To feel let down by my Mum because she ignored my DS' feeding routine when she babysat?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 6 months old. I had to go in for a half-day at work yesterday (not going back properly until September). She looked after him for me. He is bf but I gave her a bottle of EBM to feed him yesterday afternoon (he is not yet weaned). I asked her to feed him at around 3-3.30pm as the routine he's in is 7, 11, 3, 7 and it is working for us.

I went round to pick him up yesterday. There had been no problems - he'd been as good as gold. When I asked about the bottle she said she'd left it until 4.30 to feed him as she wanted to stretch things out as long as possible and change his routine. I flipped my lid. She said she wanted him to take a full bottle. I said it meant he wouldn't take a full feed at bedtime. He didn't. He had a quick snack before bed and then proceeded to wake up for more quick snacks all through the night - I knew this would happen.

I'm annoyed because:-

• she's undermined me and my instructions by changing his routine off her own back.
• she thinks I'm overreacting and being a stress case because he was perfectly happy.
• she thinks I'm being ungrateful, which I'm not - she only had 1 instruction to follow.

Obviously I was very upset. She thinks she can do a better job than me. She also said, "He's 6 months old, he should be dropping a feed by now". He isn't weaned!!! He will decide when he needs to drop a feed, not her! I feel like the s**t on the bottom of her shoe because she's taken over and done what she thinks should be done for him and not what I wanted.

The worse thing is that she's meant to be looking after him 1 day a week from September but I honestly don't think this will happen now. I've started looking around for alternatives. I might be overreacting, but this seems to be the thin end of the wedge. She's a very controlling person and what else will she try to change? My DH rang her last night to get her side of the story and ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents and she told him to shut up and slammed the phone down on him.

Sorry this has been long but thanks for reading if you've got this far!

AIBU = agree with me or I will tell you that you haven't read my posts and come to the correct conclusions ie That I was right.

fine.

don't ask for advice if you don't like dissenting voices, just ask for a Greek chorus.

I don't think you are BU. It's may only have been one hour but I would be really pissed off if it meant I was waking up throughout the night. The OP's mum didn't have to deal with the consequences.

To the OP, in a few years time yes you will probably think you were over reacting, and realise that you have to be flexible sometimes. On the other hand I struggle with a controlling mum and know that feeling of being undermined. I think it's less of PFB syndrome and more that with your 1st child you are less secure in your choices and more vulnerable. After a while you will feel more secure in your decision and you won't feel so much like you are being undermined. Plus, hope fully your relationship with your mum will have evolved enough for you to either tell her to butt out or at lease let it go.

Don't fall out with your mum over it, just do things your way and try and mitigate the effects that she has as much as possible.

FWIW I think that PFB or "is this your first child?" is bandied around on here far to much and in a derogatory way. It's not helpful nor supportive, FFS we were all there once.

"with your 1st child you are less secure in your choices and more vulnerable."

"After a while you will feel more secure in your decision and you won't feel so much like you are being undermined."

Good point bumperlicious - I totally agree. Can see myself in that.

Also totally agree that this is not about 1 hour or 1 bottle - it's the OP's whole relationship with her mother and the deliberate way she went about it.

On the other hand, can any of us say we haven't EVER done this sort of thing?

You know, you think your friend's child goes to bed too late so when they come to stay you put them to bed at the same times as yours for example.

OR, you think your niece should have given up her nighttime bottle at age 5 so when she's staying you gently try to persuade her to give it up.

Isn't that why it's good for children to be exposed to an extended family/friends?

(am raising this issue NOT as a dig at the OP but as a general question).

" AIBU = agree with me or I will tell you that you haven't read my posts and come to the correct conclusions ie That I was right.

fine.

don't ask for advice if you don't like dissenting voices, just ask for a Greek chorus."

So, the OP isn't allowed to query or disagree with advice given her, especially since it's advice she may base a very important decision on? She's supposed to be a passive recipient of commentary? I thought on MN, active, vocal and reflective contributions were welcome? Unless you're looking for advice then you can't express an opinion. . . . . . . .

No, I don't think that she needs to be passive.

Doesn't need to tell us that we haven't read.

In the end you have 2 ways of getting everything 100% your own way over childcare. Do it yourselves, or pay for it.

Ask family/friends as a favour, and you have less control

If you are not happy with the person, don't let them look after the child.

Her child, her call

Well, I stand by what I said 4 pages earlier: the problem is not just the change of routine, but the fact that the OP's Mum changes the routine for no better reason than to show the OP that she knows best. That is totally different from a childminder or a nursery changing the routine because they have to accommodate other children.

I would definitely make other arrangements for September. By that time your lo will have changed quite a bit anyway- they grow quickly at that age!- and you may find that a change in routine doesn't upset him half as much as it would now. But your mother is not going to change, is she? She will just find something new to be controlling about. An educated guess would be his weaning.

YANBU can'y believe people think you are. I know that people will never follow your instructions perfectly, but surely you made it clear to your Mum that the timing was important to you.

I would sort out new childcare as it seems that your Mother will not do as you ask.

I would absolutely make it up with your mother again ASAP. For your sake, for her sake, for your child's sake. Perhaps even let her baby-sit again. But I would not base a regular childminding arrangement on her.

I just be glad to have a grandparent around that could lend a hand, to be honest....because my mum doesn't live in this country and my mil has Alzhheimers, so poor dfil has enough on his hands with her...if you know what I mean!
Obviously if you feel that long term she would undermine you like this, then you shold probably make different childcare arrangements on a permanent basis...but as a one off...it really doesn't matter...and my 3 taught me the variety of Baby's those that need routine, those that need but fight it and those that simply plot along whatever way, lol....

My twopenneth worth FWIW - I don't have any children but I do have a very controlling mother ... if you've always had a difficult relationship, her looking after your baby may well be just another difficult area of power struggle. Until you have a better relationship, you probably can't relax whilst she's looking after the baby. She obviously thinks she knows what she's doing.

Tread carefully with her - she may even be feeling a bit pushed out if your attention is focused on a new baby. I'd try and keep her on side and work on her compliance - you've got till September. Good luck.

Aaaaaargh.

Just be glad you have a grandparent around even though she undermines you and makes you feel worried about your future relationship?

That daft point of view gets wheeled out time after time.

What do you say to a woman with a controlling husband? Just be glad you've got a husband because one day he'll be dead? FGS.

"Senora, Cod & MB - you are missing the point completely. Have you not read my posts properly or something? Are you hearing what you want to hear? The hour isn't the issue. Nor is the bottle. The whole thing isn't about a flipping bottle being moved. It is about my mother deliberately deciding to change his routine because she doesn't like his existing one.

Please ensure you read things properly before you judge. There are a lot of people on their soapboxes here who haven't read the situation very well at all."

Babyisaac I think this is unfair. You didn't put all the information that you think is relevant in your first post and now you are angry that people didn't immediately understand that the issues go deeper than just a feed that was an hour late.

I don't particularly like the PFB accusation (as a single parent I always feel like posting back "oh goodness me, there are two parents in your family and you still can't manage - how charming" which would be equally irritating).

However, from reading between the lines of your posts, you obviously have issues with your mother which you have not communicated very clearly in your first post.

As MB says, if you don't want opinions, don't post.

I may not understand all the issues between you and your mum, but I do know this: ALL babysitters change routines. some don't mean to, but they do simply by the fact that their manner isn't like yours. most (ime) will actually move feeds etc if it seems right to them, unless they are routine fanatics.

remember that most people don't think rigid routines are a brilliant idea so moving a feed is not at all the same as, say, giving your baby sweets when you'd forbidden them (although my family do this.).

all the same, as the others say - it's free babysitting, and in the long run, much better for your child than a stranger.

...and as for finding alternative childcare in sept, if you still feel this strongly about it, I would be tempted to suggest you don't go back to work.

I don't agree that a GP is automatically a better carer than a stranger. That's a daft assumption.

Kids are extremely well looked after by professional staff.

Don't feel bad about looking for external childcare if you feel your relationship with your mother is too complicated and pressured by involving her with the care of your child.

It is an extremely delicate situation and respect for the mother - regardless of what her preferences are and regardless of what the carer (or MNers) may think - must be constant and upheld.

I hope you're ok and that you're starting to build bridges with your ma.

Message withdrawn

YANBU and I can't believe how many people say you are either!

This is not about having to make a change because of circumstances beyond control... It's not just about the physical element its the psychological element too.

The OP's mum decided to change the baby's routine because she wanted to and because she thought her way was better than the baby's own mother.

Why would someone do this without any discussion whatsoever? It shows a disregard for the OP. It is saying "I don't care what you think is best, I will do as I please".

And FWIW I don't think the OP is equally controlling just because she has a routine!

Agree with Winky that it's daft to assume that a grandparent is going to look after a child 'better' than someone else. I have some colleagues who used grandparents for their childcare and in most cases it was because it was free, not because it was better. In fact, in some cases, I'm sure a nursery and the stimulation from other little ones would have been preferable. Also agree with dilemma that your mum has changed HER life to accommodate your child. You both sound incredibly controlling tbh, and with children, it's often better to be a bit more laid back.Lighten up and be grateful, or find other childcare.

I haven't read the replies yet, but I had this a bit with both my parents in the early days.
I worked everything by routine, I felt it was quite important for ds to be fed at same time, nap at same time, bath at same time, story at same time and so on so he could have a rough idea of what was happening next and I'd heard that routines would help baby feel safe and secure.
The first time ds stayed with my mum, she kept him up till 11pm when I made it perfectly clear that he was to be in bed by 7pm. I went mad!
However, after a few times, I relaxed a bit. My parents aren't doing anything to harm my son, they have raised 2 children themselves so know what they are doing.
I think ds knows when he is not at home and it's not a huge deal to alter times of things every now and again.
The only thing I worry about with feeding times is that if it is left too long, I won't fit dinner in or something. But that happened the other day, we wre a;ll out for the day and ds fell asleep in the car for 3 hours and ended up going to bed without his tea, but he's ok.

YANBU. You are his mother, you decide how much goes in that bottle and when he gets it.
You know, if your Mum had given the bottle earlier and said "I had to give it because he was screaming" I think that would have been understandable. But it would have been no skin off her nose to give it to him at the time that you asked her to, she made him wait specifically to over-rule your decisions on your baby.
I think you may be better seeking alternative childcare; my children have always been in nurseries and by and large they do as I ask, even if they secretly think I am a loon!

Littleboyblue, don't you think though that you were forced to relax more than chose to relax?

You weren't happy but reconciled yourself with the fact - because you didn't have any choice.

The reason you didn't have any choice is because you weren't given any.

Psychologically people find a way to take ownership of circumstances not to their liking because otherwise they feel powerless, a feeling which often causes more discomfort than the original event.

In other words, it is the lesser of two undesirable situations.

It doesn't mean it was actually desirable!!

YANBU about being annoyed with the deliberate interference (for no good reason other than to change the routine)

YAB a bit U if you think everyone will agree with you on this sort of thread though - the point of posting here is to get other opinions

Only you can decide whether you feel your mum is a suitable carer for your child - I don't think you really care what we think do you? (if you do then you shouldn't)

If it feels right do it, otherwise don't - I get the impression from your posts that you have a definite feeling.
good luck

Very wise words, Roses.

If a new mum is shown respect and people observe her 'rules' (even if you think they are OTT), the quicker she'll relax and let things slide a bit.

I think it's all to do with new mums being shaken up by their new lives, trying to find their way, get back control without others trying to take over. You can't underestimate the impact it has on a lot of women.

No Rose, I don't think I was forced to relax. I think I was a first time mum and thought that every teeny tiny thing would have an effect and it doesn't so I decided to get a grip and realise it just doesn't matter.
It is ok for me to treat him one way and his grandparents another. I want him to lok at visiting either one of his grandparentsas a treat, and if stays up late, fine. If he eats complete shit for the day, fine. If he does things I wouldn't let him do, fine. As long as he is not in danger and he is watched at all times, nothing else matters.
My parents wre not being disrespectful to me or my parenting skills, they saw their daughter paying far too much attention to certain things that in the grand scheme don't matter and they know from experience a little relaxation and slack on certain things = a lot more enjoyment on others