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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed that someone else smacked my child (even though he pinched her)?

126 replies

Eulalia · 03/07/2008 09:04

It doesn't feel right - someone else doling out the punishment even though I know ds2 was wrong to hurt her.

ds2 is 2.11 and has recently started pinching, anywhere he can grab, its usually me and on my arms legs, neck whatever and its because he is frustrated or angry. this is not often as he is actually a really sweet child. Last night we were at a gardening event at the school with my other 2 kids. ds2 was inside the school and this woman from the village (slightly bossy type in her late 50s) came out with ds2 who was really howling. she said she'd given him a smack because he pinched her really hard. I was so shocked I didn't say anything except sorry and took him away.

I don't think she hurt him at all, just a smack on the bum - it was more the shock of it. but I don't smack my children, only very rarely and I doubt if ds2 will have made the connection.

I feel a bit pathetic not to have stood up to her but feel bad that ds2 did this which is out of character - he hardly knows her. He was very tired last night which didn't help.

Heavens I have enough to worry about with ds1 (autistic) and now this! Would you feel annoyed or do you think she did the right thing. I know the pinching can hurt.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 03/07/2008 13:54

She was wrong to hit the child. Op left her child where she thought he would be safe for a few minutes based on previous experience.

Love2bake · 03/07/2008 13:56

I also agree with Myred (my thoughts exactly)

I also think you should tell the woman, never to smack your child again. It's totally out of order.

YA definately NBU

cornsilk · 03/07/2008 13:57

I agree op should tell the woman she was wrong.

brightongirldownunder · 03/07/2008 13:57

Twelvelegs - I grew up in the 70's and knew plenty of parents who smacked their kids and others (although most of the time it was a clip around the ear). My parents were virtually the only ones who didn't punish us - but then they were hippies. The cane/slipper was still being used at school. - wasn't it banned in the 80's?

Eulalia, give yourself a break - you've got so much on your plate.

laura2411 · 03/07/2008 13:58

dont blame yourself, that woman had no right doing what she did to a child which has nothing to do with her, its ridiculous that she thinks it was ok, what right did she have none, she is supposed to be an adult not a child getting their own back.

itati · 03/07/2008 13:58

I think some of you are being very judgy pants. No one can keep their eye on their children 100% of the time and the OP has said this is the first time the child has pinched someone outside the family, hardly a child prone to pinching strangers. The woman was clearly wrong to smack and if it had been a reflex in response to a pinch I would have expected her to say that.

If it was my child I would look out for this woman and tell her under no circumstances does she ever smack my child again.

notjustmom · 03/07/2008 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myredcardigan · 03/07/2008 13:59

HG, I'd be cross at myself too. Firstly for allowing a situation to arise where my toddler hurt another person and secondly for allowing my child to be put in a situation where an adult would hit him.

But first and foremost I'd be livid that a grown woman had seen fit to smack my child.
But then I'm the type who feels livid when I see people smacking their own child too!

laura2411 · 03/07/2008 14:03

you need to tell this lady she had no right doing what she did, it was awful she needs to be told.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 14:04

Livid is going to be my word for the day.

I will slip it in to every possible conversation

HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 14:04

Can I just add that I have not had lunch yet - I am LIVID

stickybun · 03/07/2008 14:08

Some people would say it was wrong to leave a child unsupervised a lot of people would say it was wrong to smack a child esp. someone else's. Tis all part of lifes tapestry - part of growing up is realising that people are different and react differently to our behaviours. Is this woman someone who would be likely to intervene in positive ways e.g. helping your child if they were wandering off or in danger or distress? If so think this would temper my reaction to the incident. Think there can be very negative consequences from people who would never do anything because they wouldn't want to interfere i.e. there may be people who would never dream of reacting in such a way but might also not dream of doing anything that wasn't 'their business' iykwim

notjustmom · 03/07/2008 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

plumandolive · 03/07/2008 14:13

notjust, she only left him for a few minutes in a classroom where she knew there were people she recognised. As far as I can make out, it was at a village do, not downtown somewhere scary. Her ds is rising three. He could have pinched the interferring old bat woman while she was standing right next to her couldn't he?
Would she have smacked him then? Or she could have been keeping half an eye on him from the other side of a stall or something.
I really don' think that is the point here.
The woman shouldn't have smacked someone else's child, or any child imo.
And livid is a fab word....

HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 14:13

would you be livid with me if I was?

Lots of people have said livid on here I think you'll find - such a good word!

myredcardigan · 03/07/2008 14:30

Stickybun, you make a valid point. But, I am inclined more towards the thousands of people who would not only help a child in distress but would also restrain themselves from hitting them.

PootyApplewater · 03/07/2008 14:34

Let it go.
She shouldn't have smacked him.
You should have supervised him.

HonoriaGlossop · 03/07/2008 14:35

Pooty sums up the situation in a few pithy words!

plumandolive · 03/07/2008 14:39

yep myred, my sentiments precisely.

PootyApplewater · 03/07/2008 14:39
gingerninja · 03/07/2008 14:40

Interesting points stickybun but I think it is possible to intervene in a positive way withought the negative. One doesn't cancel out the other. There was no harm in speaking to the child at the time and the mother after, I'm pretty sure a stern word from a stranger would be enough to make most children take notice.

I think it's spiteful to suggest that this woman wasn't looking after her kids. It wasn't a case of neglect, she took her eyes off the ball for a couple of minutes believing him to be safe, a judgement call. Three kids and two eyes, something has to give. Are you telling me, honestly, that you've never ever taken your eyes off your kids for a second? because that's all it takes for something to go wrong and it'd be crap for us to sit in judgement.

shrinkingsagpuss · 03/07/2008 14:41

i haven't read all the thread - but whilst I think you are not unreasonable - perhaps this incident will shock your DS into understanding what he has done is very wrong.

Any child who bites, at virtually any age (bar babies) needs to be dealt with swiftly and definately. They must be in no doubt that you DO NOT DO IT.

I am not critising your parenting skils, just saying that perhaps this lady, rightly or wrongly, will have done you a favour. A strnager administering punishment is far worse than mum or dad.

plumandolive · 03/07/2008 14:42

I get the feeling there's much judgement going on here too. Including the woman who smacked him.
I'm really surprised by some people's reactions tbh, I think it's totally out of order to have smacked him.

myredcardigan · 03/07/2008 14:50

I agree, Plum. It's a short jump between saying It's the mother's fault she should have looked after him and saying It's the wife's fault she shouldn't have burned his dinner!

IMO, there's only one villan in this piece!

PootyApplewater · 03/07/2008 15:11

"It's a short jump between saying It's the mother's fault she should have looked after him and saying It's the wife's fault she shouldn't have burned his dinner!"

No it isn't.

I don't think there are any villains either.

I am surprised the older woman smacked the child though.