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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that someone else smacked my child (even though he pinched her)?

126 replies

Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:04

It doesn't feel right - someone else doling out the punishment even though I know ds2 was wrong to hurt her.

ds2 is 2.11 and has recently started pinching, anywhere he can grab, its usually me and on my arms legs, neck whatever and its because he is frustrated or angry. this is not often as he is actually a really sweet child. Last night we were at a gardening event at the school with my other 2 kids. ds2 was inside the school and this woman from the village (slightly bossy type in her late 50s) came out with ds2 who was really howling. she said she'd given him a smack because he pinched her really hard. I was so shocked I didn't say anything except sorry and took him away.

I don't think she hurt him at all, just a smack on the bum - it was more the shock of it. but I don't smack my children, only very rarely and I doubt if ds2 will have made the connection.

I feel a bit pathetic not to have stood up to her but feel bad that ds2 did this which is out of character - he hardly knows her. He was very tired last night which didn't help.

Heavens I have enough to worry about with ds1 (autistic) and now this! Would you feel annoyed or do you think she did the right thing. I know the pinching can hurt.

OP posts:
AuntieSocial · 03/07/2008 09:36

What lulu said.

themildmannneredjanitor · 03/07/2008 09:37

just let it lie.
she was in the wrong but so were you!

it really hurts if you get pinched especially if you are not expecting it. she probably got a reeal shock and acted instinctively.
if he was so tired that he couldn't be trusted to behave nicely then maybe he should have been in bed asleep or at least in a pushchair?

i DO think you need to nip the pinching and raspberry blowing in the bud though.

Original poster
Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:37

sorry didn't read all messages. I think calling the police also out of order but yes just because he is a toddler doesn't mean one should abuse their power.

I must stress this is the FIRST time he has pinched another person outside this house. He sometimes does it to dd (age 6) but usually just hits/kicks but not hard - they fight a bit like any siblings. I think that's why I was so shocked and I am sure she had picked him up - how else could he have reached her neck?

OP posts:
themildmannneredjanitor · 03/07/2008 09:39

but eulalia maybe she picked him to keep him safe? he might have been about to do something dangerous?
you don't know exactly what happened.

hammertime · 03/07/2008 09:39

If you leave a child unsupervised when you know he is likely to pinch people then you can't complain if other people disipline him. Most people don't smack these days but slightly bossy types in their late 50s wouldn't see it as inappropriate.
I think she did the right thing in telling him off but her method was wrong. Its you fault for not being with him rather than her fault for being raised in the 40s.

lulumama · 03/07/2008 09:40

she probably did pick him up , for a cuddle, got a hard and painful pinch on the neck and a raspberry in the face !

DD went through a terrible phase this time last year, it was mortifying. got to keep them close to you as much as possible when they are like this.

MsPontipine · 03/07/2008 09:47

I would be worried about the effect on my child - how scarey to be out, separated from mum and then hit by a stranger, when he doesn't even know that some people think it's ok to hit out a children when they're naughty. (Not that it would be any better if he did know as I do beleive it is wrong to smack - although I have done occassionally in anger)

I would be doing my best to explain to ds that what this lady did was very very wrong and that you are very unhappy that the lady did this to him - otherwise he may see you being on her side rather than his and that you actually condone her appalling actions.

MsPontipine · 03/07/2008 09:54

Incidents like this stick with children. I remember years and years ago when I was really small I was walking through the fair with my mum and dad.

An old man walked by and quickly touched me in a really inappropriate place. It was horrible but all my mum said was oh that's so-and-so's dad and said no more. I have never told anyone about this incident - thinking about it now I am actually wondering if my mum did realise what happened.

My point is that 30 years later I still think about this incident and feel really uncomfortable about it and the bit that really bothered me was that my parents just let it go as if it was ok and didn't do anything about it.

edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 10:01

I don't think anyone should be telling a child who has done something naughty 'that grown up was wrong'. They should be telling the child 'pinching people is wrong. We don't pinch. It hurts people' or whatever.

Eulalia I think you are being fairly reasonable (although it's obviously a lesson in needing to keep a careful eye on ds) but some of the responses are a bit extreme.

edamdepompadour · 03/07/2008 10:02

Btw, sorry to hear about what happened to you, MrsP, but it's on a completely different scale.

MsPontipine · 03/07/2008 10:12

If op's ds doesn't know that mum thinks "that grown up was wrong" it is giving the child the message that she thinks it was ok for the lady to hit him.

kitbit · 03/07/2008 10:15

I'm not a smacker, but I can see that leaving a child unsupervised with someone you don't know that well when you know he is tired and likely to pinch is going to cause a problem. Her solution was to give him a smack, sounds like she didn't do it to hurt him only to surprise him and pull him up on his behaviour. If you leave him with someone else and don't make your rules clear, they can only be expected to deal with things in their own way.

I think you should drop it, but not leave him unsupervised with other people again, unless you are sure of their philosophy on things like this. Ringing the woman will cause unnecessary friction and she will think you are a precious loon.

Sorry, you asked!

icecreamsoda · 03/07/2008 10:16

I would never dream of smacking someone else's child.

But you do sound a bit precious about your ds. Talking about how he only kicks and hits his sister, how he's usually sweet and excusing the pinching by saying he's tired or frustrated.

Truth is he was behaving like a little brat and you weren't supervising him.

The woman maybe shouldn't have smacked him but he shouldn't have been left unsupervised either. Having two other children is no excuse. If you can't supervise them all properly then leave one of them at home with someone else.

devonblue · 03/07/2008 10:16

It's actually illegal to smack a child now, isn't it? I know about the not leaving a mark issue, but that's a grey area. The bottom line is that she potentially did something that is against the law.

It might be worth making this clear to her for her own good in future.

themildmannneredjanitor · 03/07/2008 10:20

maybe it will have given him enough of a wake up to stop the pinching?

i certainly don't think the op should tell her child the lady was wrong.

themildmannneredjanitor · 03/07/2008 10:20

no it's not illegal.

gingerninja · 03/07/2008 10:27

I don't get it. Why are women of a certain age excused of this type of behaviour? It was wrong of her to hit a child. We punish adults who hit adults but they are allowed to hit children? If this had been a man or a younger person you'd have called for their blood. The act of hitting another person is wrong.

ingles2 · 03/07/2008 10:31

I thnk you're too late to do anything about this now. You should have said something to the woman at the time. Yes she was totally out of order for smacking, but as others have said, if you are not there to discipline a 2 yr old then you have to accept what this lady thinks was appropriate. And I definitely don't think you should tell your ds, the bad lady was wrong, you are reinforcing that it's ok for him to pinch. Why was a 50 yr old woman at a school event anyway? Did she have dc's with her? grandchildren?

icecreamsoda · 03/07/2008 10:36

But it's not wrong in everyone's eyes. You may think it's wrong, I may think it's wrong, but your mother may not, mine certainly didn't.

30 years ago smacking was the norm. In 30 years if time-out is considered to be wrong do you think all the women of this generation who used time-out as an effective form of discipline will hold their hands up and say "oh no, I was obviously wrong, all these years I was guilty of child abuce"?

The women of the previous generation didn't think smacking was wrong, there were never discussions about smacking being wrong. So people of this generation threatening to call the police and harping on about child abuce are as good as accusing that generation of all being child abusers, when in actual fact they were doing their best in raising their children.

RedtartanLass · 03/07/2008 10:36

OMG, been away for months and I've been "sucked back in" with this thread. How can anyone agree that's it's ok to smack someone else's child. I am horrified!!!

Have I stumbled back onto a different MN?? Where there used to be threads and threads and threads about parents smacking kids in supermarkets!!! A wee 2 year old smacked by a 50 year old stranger..and posters are blaming the OP for not keeping an eye on him. Weird and sad!

RustyDaviesBear · 03/07/2008 10:37

Why is ageism the only -ism allowed on MN?

Please can we stop saying that people in their 50's think it's OK to smack - it's no more true than to say that all people in their 20's &30's make stupid generalisations

And why on earth shouldn't they be at a school event?

ingles2 · 03/07/2008 10:39

yes but a wee unsupervised pinching 2 yr old!
Smacking a child is wrong, but you cannot lay all the blame on this woman...smacking is obviously acceptable to her.

icecreamsoda · 03/07/2008 10:41

I don't think anyone said it was ok to smack a child did they? Just that the woman in question probably just reacted to the fact she'd been pinched by the child who had been left unsupervised by his mother.

Had the op been there I'm sure she would have dealt with the situation appropriately. But as she wasn't there this lady took matters into her own hands.

I don't smack my own children and I would certainly never dream of smacking anyone else's.

But I also don't think it's appropriate to leave a child who is prone to hitting, kicking and pinching in a situation where the mother is not there to deal with his behavior.

ingles2 · 03/07/2008 10:41

of course she can be at the school event.. I was just thinking that maybe she's a GM and you could mention the incident to the mother. I would probably mention it to the school.

Greyriverside · 03/07/2008 10:47

I can understand why some will be uncomfortable with this and I think on balance the woman should not have smacked the child.

But to those thinking it should go much further what if the woman had called for the police/community support and said "I've been assaulted by this child who has been left here unsupervised"?

There would have been no charges, but some explaining to do. Not being able to watch three at once is perfectly understandable to me (even with one you can hardly blink without them getting up to something), but it leaves others to decide what to do for the best so you can hardly complain they didn't do it your way.

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