To feel annoyed that someone else smacked my child (even though he pinched her)?

[Eulalia]

It doesn't feel right - someone else doling out the punishment even though I know ds2 was wrong to hurt her.

ds2 is 2.11 and has recently started pinching, anywhere he can grab, its usually me and on my arms legs, neck whatever and its because he is frustrated or angry. this is not often as he is actually a really sweet child. Last night we were at a gardening event at the school with my other 2 kids. ds2 was inside the school and this woman from the village (slightly bossy type in her late 50s) came out with ds2 who was really howling. she said she'd given him a smack because he pinched her really hard. I was so shocked I didn't say anything except sorry and took him away.

I don't think she hurt him at all, just a smack on the bum - it was more the shock of it. but I don't smack my children, only very rarely and I doubt if ds2 will have made the connection.

I feel a bit pathetic not to have stood up to her but feel bad that ds2 did this which is out of character - he hardly knows her. He was very tired last night which didn't help.

Heavens I have enough to worry about with ds1 (autistic) and now this! Would you feel annoyed or do you think she did the right thing. I know the pinching can hurt.

if this tired little pinching child had been strapped into a buggy or at home asleep it wouldn't have happened.

she was wrong but understandable in her actions.

Agree theMMJ, wrong to do it, but I can see it may have been an instinct to hit out at "something" that gives you a nasty little shock-- like, if a bee stings you, first reaction, hit out at it and swipe it away.....

Ok, ok, bad analogy, but if my own DS (3yrs) has hit me (very rare!), the shock and pain can make me have a first instinct to hit down towards what has caused the pain. Of course, I stop myself short, but it's normal I think.

Still she was wrong, and I would never hit someone else's child. Put it down to different generation, and you never know, getting a short sharp smack from a stranger may have given your son a little lesson and he may stop doing it?

I don't think that saying a 50+ year old would be less likely to think smacking a child is unacceptable is an "ism" (except perhaps a generalism!) - its just an observation based on my experience. I don't think it excuses it but it does explain it.

I agree Kewcumber, different generations react according to the way they were brought up.

Saying that it was unnacceptable of her to have smacked your child. I remember a birthday party I went to when I was 5- there was a child there who had thrown all the presents into some stinging nettles and dad of birthday boy smacked said child an number of times infront of us- left child crying and I remember being really upset myself. I told my mum and she confronted the father who admitted he had overreacted. Present thrower is now very confident outgoing person, so it didn't affect him.

My DD has started pinching at 14 months and has already pinched a couple of my friends. Everytime she does it I pick her up and strap her in her pushchair until she calms down.

I'm also horrified that so many are condoning this woman's behaviour. I would be outraged if someone took it upon themselves to smack my children.
Of course it's not a police matter, but she shouldn't have done it.
I would apologise to her, and say that it's yours, and not her business to deal with apprpriate action to discipline your child.

Two year old boys do things like pinching and biting; it's that age. And Eulalia probably only left him for a few minutes. I am really amazed that some posters think it's better to strap a child into a buggy than let the wander around safely.

My mother is in her 50s and wouldn't dream of smacking anyone's child and I was smacked. She wouldn't have smacked anyone elses child when she was young either ir really tell them off. I would ensure she doesn't get the opportunity again.

I agree that you just can't leave a 2 year old unsupervised. If you have to go and do something with your dd, then you take the two year old with you.

I wouldn't complain to this woman, personally; I would firstly be embarrassed that i'd left my child unsupervised and the child had pinched, and secondly I'd use it as a reminder that other adults are NOT you, they don't have your approach, they may do things you wouldn't, so don't leave your child in that position.

i agree with gingerninja it is NOT appropriate for anyone to smack a child.

the mother says that he has NEVER pinched anyone outside of the home, so it wasnt expected and she left him for aa few mins, i have four young children and when at school if i have to chat to the teachers then ds3 will wander in the classroom etc, they are used to it and if he was naughty he would be returned to me, i can generally see/hear him anyway, but no one would smack him and if they did i would be livid tbh.

i think you should have a word and say that whilst you understand her actions they were not appropriate and could she please not do it again.

I would just forget about it

twelvelegs - my mother would and did and she is the kindest woman you'll ever come across but it how loads of people disciplined chidlrne in the 60's (as those of us who grew up then know). She ahs stopped because I've talked to her about it.

Am I the only person who seems to grasp the difference between condoning and understaning/explaining???? Very very few people have said she was right to smack, some (including me) have said its possibly because of her age. You can;t ignore the fact that smnakcing chidlrne was massively more comon even 20 years ago - there an inevitable knock on to the number of adults who rasied their chidlrne then to think its acceptable.

yanbu.id be livid!

it just amazes me how people don't look at THEMSELVES

maybe I have a heightened sense of responsibility, but I wouldn't be 'livid' at this woman, I'd be berating myself, as the parent, for leaving a 2 yr old to get in that position! I would be thinking, oh poor little ds, he was alone and to him (not connecting his actions with consequences probably!) suddenly this strange woman gets stern with him and smacks him and he's inconsolable with tears.....

I mean, I would be angry that someone felt they had the right to smack a child that's not theirs, but that would not be the MAIN feeling I got from this..as I say, the main feeling I would get is one of it being MY responsibility to be with a 2 yr old.

and I very much do realise that it is not always easy to be in charge of more than one child but I think in general to avoid this sort of issue the rule needs to be either the older children go on alone, or the little one comes with.

HG I understand your feelings but think OP probably knows that she shouldn't have left him on his own - it was a spur of the moment thing which she has learnt from and doesn't need lambasting for.
The main thing IS the smacking, it just shouldn't have happened.

ahhh i didnt see child was only 2!so do actually agree with you - HonoriaGlossop but also think in no circumstances would i want someone to smack my child.

I did blame myself, I always do and have a strong feeling of responsibility and spend my life apololgising for ds1 even though its not always his fault. I am the first to admit I struggle to watch all 3 children and dh is abroad just now so keeping ds2 at home wasn't an option. When you have a disabled child in the house it affects the whole family and again I admit it is hard to discpline the children. However I have read through all the responses carefully (am amazed at the differing views) and realise that I am going to have to watch ds2 much more closely now if he is going to do this kind of thing and obviously talk to him and discpline him accordingly.

Far too late to do anything now this time as far as ds2 is concerned and I'll just leave it with this woman, its not major enough to warrant further phone calls etc. BTW she wasn't left with him knowlingly - there were a few people milling about in the classroom and all the doors were locked so he couldn't escape. This woman just happened to be there at the time. There was a 13 year old there who sometimes helps us and I noticed her helping ds2 a few times, steering him away from the flowers (before he tramped on them!) but she did it very gently. ds2 has never been horrible to her and he sees her every week. I can't helping thinking this other woman just came steaming in and pulled him away from something. But probably won't find out now.

...and like I say again he's never come close to this sort of thing before - he's just finished Rising 3s and they all said how good he was (apart from climbing on things).... hmm maybe that's what he was doing at the time...

I think too many people are giving the OP a hard time here. Yes, her toddler pinched but the reason 2yr olds pinch/bite/tantrum is because they do not have the maturity to control their actions. 50yr old women do!

I'd be bloody livid if someone smacked my child and I'd have no hesitation in telling my toddler that the lady was wrong to hit him. I'd tell him she was right to be cross but that she shouldn't have hit him. How on Earth can a parent begin to stamp out inappropriate behaviour such as pinching if they give the message that it's ok to hit another person?

Oh course the ideal is that he should have been supervised. But in reality, with 3kids, sometimes you take your eye off one of them. If a mumsnetter had come on here and told us all how her child had had an accident after she took her eye off him for a few moments, we'd all be saying things like,'Don't blame yourself, these things happen!'

I'm a great advocate of collective parenting and of teaching children to respect all grown-ups but that doesn't include smacking.

oh gawd that last post wasn't meant to be a telling off to you Eulalia, more to the previous poster who said they'd be LIVID!!! It just hit a nerve with me. Often people don't look at the ROOT cause of things, just at what happens as a result and that annoys me

Clearly you have alot to deal with Eulalia and no doubt do it very well indeed!

Kew, When I was growing up in the 70s people did not smack other people's children.

Smacking someone elses's child is completely out of order.

Great post myred I agree wholeheartedly.

Well I've also used livid because I think this woman's reaction was completely inappropriate. I'd have been more than happy to allow her to give him a stern talking to but no way to hit my child.

Here Here redcardi, well said

oh my god i think thats terrible that she could actually smack someone elses child regardless of the pinching, she should of just explained to you what happened, she really should of been told she had no right doing what she done, however i understand as i would of just apologised as i hate confrontation but she really shouldnt of been allowed to get away with it

I think I see where people are coming from - I have never smacked ds and don't agree with it - but I think the only person I'd be livid at would be ME for leaving him in that position; cos the reality of 'collective parenting' is that other parents/adults have different values and ways of doing things and we have no control over them....yes in my ideal world collective parenting would not involve smacking but you only have to read threads on here on this subject to know that many parents don't think that way at all!

It doesn't mean I think it's ok, what she did, it's just how you feel about it I guess and where you place the 'blame' for want of a better word

I guess it says more about me than anything else - blame myself for everything - maybe it's not healthy!