To have an honest yet polite conversation with son's girlfriend

[momtoboys]

My oldest son (27) has had the same girlfriend for 7 years. They live together, about 4 hours from us, which is very close to her family and likely where they will stay in the future. We are very close to my son, speak frequently, group chat almost every day, etc.

This is the first year that they are doing the alternating holidays. Thanksgiving (we are in US) at her family, Christmas at ours. She is smart, capable, well educated, high earning, and so many things that my son loves about her. She is very close to her mom and I have been regaled for years of stories from my son about how judgmental they are and that she and her mom spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people between themselves. She does not seem to want to develop a relationship with our family. She comes to visit a few times a year, we greet them happily, offer food, drink, regular visitor stuff. She is gracious, says no thank you and disappears to their bedroom mostly only to appear when they are going out. The few times she does sit with us after dinner or while sitting relaxing, she is texting the entire time. I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or perhaps one sentence answers. Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone. My son and I had a conversation about this several months ago which went really well, I thought. I told him that we are happy that he has found someone he loves, but as his mother I am worried that he may marry someone that doesn't like his family. He said "what has she done that makes you think she doesn't like you?" My response was "nothing, but she certainly hasn't done anything to make us think she does". He said that was another way to look at things and he hadn't thought of it that way. I think he must have said something to her because for the first time ever she texted me unprompted and sent a photo of my son.

I am dreading Christmas. I know this is my problem but I am convinced that she will spend her time texting her mother listing all the ways I fail as a cook, decorator, house cleaner, etc. I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?

Maybe ask her if there is something that she would particularly like (food/tradition etc) at Xmas as this will be the first Xmas she is with you?

Could you accidentally drop her phone in a jug of water when she first arrives?

You can't force someone to like you, and having an awkward conversation is hardly going to help matters. You'll just make the situation worse.
You have no idea what she's texting or to who, why imagine she's bitching behind your back?

Also perhaps have a conversation with all family (including her) to say "We'd like some phone free time (maybe a few hours in the morning, or after 8pm) to have some family time" - this only works if your family will sit together and chat/play games.

I think all you can do is carry on as you are. If you make an issue of it I think you actually risk pushing your son away.

The problem is with your hopes vs his hopes.

You hoped your son would pick someone who would blend into your family and he hasn't chosen someone like that.

Nothing wrong with your hope, we all want that. But he hasn't chosen someone like that and so you sort of have to lump it.

I agree with @TittyGajillions - she's not going to warm to you off the back of an honest yet polite conversation criticising her. You don't really want her to be honest with you either, if what your son's said (and he's silly for sharing it really) is true about judging people. You've put that shit-stirring info together with how she behaves at your house and decided she's judging you - well, what do you expect to happen if you pull her up on it? Do you think she'll start liking you more? Or stop wanting to see you at all? I'd take the relationship for what it is, be glad your son is happy and not rock the boat. If she was explicitly rude, that would be the time to say something, but as she's civil but not warm, that's okay.

YANBU to try and have a conversation with her and say you'd like to get to know her better. But from your post, it seems unlikely that she'll respond well. You're probably better off accepting that this is how she is and thanking your lucky stars that you have retained a good, close relationship with your son against the odds.

I'm afraid your standards re phone use don't gel with a lot of young people's. It's incredibly rude to sit on your phone in the circumstances you outline but you will succeed in alienating her and that wouldn't bode well for future relations.

You have two choices. Don't invite them, or put up with it. Yes it's rude and entitled but clearly that's the person she is.

Why is your son not telling her no phone after dinner, he tells you that she and her mum gossip and laugh about people, it doesn't matter, if that's the sort of woman he wants in his life that's his problem, not yours, don't give her hradspace, just enjoy your Christmas, it doesn't matter if she doesn't like you, she may be educated but she sounds ignorant.

Well, she's just rude. You don't go to someone's house and accept their hospitality and ignore them the entire time.

I don't know what the answer is but I wouldn't pretend to be okay with her behaviour.

100% this. I get it must be really difficult but if you cause an issue or make her feel uncomfortable the chances are she's going to stop wanting to come so basically you'll see your son less.
I would make a conscious effort to be super nice and welcoming and include her in decisions about what you'll eat etc. Make her feel special and like she's part of the family and that you're glad she's there. Does she/you drink? Maybe a couple of drinks will loosed everyone up? Also games are a great want of getting everyone involved

I think you just need to accept the fact that she doesn't like you, that's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things

The issue with her mum being judgemental doesn't affect you as you don't spend time with her. The issue with constant phone use when she visits does affect you, I would try to tackle that somehow.Good luck, you are going to need it!!

She does sound a bit rude. But giving her the benefit of the doubt perhaps she is shy or doesn’t have much in common with you all if you are just sitting chatting.

Perhaps you could suggest some kind of family game that you all play to try to interact a bit more?

Her mum doesn't matter. You only need to meet her once in your life and that's only if they get married.

The rest of it - she won't react well to "honesty" (criticism). Let her sulk in their room if she wants.

Ask your son about when goes to visit his girlfriend’s parents. Does he sit on his phone, not making conversation and answering questions with one word? If he says he does, point out how rude he’s being. If he says he doesn’t, this gives you the perfect opportunity to point out how rude his girlfriend is being.

Sounds like a pitch fest all round

Have you considered that there might be a reason she doesn’t like you?

Just don't go there OP. Your son will inevitably defend his girlfriend and even her family, even though he's secretly critical of them. She sounds lacking in good manners and she should get the hell off her phone but it is what it is. Whatever you say will be wrong. I guess she's in her early 20's? Maybe she'll improve with age.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone taking this seriously as usual

You absolutely should have a good relationship. I wouldn't marry anyone whose mum I didn't consider a second mum-the title MIL means when we marry, she is my mum too, and equal grandparent of any kids that come along. My mum always brought me up to know to include all the family, which means both sides, and that disrespecting his mum means disrespecting the man you're supposed to love.
I actually dumped one boyf because he was rude to his mum/mine. Always judge someone by how they treat people (before anyone says some people have abusive parents, and it's not fair to blame them for that, I do get it, but I would be very wary of having a serious relationship where relatives didn't get on well).