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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that someone else smacked my child (even though he pinched her)?

126 replies

Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:04

It doesn't feel right - someone else doling out the punishment even though I know ds2 was wrong to hurt her.

ds2 is 2.11 and has recently started pinching, anywhere he can grab, its usually me and on my arms legs, neck whatever and its because he is frustrated or angry. this is not often as he is actually a really sweet child. Last night we were at a gardening event at the school with my other 2 kids. ds2 was inside the school and this woman from the village (slightly bossy type in her late 50s) came out with ds2 who was really howling. she said she'd given him a smack because he pinched her really hard. I was so shocked I didn't say anything except sorry and took him away.

I don't think she hurt him at all, just a smack on the bum - it was more the shock of it. but I don't smack my children, only very rarely and I doubt if ds2 will have made the connection.

I feel a bit pathetic not to have stood up to her but feel bad that ds2 did this which is out of character - he hardly knows her. He was very tired last night which didn't help.

Heavens I have enough to worry about with ds1 (autistic) and now this! Would you feel annoyed or do you think she did the right thing. I know the pinching can hurt.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 03/07/2008 09:06

I wouldn;t dream of smacking someone else's childrne but if she's in her 50's I suspect she doesn;t have the same view.

minouminou · 03/07/2008 09:08

Yeah...her age will have a lot to do with it, and it was probably almost a reflex for her, and she prob thought she was helping you with problem behaviour
having said that, I would have most likely acted in a reflexive manner and put her on her arse
I think a phone call is in order here, but wait till you've decided what to say, so you're calm and clear

minouminou · 03/07/2008 09:10

this isn't to say that i'd excuse my ds over the pinching, and i wouldn't exactly say gobbing the woman would set a good example either

Alambil · 03/07/2008 09:11

I'd have told him off if he pinched me - takes a village and all that, but not smacked another person's child!

belgo · 03/07/2008 09:11

I would never smack someone else's child. But I do suspect her age had something to do with it.

LadyMuck · 03/07/2008 09:13

Who was responsible for the child at the time? It would have been up to them to see what was happening and intervene.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 03/07/2008 09:13

I think if she was supposed to be looking after your child (some informal creche type thing) then a word mentioning that you are not getting het up about it but it really isn't on in this day and age to smack another persons child would be the right thing.
if she was a complete stranger I am not sure howyou would find her to suggest she didn't do it agian.

minouminou · 03/07/2008 09:14

i'd have told him no, and brought him out to you
it just wouldn't occur to me to smack....i'm sporting a lovely circular bruise on my outer thigh where DS nipped me yesterday - brought tears to my eyes and i yelped, and he just got a "No no NO!", which i wasn't too impressed with myself for either, as he found it funny.

gingerninja · 03/07/2008 09:16

In principle I don't agree with smacking because what does it say to a child? It doesn't make any sense to say you shouldn't hit/pinch/bite and I'll hit you for doing it. That is not to say that I can't understand the frustration that leads to that type of discipline when you've got a child that doesn't respond to anything else.

I think this woman was way way out of line though and personally I'd have reported her. A stranger hitting your child? would anyone tolerate that if it were a man? what about if it was a teenager being hit by someone? I don't accept that because your DS is a toddler he or you should accept that this is an acceptable way to behave.

edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 09:18

Smacking someone else's child is definitely Not On. But if your 2.11 known pincher was left unsupervised, it's hardly surprising that he misbehaved. I'd have told him off firmly but without going OTT and tried to find you.

MmeBovary · 03/07/2008 09:19

No - i don't think yabu. Fair enough maybe she was right to tell him off but I would have brought him to you and explained what happened and let you decide on punishment.

I had a similiar(ish) experience this morning - when we getting off the bus - dd dropped a couple flowerheads she'd picked on to the ground - this middle aged guy literally grabbed her by the shoulder and started yelling at her that it is bad to drop litter and the bin is over there etc etc Dd is 4! I was so shocked I stood there with my mouth open whilst she dissolved into tears but by the time I'd worked out the French for "p*ss off and leave her alone" - or a suitable alternative (I am not a fishwife) the guy had stormed off. We picked the flowers up and put them in the bin - she knows to do that with wrappers etc and never drops litter and I told her that he was a very rude man. I was livid! Even he felt he couldn't mind his own business he could have just gently reminded her that stuff should go in the bin. So anyway I know how you feel.....

minouminou · 03/07/2008 09:21

my 1st thought was to maybe call a community support officer and have him/her have a word, but i think, in the 1st instance, a word with the woman, saying "we don't do this now, it's not something i do at home, so we'll draw a line under this incident, but it mustn't happen again" (or similar, maybe with better punctuation).
if she was a younger woman (30's 40's), then i think step up the response, as she should've known better

AuntieSocial · 03/07/2008 09:23

As someone else has asked, who was watching him?

I don't condone her behaviour at all but why wasn't there someone else there to chastise him? I'd think twice before leaving my child in a situation where this could happen.

I'm not at all condoning what he did, but someone allowed him to be in a position for this to happen....

edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 09:25

Oh for heaven's sake, 'reporting' her or calling the police is really, really, OTT. Smacking someone else's child is not good but a police matter? I don't think so. She didn't beat him black and blue.

No wonder so many children lack all respect for teachers and adults if their parents think they are so precious we should call the cops every time someone dares to object to their behaviour.

edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 09:26

Quite, AuntieSocial. As I said, leave a 2yo pincher alone and unsupervised and you can guarantee there will be trouble.

gingerninja · 03/07/2008 09:27

object by hitting? If someone hit me I'd report them. Why should children not be given the same protection?

AuntieSocial · 03/07/2008 09:27

I have a feeling that the smacking woman will point this out to you OP when/if you confront her. "Well no-one else was supervising him so it was left down to me to dsicipline him, blah, blah, blah"

minouminou · 03/07/2008 09:27

there are lots of ways to object besides smacking, though
the reason i thought of the support officers is because they're nice and fluffy, with no "real" power, however, i dismissed the idea, because of the woman's age, as she probably thought she was doing the right thing, and did actually tell the OP what she'd done

Ripeberry · 03/07/2008 09:29

That woman was totally out of order!
I would have said in a loud clear voice, "Don't you dare hit my child".
We have a lovely Downs syndrome boy at our pre-school and he loves having cuddles but when he is tired he does pinch and scratch really hard and smacks people on the face.
We never get angry with him, we just put him down on the floor and say "NO" and move away from him.
I would never dream of hitting another person's child even if they hurt me really badly.

lulumama · 03/07/2008 09:30

agree with edam and auntiesocial

yes. she was wrong to smack, but you should keep an eye on a not yet 3 year old especially one prone to pinching ....

she should have returned Ds to you, if she knew you are his mum, and not smacked his bottom.

gingerninja · 03/07/2008 09:31

Personally as a child that was smacked and hit I didn't have any respect for the parent that did it. I don't think hitting a child earns respect.

McDreamy · 03/07/2008 09:31

I would hsve been fuming! I do not believe in smacking although I do not object to other people telling my children off if I am not present at the time of the incident - but smacking - a big no! I would have said something to her.

Original poster
Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:32

MmeBovary

It was an informal thing and the woman was helping out. I was responsible for ds2. However it's impossible to watch him every second as I have 3 children. I was doing something with dd for a second and nipped out leaving ds2 inside the classroom. He was probably fiddling with something he shouldn't have and this woman tried to pick him up perhaps and he retaliated. It doesn't help that he is tiny and the size of an 18 month old baby and people don't realise he is nearly 3. He also gets away with being cheeky, blowing raspberries etc because of his size, again people think oh how clever and funny. I can see this is going to be a problem in future.

Anyway thanks for feedback. I could pop round to her house as she lives not far away - don't really have the time but its a bit like that in a village and I know she is a bit of a gossip as well!

OP posts:
edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 09:32

Ripeberry, the OP's child does not have Down's so that's hardly relevant.

lulumama · 03/07/2008 09:34

i would go round, say you are sorry DS pinched her , but you are unhappy she smacked him , and would rather should such a situation arise again, that he be returned to you for appropriated discipline