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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that someone else smacked my child (even though he pinched her)?

126 replies

Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:04

It doesn't feel right - someone else doling out the punishment even though I know ds2 was wrong to hurt her.

ds2 is 2.11 and has recently started pinching, anywhere he can grab, its usually me and on my arms legs, neck whatever and its because he is frustrated or angry. this is not often as he is actually a really sweet child. Last night we were at a gardening event at the school with my other 2 kids. ds2 was inside the school and this woman from the village (slightly bossy type in her late 50s) came out with ds2 who was really howling. she said she'd given him a smack because he pinched her really hard. I was so shocked I didn't say anything except sorry and took him away.

I don't think she hurt him at all, just a smack on the bum - it was more the shock of it. but I don't smack my children, only very rarely and I doubt if ds2 will have made the connection.

I feel a bit pathetic not to have stood up to her but feel bad that ds2 did this which is out of character - he hardly knows her. He was very tired last night which didn't help.

Heavens I have enough to worry about with ds1 (autistic) and now this! Would you feel annoyed or do you think she did the right thing. I know the pinching can hurt.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 15:47

agree with you again, pooty - it isn't the same thing at all

As a parent you DO have responsibility for a child, and with a child this age that includes making sure they are looked after/supervised at all times

Accepting responsibility for that is a completely different thing to accepting responsibility/a slap for burning hubbies dinner

Not the same thing at all

I've really been examining how I feel on this one and I really am seeing other people's point of view in that we cannot watch our children 100% of the time, we may turn our heads and something happens to them - and that doesn't make the 'something' our fault

But I still think a child of 2 needs an adults supervising them which means being in the same room or ensuring someone else knows they have the responsibility

doesn't mean the other lady was right to smack, though.....

plumandolive · 03/07/2008 17:00

But he could have pinched the woman from his push chair ffs!
Then what?
She would be entitled to turn round and hit him?
I really don't understand you pov.

myredcardigan · 03/07/2008 17:04

I disagree and do see this woman as a villain.

If a disabled adult who requires aid/supervision had pinched this woman would it have been acceptable for her to slap him? I don't think so! Would we have berated his carer for leaving him on his own for a few moments in what he/she perceived to be a safe environment? Again, I don't think so. Why? Because it is understood and accepted that although such behaviour is unacceptable, the person who behaved in such a way does not have the cognitive maturity to understand it was wrong.

Nobody is suggesting he be allowed to pinch. But she is an adult and in hitting him showed she has the same level of maturity and restraint as a 2yr old.

MsPontipine · 03/07/2008 17:14

Most of us are against smacking, it was banned in schools and laws have been put in place about it because for some reason we only see now how wrong it is for anyone to raise their hand to a child. Most of us see it as clearly wrong and sometimes even only a short step away from abuse.

That is why we don't do it. Many other punishments were around in the past too. Would it also have been acceptable if the older lady had got a stick and beaten the living daylights out of the child because probably in her day that was also the norm.

As for the view that as it was a punishment from a stranger it may have some positive affect on the child this is simply crap. Her smack was totally alien to the child. It has no relevance in the systems that are in place for him. No wonder he was upset. She may as well have punched him in the face.

I still stand by the view that op's ds should know that the lady was very very wrong to do what she did.

plumandolive · 03/07/2008 17:16

myred, very good points. I agree , and also reiterate the point that he could have been being watched/strapped into a buggy holding hands with his mum, and still done this.
Smacking is wrong imo, but for a stranger to take the law into her owm hands is outrageous.

deste · 03/07/2008 17:19

How you can say this is an age thing I dont know. I am in my late 50's and would never dream of touching anyone elses child. While I agree this is not a police matter I think you should speak to the woman involved, she was totally out of order.

myredcardigan · 03/07/2008 17:29

Quite! Being in a buggy does not stop a child from being a little rascal. Unless it's now a parent's responsibility to make sure their child's hands are bound as well!

chocolatedot · 03/07/2008 17:52

Gee I think some of you are being a bit hard on the OP. If I was at a village event, I would have no concerns about my 3 year old being inside the church and out of my sight for a short period of time, particularly if I had my other 2 with me, not to mention 1 being autistic. One thing I learnt pretty quickly is that it just isn't realistic to ensure all 3 are together for every second and in that environment in particular, I would have thought the risk of anything going wrong was tiny.

It would certainly never occur to me that my child would end up getting slapped by a stranger.

Hulababy · 03/07/2008 17:54

I would be furious if someone else, regardless of their age, smacked my child. I would be even more cross if it was a stranger, or rather someone I didn't know well.

We don't smack DD full stop - so it would go against everything I fel about discipline.

IMO the right course of action whave been for the woman to have approached you and left you to deal with it. I'd have had no problem with her telling him not to do it, it not being nice, it hurting, etc. But definitely not smacking.

TBH I would have had to say something to her about how I felt also.

TeacherSaysSo · 03/07/2008 18:16

Eulalia you shouldn't feel guilty for taking your eye off your child. Its nice to think you are in a place where you can be sure of their safety.

I wonder where mnposters would draw the line regarding strangers chastising their kids. What if the woman had shouted at your son instead? I'm sure the shock would have also made him cry and you would still feel bad!

Promise yourself that next time you see her you will say sorry again, but ask her not to smack him next time as its not helpful.

You're probably more traumatised than your ds!

Tallie11 · 03/07/2008 21:07

This woman had absolutely no right to smack your child.
He is 2 years old, and still so little. This is a classic age of maximum confidence and minimum common sense . Being smacked wouldn't have made a lot of sense to him.
I would have to have a word with her, otherwise I would regret it.

Original poster
Eulalia · 04/07/2008 09:15

Hi again, thanks. Been thinking that I should get to the bottom of it. He must have pinched her for a reason as that is how he does it at home (again I repeat he has never done it outside the home). Usually its if he can't get something he wants, his own way.... the usual 2 year old things! He screws his face up and pinches my legs or my arms if I am holding him (he's never pinched my neck). Its a way of getting out his anger and its hard to expect him to know how to channel those feelings and this age. Am genuinely confused as I say he does it to me because well I am his mum and get the brunt of these things! Never seen him hurt dh or ds1 and only occasionally dd becuase she nearer to age to him and can be annoying herself!

I can only conclude that this woman provoked it somehow and she must have been quite rough with him proceeding the pinching. Now I just want to know what the hell happened!

I mentioned our 13 year old helper, and watched her gently removing my ds, always from behind and talking to him firmly but gently. she has a much better manner even at this age than a bossy mumsy type woman (apologies to any 50+ - I know they are NOT all the same) who is likely to snap and pull a child away.

Anyway think I'll pop round as it wouldn't seem so odd, her husband used to come round here (he is really nice) to see my dh from time to time.

Will let you know how I get on. Sorry for long post!

OP posts:
pigleto · 04/07/2008 09:29

The only outcome I can imagine is that the child will be a bit wary of older ladies for a while and avoid nipping strangers.

The older lady probably just did it out of reflex and then thought "I am going to get sued/arrested" unless she has been living in a bubble she knows that we dont spank children anymore. It is a positive thing that she explained what had happened. Keep an eye on her in future.

roquefort · 04/07/2008 09:34

I think you need to explain to her that it not acceptable to smack but keep it as low key as possible. Over 50 may seem old to some on here but it approaching rapidly for many others - it is not really older generation.

lazarou · 04/07/2008 10:35

I think you are doing the right thing.
I don't think it is a generation thing by the way. I think it is a common sense thing. The woman obviously considers herself in a position to do what she likes. Most normal people would never dream of smacking someone elses child, and lets not forget that a two year old is still a baby really.
Good luck, and don't apologise again. Tell her you would like an apology for the uneccessary upset she caused.

chocolatedot · 04/07/2008 10:49

You are definitely doing the right thing. Seems very odd indeed for a young child to pinch an adult whom they don't know.

pagwatch · 04/07/2008 10:59

Sorry but have only skimmedthe thread.
I have never smacked my children with one exception.
When my Ds2 was about 3 he started pinching me.
This is a different case because my son has ASD and he had no sense of what he was doing really. But he pinched me once really really hard. It really hurt - and i was used to his head butting and scratching me by then! I was so shocked and he clearly had no intention of letting go that, almost by instinct rather than intent I slapped him across the leg ( nearest part of him to my free hand).
I was shocked and horrified. So was he.

Probably not terribly relevent but if she was as surprised as I was and it hurt half as much I have a teeny bit of sympathy.
Pinching doesn't sound like much but he made me bleed often and nothing ever hurt as much as that pinch.

MrsTiddles · 04/07/2008 19:42

I don't think she did the right thing, but I think you did.

Its a shock in this day and age for that to happen, but for an older generation it would be normal, par for the course.

bobbysmum07 · 04/07/2008 20:04

Maybe she smacked his bum in order to persuade him to detach his darling little fingernails from her neck.

Call me old fashioned, but if this was my kid, I'd be saying sorry to the woman ...

MrsTiddles · 04/07/2008 20:44

she did say sorry.

DarthVader · 04/07/2008 20:53

I absolutely don't smack my child.
BUT!!! On 3 or 4 occaisions she has taken me by suprise and really me, and then I have smacked her as a reflex before I even realise what I am doing. If this is what happened it is unfair to get annnoyed imo.

bobbysmum07 · 04/07/2008 21:01

Honestly, if my 3 year old dug his fingernails into some poor sod's neck just because he could, I'd think he absolutely deserved a smack on the bum and he'd probably get another one from me.

lazarou · 04/07/2008 21:05

Bobbysmum, i'm sure that would have really helped. A smack from an old busybody and then a smack from his mum. Nice!

DarthVader · 04/07/2008 21:23

"really hurt me" is what I meant to say!

WendyWeber · 04/07/2008 21:27

Has he pinched anybody since?