To feel let down by my Mum because she ignored my DS' feeding routine when she babysat?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 6 months old. I had to go in for a half-day at work yesterday (not going back properly until September). She looked after him for me. He is bf but I gave her a bottle of EBM to feed him yesterday afternoon (he is not yet weaned). I asked her to feed him at around 3-3.30pm as the routine he's in is 7, 11, 3, 7 and it is working for us.

I went round to pick him up yesterday. There had been no problems - he'd been as good as gold. When I asked about the bottle she said she'd left it until 4.30 to feed him as she wanted to stretch things out as long as possible and change his routine. I flipped my lid. She said she wanted him to take a full bottle. I said it meant he wouldn't take a full feed at bedtime. He didn't. He had a quick snack before bed and then proceeded to wake up for more quick snacks all through the night - I knew this would happen.

I'm annoyed because:-

• she's undermined me and my instructions by changing his routine off her own back.
• she thinks I'm overreacting and being a stress case because he was perfectly happy.
• she thinks I'm being ungrateful, which I'm not - she only had 1 instruction to follow.

Obviously I was very upset. She thinks she can do a better job than me. She also said, "He's 6 months old, he should be dropping a feed by now". He isn't weaned!!! He will decide when he needs to drop a feed, not her! I feel like the s**t on the bottom of her shoe because she's taken over and done what she thinks should be done for him and not what I wanted.

The worse thing is that she's meant to be looking after him 1 day a week from September but I honestly don't think this will happen now. I've started looking around for alternatives. I might be overreacting, but this seems to be the thin end of the wedge. She's a very controlling person and what else will she try to change? My DH rang her last night to get her side of the story and ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents and she told him to shut up and slammed the phone down on him.

Sorry this has been long but thanks for reading if you've got this far!

I think if you're going to get this worked up and clash like this with your mum you're going to have to make alternative childcare arrangements for Sept

schneebly

2 litres of grapefruit juice for a baby

I would think a shock to the system like that could be very dangerous indeed for such a young system.

I agree with you. She was rude. I'm surprised you managed to get your dh to ring about it tho.' If you do end up using our mum for childcare, there'll be more of this to come and it'll make you really miserable.

PS, I'm seeing both sides here. Your mother shouldn't have changed the routine but you do sound a bit controlling too. Perhaps you fight her contolling with your own controlling?

I wouldn't fall out with her over this but if she is going to do any childcare you will have to realise that other people do things differently, whoever they are.

I would get someone else to care for your DS when you go back to work, either a good nursery or CM who will understand and respect your wishes. I think it can be very hard to have a family member look after your baby, as this and many other threads demonstrate.
WOuld try not to fall out with your Mum over this though, if you can.

babyisaac, I usually moan about having no family help with my kids and having to give up a good job and take a crap paying job so I could look after them the way I want to

your post has stopped me moaning

Your mother shouldn't have fiddled with the routine but you do sound a bit OTT. I'm afraid if you are going back to work, you will have to be a bit less precious - nurseries and childminders can't always fit a predetermined schedule, they have other kids to look after.

it's a tricky one this, i've been in the same situation, my mum let dd sleep all afternoon as a baby, as a result she was awake most of the night. problem is, when it's a family member or a friend that is doing the childcare, and they are doing you a favour and for free, to a certain extent, you do have to leave things in their hands, if you want more control over childcare, then it needs to be paid childcare.

you mum probably feels that she knows what she is doing with babies, already having brought up her own. be careful with this, if it is a case that your mum is going to be your emergency childcare when you go back to work, don't cut your nose off to spite your face. tis annoying that she didn't feed him when asked, but she may prove invaluable on a day when your ds is ill, and neither you or your dh can take time off work

Its true edam but a nursery or CM will not deliberately try and change the feeding routine a mother wants her relatively young baby to follow. My experience of a busy nursery is that they are very keen to do what we as parents ask of them and accommodate feeding/sleeping arrangements.
I think the OP's mother's actions are rather undermining and that must be hard whether it's your first or third child.

I don't think YABU.

As someone else who dd1 had a routine like yours (It was dd1 natural routine) I would be annoyed if someone did this because i know i would have a bad night with her.

I think you are doing the right thing in getting other childcare in place. It not much to ask for someone to follow a simple instruction.

I have to say those of you who keep saying it was only an hour, if you have a child who gets very unsettled when out of their routine then you wouldn't be making such an unhelpful statement.

I think the attitude towards your DH when he phoned to get her side just shows how little respect she has for the pair of you.

yanbu - you are the mother your routine is what should be respected. Its all about respect.

you see for me this is where a "set routine" falls down badly - as, especially as they get older, it becomes increasingly more difficult to keep to it, and the child (and mother lol) find it harder to adjust if it's knocked out of kilter.

It isn't just about moving the feed back an hour. It is because she did this he was up all night. I would be livid tbh. It can be very difficult to get some babies into a sleep all night routine and when you find something that works you stick to it. I would have been furious it can take ages to get them back into it too, even after only one change like this.

Thank Goodness my mum does as we like things done. It seems silly for her to try to chnge the routine anyway, why would she do that if the routine works???WHY??? To what end???
I would find alternative care too tbh.

btw did your mum know what would happen if she changed it. I mean did you spell out to her that if she doesn't do it like this he will be up all night??
Sometimes that is what it takes.

I think you need to find alternative childcare for September.
I'm sure your mother didn't mean to upset you, and that she has her DGS's best interests at heart.
But you felt undermined by her.
And that would be a disastrous basis for her being a regular carer for DS.

FWIW, I think it was a very bad move for your DH to phone her and "ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents".

I think that was rude, and I am not surprised she gave him short shrift.

What she did re the feeding was annoying, but it is not such a heinous act that is worth the whole family falling out over, is it?

I think it would have been far better if you had contacted her when you had calmed down, explained that what she did made you feel upset and undermined, and ask that she sticks to the routine in future.

You can't turn back the clock, obviously, but I think you should contact your mother and have a calm and mature conversation about what happened.

I think YABU!!!

If you looked after someone else's child for half a day for the first time and they said to you 'here's a bottle, he will have it around 3 to 3.30pm' then that baby was asleep/playing/perfectly happily playing and not seeming hungry so you might give the bottle a little bit after.
Its a perfectly natural mistake to make.

I would never have got my DH to phone and complain or question her motives. All you had to do the next time you saw her was say 'sorry i didnt make it clear last time, I meant could you please give ds his bottle at 3pm on the dot even if it means waking him, he is used to this routine exactly and stays up lots in the night if you alter it at all'

Thats all.

Going mental at her and changing all your childcare arrangements seems quite OTT!

BoM - no-one knows for sure if it was because the routine changed that the DC was up all night. Could be teething, growth spurt, having missed mummy in the day - anything really.

What even tho the OP, who knows her child better than anyone said "I knew this would happen"????

ahhh well I must just be a crap mother then, as I've frequently said "he won't sleep through" (when DS3 has refused his bottle from a babysitter in the evening) only to find that he has.

YABU

However, I dimly recall leaving my MIL an A4 sheet of instructions for dd1

you will learn to ease off a bit

and also, having family on hand is fabulous and like gold dust, you need to keep everyone on board and not piss them off unnecessarily imo

MIL does tons of stuff that I think is 'wrong'. I bite my tongue quite often. Several times naps have not happened and I have paid the price at night, my philosopy is go with it tbh, grandparents are fab

give her a call and clear the air, mention the importance of his routine and leave it at that

DO NOT FALL OUT OVER IT

Don't go over board with the I must be crap then, I never said that but she obviously knew he would.
And anyway they always like to prove us wrong don't they.

sleepycat

I suggested alternative childcare because I sense that the OP would not be able to bite her tongue enough over the months/years to come over what her Mum can/can't do with her grandson when looking after him.