Increasingly using physical force with 3 year old

[feelinglikeit]

And I hate it but also am not seeing what else I can do.

Examples like - helped herself to my jewellery collection, when I tried to take it back she just snatched it away so ended up wrestling it off her constantly going after her brother, those sorts of things. I’m really, really tired of constant conflict and misery.

The jewellery is not important enough to get angry about, you could have just shared it with her and made it into a positive game, how old is her brother, is this new behaviour. You shouldn't use force on a 3 yo, have you got any support at home.

you shouldn’t use force on a 3 year old so if she takes a toy off her brother, and refuses to give it back, do I just accept that?

Using physical force to prevent a child hurting themselves or a sibling can be justified but you are much bigger and stronger than any three year old and if this becomes a default method of control it will eventually end in tears at the very least and if you leave visible bruising then a referral.to social services could come into play. Nurseries and schools are now very vigilant for any signs of harm or abuse. I would be looking fir distraction methods if control.

Yes, it's what kids do, do you tell her to give it back or ssk her to find another toy to play with, why can't she play with your jewellery, little girls love that. Is she feeling jealous or unsettled if you're boy is a baby.

I’m clearly not talking about bruising. I am talking about having to physically force her to do or not do something, I’m not beating her or anything.

I hate it even so. But since she won’t follow a simple instruction I don’t know what else to do.

What do you mean by "physically force" her?

You need to talk calmly to descale the situation. If taking toys from sibling doesn't get the attention she is craving then she will not continue to do it.

3 year olds don’t always understand the instructions or what is expected. It’s part of being 3 and learning about the world.

By using physical force to get her to do things your teaching her that is normal. You need to be patient and consistent. Any sort of physical restraint should only be to prevent harm.

Reasonable force is fine imo. As long as your not using unnecessary force. Ile give an example how I see it (just my own view)::

DD steals expensive jewelry and after all else has failed (you tried to reason with her), you forcefully take it back. This is fine.

What's not fine is it you used more force that required or hit her. That's a big huge red flag, and major no. (To be clear, I know what's not what you are doing).

I'm sorry at how frustrating it must be. It will pass and the fact you are mindful enough to reflect on it tell me your an excellent parent.

How will she learn that you cannot use force to take something from someone else if you use force to take things from her?

Taking something back might feel like the quickest way to get what you want, but at three she's old enough to explain that you don't want your precious things to get lost, but you can look at them together and then put them away when you're done etc. how is her language? Does she have reasonable understanding?

What do you mean by physically force. Are you grabbing her wrist tightly and wrenching the toy from her fingers? If so it won't be long before a finger does get broken.

believe me she will. But I’ll just let her from now on. It actually makes my life a lot easier .

Obviously that was a stupid comment but I’m just constantly having to force her into something. It’s not like I grab her as a first resort.

You need to learn how to distract her. Just ordering a three year old is not good parenting or effective. You can explain your reasoning (that is mummy’s or baby was first) but if she doesn’t immediately grasp your logic or understand private property or turn taking just get up and say “who wants to bake cookies” or “look i er there I think I see a more interesting toy.” She will drop the problem item.

@feelinglikeit I get you kids can be infuriating. At the same time this isnt a long term solution. When she hits older ages it wont work.

Reward good behaviour and make it unpleasant when bad behaviour occurs. If she doesnt comply, take something away that she likes. I have a colleague that when his daughter misbehaved he wouldnt get heavy handed. He reminded her once, if she continued he would take the wifi box to work with him. It didnt take long to stoo the behaviour. But you have to follow through.

Google positive and negative reinforcement.

Good luck.

She doesn’t respond to distraction at all, she’s pretty set on what she wants when she wants it.

Like I say I’m not going from ‘dd please leave that jewellery alone’ to physically wrestling off her but I can’t just let her ruin everything and spoil things for other kids or ignore safety rules.

You definitely don’t need to let a three year old play with your jewellry if you don’t want to.
I assume by force, you mean things like prying her hand open to get it back? I think @EmpathyMatters77 is right, that’s a last resort option (and for things of value/ that could get broken).

For toy snatching, every time a firm and consistent ‘no snatching, you need to give it back’. Stay very calm, patient and if it’s not working maybe remove from the room/ go sit with her at the bottom of the stairs (or somewhere similar and boring): ‘you need to give it back then we can go play’ and wait it out. It’s tedious but if you’re consistent then with time it improves (they return the toy quicker each time). And apologies if you’ve already tried all this and it doesn’t work!

I don’t think ignoring is the best way to go because it feels unfair to the older child and will create problems there. But also if it’s getting a bit intense then distracting away from the problem by moving everyone onto a new/ different activity (rather than free play) could help.

Does she have consequences for her behaviour, or warnings first?
Could you buy her some cheap jewellery just for her? ‘Please leave my jewellery alone but here’s yours that you can use’
’Please don’t do xyz to your brother’
She continues.
‘I’ve asked you not to do that. If you do it again then you’ll have to go to (x) and think about your behaviour until you can be kind) That kind of gist?

Totally agree with this. It's easy in hindsight to say just use a calm voice, but it's not always practical. Sounds to me like your being a bit to hard on yourself.

Ok you sound very fed up (understandable)

Things you can do to reduce potential for conflict:

Put away items that are not to be played with. Jewellery in a plain box at the back of high shelf or wardrobe.

Three year olds are still developing impulse control so you'll need to be using not just words but your body (forearm, leg/foot) to block and parry advances made by her to grab or snatch. Stay close, hover. People sneer a bit at helicopter parenting but this is a decent strategy to help keep an even keel until she matures a bit. She's still small enough to be swooped away by Mummy so make use of this by lifting her away from temptations.

What safety rules, does she understand don't do that you'll hurt yourself? Has she got her own jewellery box, how old is her brother.

Wow! So kids can do whatever they want and if it's not good behaviour we turn it into a positive game. You really can't see how that will land with the child? I despair. Kids have no chance in the future if we don't set boundaries from an early age.

Jesus these answers. If a 3
year old takes something she shouldn’t you tell her to put it back and not to take things without permission. If she doesnt you tell her once more and tell her what will happen if she doesn’t. If she doesnt you take it off her -that’s the ”physical force” you are all frothing over, and it’s perfectly reasonable. She then faces the consequences you’ve set out.
This gentle parenting rubbish is beyond a joke. Parents scared of their kids.

Last two posts are spot on!!!

This!!! I would not pander to a 3 year old! Enough direction and consequences given and she refuses, I absolutely will remove it from her.