To have an honest yet polite conversation with son's girlfriend

[momtoboys]

My oldest son (27) has had the same girlfriend for 7 years. They live together, about 4 hours from us, which is very close to her family and likely where they will stay in the future. We are very close to my son, speak frequently, group chat almost every day, etc.

This is the first year that they are doing the alternating holidays. Thanksgiving (we are in US) at her family, Christmas at ours. She is smart, capable, well educated, high earning, and so many things that my son loves about her. She is very close to her mom and I have been regaled for years of stories from my son about how judgmental they are and that she and her mom spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people between themselves. She does not seem to want to develop a relationship with our family. She comes to visit a few times a year, we greet them happily, offer food, drink, regular visitor stuff. She is gracious, says no thank you and disappears to their bedroom mostly only to appear when they are going out. The few times she does sit with us after dinner or while sitting relaxing, she is texting the entire time. I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or perhaps one sentence answers. Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone. My son and I had a conversation about this several months ago which went really well, I thought. I told him that we are happy that he has found someone he loves, but as his mother I am worried that he may marry someone that doesn't like his family. He said "what has she done that makes you think she doesn't like you?" My response was "nothing, but she certainly hasn't done anything to make us think she does". He said that was another way to look at things and he hadn't thought of it that way. I think he must have said something to her because for the first time ever she texted me unprompted and sent a photo of my son.

I am dreading Christmas. I know this is my problem but I am convinced that she will spend her time texting her mother listing all the ways I fail as a cook, decorator, house cleaner, etc. I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?

Would agree with others - a conversation or any attempt to dictate behaviour around phones in any form I think is a big mistake.

If she text you with a pic of your son, after you think he spoke to her, surely that’s a positive thing? She’s trying? Can you build on that and send a few things back between now and Christmas? Not bombard her but a few messages, some of which may be making plans in an inclusive and considerate way.

When she’s staying I would just try super hard to be friendly and hospitable and inclusive. Perhaps she also wants to improve the relationship and will respond positively. Perhaps she won’t but your son will be more aware after your conversation. Perhaps no good will come of it - but really no bad can come / you can’t be blamed by your son which is also very important.

Assuming you want to maintain a good relationship with your son, and any future grandchildren, you need to do everything you can to improve things, and be very careful not to be judgy or negative towards her. This is not a situation about who is reasonable / right or what is fair - it’s about treading really careful so as not to end up in a position you don’t want to be in.

She is 27, not 7. Telling an adult how and when to use their phone is a bit off.

I think it is really rude to sit texting when you are visiting. At 27 and educated with a good job, she should be able to hold a conversation and be polite even if you are not her favourite people. I would be concerned that they both think thus is OK.

Do not have a conversation with her about your relationship with her. There is no way to take that conversational gambit except for what it is "I don't really like or get you and suspect you feel the same about me so can we change that" You can't. Not by conversing anyway. Over the years you may warm more to her and she may relax more with you. She is a member of your family now and you just have to take her as she is as long as she isn't being mean or cruel or rude. The very most I would do is text in advance to her saying "if there is any tradition/food you'd love me to include in Thanksgiving, please let me know"

So what if she is judging you? you must be happy enough with yourself and your life at this point so who cares what she thinks or says to her mother. If your son met a girl you adored and who fit right in it would be a lovely bonus but he didn't. If he is happy that is all that matters.

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I think people can grow up in completely different families and not realise. Its possible she prefers your family setup but doesnt want to engage too much and is playing it cool.

I would be more concerned that she does not appear to have any manners at all than what she personally thinks of you as a family.

We don’t all have to be a get along gang, but a bear minimum for a 27 year old staying in anyone’s home is that they take part in general activities and stay off their phone and out of their room, unless they are urgent work calls.

The best thing to do is absolutely nothing. Don’t make yourself the bad guy. Anything you say will have you labelled: needy, intense, poor boundaries, domineering etc.

She has absolutely no social graces and you need to turn a blind eye to the whole thing.

@pinkdelight - I know this probably sounds terrible but I would have no problem if she didn't come at all. Except I wouldn't want to have that become the norm when they have children because we would probably see them less. The atmosphere in the whole house is off when she is there. My other sons (I have four more) all call her "the queen or the dutchess".

This is a great idea @momtoboys have a pre-emptive conversation and see what comes out of it. And if she and her Mum are having ‘those’ conversations it’s a reflection on them …

She sounds very rude and not nice.
I would be so disappointed in my son with his choice.
He clearly sees the judgy snide behaviour and is happy to be around it.

I think a lot of mothers make the huge mistake of trying too hard.

In your place I would completely match her energy.
Don't make an idiot of yourself by bending yourself out of shape trying to engage with someone who is so clearly dragged up.

Her lack of manners and breeding are clear.
Not looking up from her phone, with one word answers, is frankly appalling.
Teens know better.

Drop the rope. Enjoy your Christmas and let them off.
Sounds like your disappointment should really be with your son, I know it would be with mine if my boys brought home someone so poorly reared.

"Why is your son not telling her no phone after dinner, "
Possibly because he's not her parent! There have been many threads about men ordering wives to behave the way they'd like, and its not appropriate.
He could ask her tho.

@Sweetandsours "In your place I would completely match her energy.
Don't make an idiot of yourself by bending yourself out of shape trying to engage with someone who is so clearly dragged up." This is what I am afraid I have been doing.

That's pretty rude of your sons too, maybe she doesn't feel,comfortable and senses no one likes her, maybe she's just rude, maybe she's awkward, I do think your son should ask her does she really want Xmas at yours, why she's on the phone again and why does she hide away in the bedroom. Tbh I wouldn't push for them to be there, it doesn't sound fun for anyone.why do you need to be her friend, maybe she finds your relationship with your son a bit overbearing.

2 red flags:

1. your son bitching to you with tales of how judgemental his long term girlfriend is; and
2. the fact that you would even consider having a word with the woman about this speaks volumes

@momtoboys I know some women like this. I don't think it's necessarily that she doesn't like you she's just not interested in having a relationship with you and she has no manners whatsoever. A friend of a friend came over for a meal with mums and kids. She spent the whole evening on her phone even ignoring her own kids. Some people are rude as fuck and I'm sorry your dil is one of them. Don't make efforts- she won't appreciate them.