To feel let down by my Mum because she ignored my DS' feeding routine when she babysat?

[Babyisaac]

My DS is 6 months old. I had to go in for a half-day at work yesterday (not going back properly until September). She looked after him for me. He is bf but I gave her a bottle of EBM to feed him yesterday afternoon (he is not yet weaned). I asked her to feed him at around 3-3.30pm as the routine he's in is 7, 11, 3, 7 and it is working for us.

I went round to pick him up yesterday. There had been no problems - he'd been as good as gold. When I asked about the bottle she said she'd left it until 4.30 to feed him as she wanted to stretch things out as long as possible and change his routine. I flipped my lid. She said she wanted him to take a full bottle. I said it meant he wouldn't take a full feed at bedtime. He didn't. He had a quick snack before bed and then proceeded to wake up for more quick snacks all through the night - I knew this would happen.

I'm annoyed because:-

• she's undermined me and my instructions by changing his routine off her own back.
• she thinks I'm overreacting and being a stress case because he was perfectly happy.
• she thinks I'm being ungrateful, which I'm not - she only had 1 instruction to follow.

Obviously I was very upset. She thinks she can do a better job than me. She also said, "He's 6 months old, he should be dropping a feed by now". He isn't weaned!!! He will decide when he needs to drop a feed, not her! I feel like the s**t on the bottom of her shoe because she's taken over and done what she thinks should be done for him and not what I wanted.

The worse thing is that she's meant to be looking after him 1 day a week from September but I honestly don't think this will happen now. I've started looking around for alternatives. I might be overreacting, but this seems to be the thin end of the wedge. She's a very controlling person and what else will she try to change? My DH rang her last night to get her side of the story and ask why she'd decided to change his routine without asking his parents and she told him to shut up and slammed the phone down on him.

Sorry this has been long but thanks for reading if you've got this far!

YANBU or ungrateful. This sounds like the sort of thing my mum might have done. I would be furious, especially as they easily slip back into snacking when you bf. I do not think you have over reacted- you gave instructions which were ignored. .
Also it wasn't her that had to deal with the snacking all night!
I definately think you should find an alternative care provision for the day you work, as I can see it damaging the relationship completely.

Babyisaac going by your last post I don't think YANBU. I do think it was a mistake to post here though, because some people are going to think you are, and are going to point that out. Unfortunately, that's not always done diplomatically.

I would stop reading if I were you, you know your relationship with your Mother, you know what she's like, you know you're right to feel let down. You don't need people on here to vindicate your feelings.

Sorry I meant I don't think YABU.

Sounds like it is best for everyone that you use alternative childcare because otherwise you will more than likely ruin the already rocky relationship you have with your mother. It's a shame but your DS will always be able to see her at weekends, holidays etc. on a less regular basis when breaking your routine would not be so vital.

I think it is really lucky when people have their parents nearby enough to be able to help out - but you have to accept that sometimes they won't do things exactly as you would like. This is also the case by the way with any childcarer - nursery, a childminder or a nanny. They won't always do everything exactly how you would like - but at least you have a non emotional relationship with those people and it won't end up in a family war if you disagree....

Erm, when someone becomes a parent, they are responsible for that child. Therefore, the parenting decisions are their to make and theirs alone unless they specifically ask for help.

The OP had found a fit with the child's natural routine, bfing, sleep etc. No wonder she's annoyed when somebody else with a history of interference decides to do it another way.

It was kind of obvious from the OP's first post there was a history of interfering control. Why does the grandma think it's her business how long the OP bfs for? That sounds like a weird woman to me. I'd not leave my child with her because she sounds arrogant enough to start weaning or something when she thinks it's the right time.

Thanks MM and all those of you out there who can see things from my point of view.

I know I was stressed (I have been a lot lately) and that I was sleep-deprived and I can also agree that I was a bit OTT in the way I reacted but the simple fact remains: she chose to go against my wishes as a parent, deliberately doing something completely different and thus completely undermining me.

I would do a lot of you out there good to remember that only I and my DH know DS and his ways. If a routine works for us then that's the way we do things. I never wanted a routine (and it certainly isn't a strict one!) but he's the type of baby who needs one and both DH & I function better with him when he's in one.

I've asked my Mum for a lot of help and advice in the past but have learnt on so many occasions that if you give an inch then she takes a mile. An example of this is when I was slightly concerned about his slow weight gain as a newborn - she then took it upon herself to monitor his weight and give me grief if he didn't put on a satisfactory amount each week. She's very very interfering.

But.........on a good day she can be extremely supportive and is very good with DS, which is why we asked her to look after him in the first place. I should have trusted my initial instincts and known that she would try to change things to suit her ideals and not mine.

Just to mention before I sign out, I am fully aware than anyone else who looks after my child will not follow a strict routine nor do I expect them to. What I don't expect is for them to deliberately change something I do just because they don't happen to agree with me.

And why on earth should a parent have to justify the way they do things with their child to anyone else?

Don't forget, the grandmother benefits from spending time with the child too. She doesn't have to. If she agrees to it, then it doesn't mean she can go off and do what she wants!

As for PFB, so what? Some have it, some don't. There's no need to dismiss someone's worries and fears with a patronising, "Oh, you'll understand in time,"

'And why on earth should a parent have to justify the way they do things with their child to anyone else? '

They don't, but if people are doing you a favour, you have to be a little flexible.

If you pay, you call the shots.

If someone helps you out for nowt, unless it is serious, and this isn't, bite your lip and say thanks.

I wouldnt have been bothered that she fed him later, I would be very upset that she thought she had the right to make permanent changes to the routine though.

Message withdrawn

"It would do a lot of you out there good to remember that only I and my DH know DS and his ways".

I assume the "lot of you" are the ones that perhaps suggested that you may have over-reacted slightly?

mothers

your can re establish your routine, don't get too embroiled in the whole hting.

These things tend to be extensions of other issues we have with our parents.

If only you and your dh 'know your child's ways' and it means that much to you, you should just stay in.

YANBU at all. I certainly remember that desperation of the first few months when you finally started getting that routine in place and your dc started sleeping through the night. I used to feel quite desperate if anything happened to change it and I was going to lose my hard won sleep that night. I can totally see where you are coming from OP. Thats without even going in to the controlling aspect of this situation.

I would have been very angry especially with the history you have with your mother - she sounds V V similar to my MIL by the way so I can see where you are coming from. I would definitely look for alternative childcare tbh. Personally I don't think that my dc's grandparents need to have any say in parenting my children. They had their chance with their own kids and for the most part f*cked it up royally.

Your baby your rules.

I agree with cod and mb. yab very u. It was one hour.

is this your first baby?

YANBU at all, and PFB my arse. Yes, obviously there's more to it than 1 bottle. It's a respect thing.

Going back to work is really difficult. If you're not confident in the person you're leaving your child with, it can be horrendous. If you want to keep things on good terms with your mum in the long term, you need to not give her so much power to cause trouble; ie find alternative care. It will lead to years of aggro otherwise.

It's not to say that she can't still have a great relationship with your child, but just because she is the Grandmother doesn't mean she is the best person to look after him. Genetics don't always count for that much.

Don't forget, the grandmother benefits from spending time with the child too. She doesn't have to. If she agrees to it, then it doesn't mean she can go off and do what she wants!

Senora, Cod & MB - you are missing the point completely. Have you not read my posts properly or something? Are you hearing what you want to hear? The hour isn't the issue. Nor is the bottle. The whole thing isn't about a flipping bottle being moved. It is about my mother deliberately deciding to change his routine because she doesn't like his existing one.

Please ensure you read things properly before you judge. There are a lot of people on their soapboxes here who haven't read the situation very well at all.

Ah but there are people who think, "Oh, poor thing. It's her first baby. She doesn't know any better," and who instantly assume the grandparents are always right and the mother is over reacting, regardless of the issue. And it's always the same people. It's weird.

I think I came over all bossy there - I just think it's unfair that all this PFB crap is being bandied at BabyIsaac, it's a bit patronising, isn't it?

I think it's only a matter of time before the OP's mother weans the OP's DS - just because she can. She will so enjoy being the one to give DS his first taste of solids.

YANBU, babyisaac, and the PFB comments are HUGELY patronising.

good post turnip

it was one day, one simple instruction and she didn't have the courtesy to follow it.

yanbu.

it is a sign of future trouble.

it reminds me of my friend who volunteered to babysit my dd for 3 hrs. when dd woke up, she tried to sleep train her. when i got back she lectured me on the importance of teaching my dd to learn to soothe herself. oh the fool.

Babyisaac: I felt like you when my DS was 6 months (he needed a routine too, and those who say they 'don't do routines, chill out fgs' just haven't experienced this).

Obviously you should try and make things right with your Mum, but I also agree that you should seek alternative childcare for September, and maybe see your Mum once a week with your DS.

I wish you lots and lots of sleep.