf but I gave her a bottle of EBM to feed him yesterday afternoon (he is not yet weaned). I asked her to feed him at around 3-3.30pm as the routine he's in is 7, 11, 3, 7 and it is working for us.

I went round to pick him up yesterday. There had been no problems - he'd been as good as gold. When I asked about the bottle she said she'd left it until 4.30 to feed him as she wanted to stretch things out as long as possible and change his routine. I flipped my lid. She said she wanted him to take a full bottle. I said it meant he wouldn't take a full feed at bedtime. He didn't. He had a quick snack before bed and then proceeded to wake up for more quick snacks all through the night - I knew this would happen.

I'm annoyed because:-

• she's undermined me and my instructions by changing his routine off her own back.
• she thinks I'm overreacting and being a stress case because he was perfectly happy.
• she thinks I'm being ungrateful, which I'm not - she only had 1 instruction to follow.

Obviously I was very upset. She thinks she can do a better job than me. She also said, "He's 6 months old, he should be dropping a feed by now". He isn't weaned!!! He will decide when he needs to drop a feed, not her! I feel like the s**t on the bottom of her shoe because she's taken over and done what she thinks should be done for him and not what I wanted.

The worse thing is that she's meant to be looking after him 1 day a week from September but I honestly don't think this will happen now. I've started looking around for alternatives. I might be overreacting, but this seems to be the thin end of the wedge. She's a very controlling person and what else will she try to change? My DH rang her last night to get her side of the story and ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents and she told him to shut up and slammed the phone down on him.

Sorry this has been long but thanks for reading if you've got this far!

margoandjerry - DS was only about 16 months at the time of the grapefruit juice incident and had a whole 2 litres over a few short hours - he was VERY sick indeed. I think the only way his poor little body could cope was to get rid of it all My aunt is an idiot of the highest order and I am relieved we have cut ties TBH. Sad but true. I remember she said to me at the time "but you said he likes grapefruit" Yes he does - a small piece of fruit but not 2 litres of concentrated fruit juice! Amazed her daughter has lived to the grand old age of 17.

It's important that yuou trust the person you leave your dc with and if you dont you will just worry all the time. I would not want to always be wondering what would have been changed today, and even if that person is your mother.
I know several people who shudder at the idea of leaving their dc's with their mothers.

tis strange indeed but i get the distinct impression that being in control is v impt to OP. plus there's lots "going on" between her & her mother

I disagree with those who say that wehn you leave your child with soemone else you have to expect this.
You tell someone else what the rules are.

But this was a very minor thing. But it clearly hides alot of other feelings and resentment.
This is NEVER going to work, come Sept. You know that don't you. Deep in your heart you know that this is going to cause nothing but upset.
Find a cm, nursery or somemone else. You know that is the only soluion.

schneebly, that really is terrible. Your poor DS. You always think those warnings like "warning, contains nuts" on packets of nuts are ridiculous and then you realise some people really don't have any sense at all.

Actually as a former nanny I agree, you do as you are told because they are not your children. You are an employee ans should follow the rules that are set.

You are right, it is sad, my mother is the only person I would leave mine with at that age.

oblomov "You tell someone else what the rules are."

Where is it written that the mother is the LAW about what is right as far as child-rearing is concerned.

I sometimes would prefer things to be done in a certain way but I am aware that I am not the "fount of all child-rearing knowledge" and considering how subjective most of the "rules" are, I don't see why anyone else should follow mine (within reason of course!)

When my sil left her ds with me, when our ds was also very small, I grilled her and wrote everything down, and I mean EVERYTHING.
God the thought of not doing what she wanted, or feeding ds at 3pm instead of 3.30 - ( joking here, go with me on this one)
never even entered my head.

when i look after other people's children I use my own commonsense, but if there's something specific they've asked me to do, I would respect this.

Haven'tslept for ayear -
I speak form years and years of expreince of mumsnet threads.
There are zillions of threads on this.... my mum didn't do what I asked, she ignored my requests.....
It is very very upseting for many mums to have their wishes totally ignored.
Think about it. You must be able to accept that many new mums feel this way, yes ?

Haven'tslept for ayear , I gave my mum some rough guidelines, re looking after ds, he will prob need .... at about....
Just to help her.
But then I I trust my mum implicitly and wasn't that bothered if she fed him at 3 or 3.30 or .......
But I can appreciate that some mums ARE.
Surely you can too.

Seriously oblomov? (joking aside )

I would give "guidelines" to help the person with a pre-verbal DC for example (what time they might be hungry, tired etc.) but only ever issued "instructions" in my post-DS1 6 week haze.

I find too many instructions stops people going with thier instinct and doing the right thing with children (this from quite a control freak in general !)

Cross posted too slow!

I would expect that she might do things slightly differently to you but any specific instructions should be followed.
I wouldn't have made a scene though, just smile and say thank you and make future arrangements that you and your DH will be comfortable with. Good luck.

oblomov - sorry.

Sounds like you did the same as me.

But you're right, I have entered a whole new world on mn in the last few months of people being outraged by how their child is cared for by s/o else.

And I have a SIL who is the same.

And I try to hold onto the thought that I did go mad at my own MIL for letting my tiny DS sleep til 6.30pm one afternoon when really in the scheme of things it is SO petty and I am vvvvv embarrassed when I think of it.

I can't help thinking that the whole pfb mentality needs to be snapped out of asap and that it is not doing anyone any favours to say that this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

i felt 100% confident in the childcare we had for our daughters before they went to school: a small, friendly community nursery. I was on the management committee there and hired some of the staff - mainly for their keenness to crawl around on their tummy playing with the kids, than their academic prowess!

one of them is our dear neighbour who babysat for me last night. our girls kiss and cuddle her, she is like a member of our family. the other girls there are also dear friends, they are not strangers!

IME all gp try to chance their arm a bit - and do things the way they want. My MIL disapproves of my DD having bottles, and wants her to drink water from a cup. Any (rare) time she looked after her, she would 'forget' to give her the bottle.

It's the price you pay for having them look after your lo.

It's not the end of the world, (but I hate rigid routines, so I am biased), but maybe you do need to look at alternative childcare, where they are more likely to follow your instructions (although this can be a hard thing to find).

Haventslept, no apology needed.
I was only speaking from expereince of Mn, which you too will gain, very quickyl
Specially re this subject. It is nearly as much of a minefield as .... no there are too many subjects to list them all - ha ha .

I don't think it is worth making such a fuss about. It sounds as if you don't really want to go back to work and delegate. If in September you are only leaving your DC one day a week with her then the relationship between grandmother and DS is far more important than some rigid routine. A nursery is not going to be able to stick entirely to your routine. If you leave your DS in any sort of childcare you are going to have to relinquish control to a certain extent.

Right. Before everyone gets even more carried away, I think you have to know more about my Mum's past history and my DS. Those calling me OTT and a control freak should know what my Mum is like.

I'm one of 4. At least once a month she will upset at least one of my siblings. Seems there's a common denominator there. She's been quite remarkable at supporting me since the birth of my DS AS LONG AS ITS ON HER TERMS. I fell out with her a couple of months ago because she demanded I gave up bf. She said DS wasn't thriving (he was), bf was working out (it was) and that her & my Dad both thought it was time I gave up. I said I had no intention of doing so and she fell out with me for 5 weeks and missed seeing her grandson for that long because she couldn't get her own way.

More recently she's been trying to get me to start weaning. Every day she mentions I MUST start. Btw, she works alongside HVs and keeps bringing me leaflets about weaning guidelines, all of which state it is best to wait until they are 26 weeks if possible.

All through my life she has stopped talking to me if she doesn't get her own way. Last weekend I was round with DS and my SIL was cuddling him. She snatched him out of her arms and put him on the floor to get him to roll over in front of her friends who were there. No respect for me or my SIL.

This are just a few examples of what my mother is like. She always knows best and loves to undermine me.

I DID NOT GET MY DH to phone her. He did it off his own back because he's had enough of her controlling ways.

As for my DS's routine. I'm not a control freak. I've had an extremely difficult 6 months with him. Bf was a nightmare for the first 2 months but I persevered. He is a very high-needs baby. Cries a lot, hates being put down, hates his carseat and buggy etc etc. He has put himself into this routine and it ensures all of us get the most sleep at night. It is working. It does not need changing.

My Mum didn't change his bottle time to suit her day. She changed it because she wanted to change his routine. She never asked me or even suggested it. I told her what would happen if she did. I'm not anal about sticking to times but I knew he would be difficult through the night if she didn't give him his bottle at that time. He went to bed tired but not hungry. He didn't need to have a FULL bottle at 4.30. He needed to have a full feed at bedtime, not snacking through the night.

I do appreciate my Mum's help. I always have done and she knows it. But everything has to be on her terms and she just laughs at me if I get hett up. I know any childcare has to be flexible because of other children but the point here is that she changed this because SHE decided she wanted him to be in a different routine to the one he's on. And yes, she ff all 4 of us.

Sorry if this sounds stroppy but there's lots of you out there casting aspersions on me which I feel is unjust.

You are totally right oblomov - since Jan I have seen quite a few of these threads and been every time.

I will learn to steer clear (or get bored) pretty quickly I think, but for the moment I feel the need to counter the trend for "my child, my rules" which often seems like mn law, even though the more you read on mn, the more you realise there IS NO LAW, just everyone getting by the best they can.

Nice talking to you