To have an honest yet polite conversation with son's girlfriend

[momtoboys]

My oldest son (27) has had the same girlfriend for 7 years. They live together, about 4 hours from us, which is very close to her family and likely where they will stay in the future. We are very close to my son, speak frequently, group chat almost every day, etc.

This is the first year that they are doing the alternating holidays. Thanksgiving (we are in US) at her family, Christmas at ours. She is smart, capable, well educated, high earning, and so many things that my son loves about her. She is very close to her mom and I have been regaled for years of stories from my son about how judgmental they are and that she and her mom spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people between themselves. She does not seem to want to develop a relationship with our family. She comes to visit a few times a year, we greet them happily, offer food, drink, regular visitor stuff. She is gracious, says no thank you and disappears to their bedroom mostly only to appear when they are going out. The few times she does sit with us after dinner or while sitting relaxing, she is texting the entire time. I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or perhaps one sentence answers. Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone. My son and I had a conversation about this several months ago which went really well, I thought. I told him that we are happy that he has found someone he loves, but as his mother I am worried that he may marry someone that doesn't like his family. He said "what has she done that makes you think she doesn't like you?" My response was "nothing, but she certainly hasn't done anything to make us think she does". He said that was another way to look at things and he hadn't thought of it that way. I think he must have said something to her because for the first time ever she texted me unprompted and sent a photo of my son.

I am dreading Christmas. I know this is my problem but I am convinced that she will spend her time texting her mother listing all the ways I fail as a cook, decorator, house cleaner, etc. I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?

Have you thought about trying to spend one on one time with her, even if its going to get the xmas food shopping ect. i would also say it's fair to announce to the whole family, right phones and tv off, lets play a game and insist she joins you. ultimately you cant force her to change, maybe she's overly shy? i know it's been 7 years but some people are socially awkward

This is not going to endear the OP to her. You can’t control adults’ phone time.

I don't think there's much you can do. Carry on with the polite greetings etc but don't bother wasting energy and effort trying to make proper conversation.

I knew someone like this (not a relative, we were doing a college course) and she was hard work to try and talk to. I'd make the effort and get very closed or monosyllabic answers. I tried sitting in different places to give her the chance to avoid me but she would come and find me, sit with me and .... monosyllables. I ran out of steam and stopped trying to chat and we pretty much sat in silence! Some people are just hopeless at this stuff.

Is it unreasonable to want to attempt to have a conversation with her about how I would like to get to know her better and maybe develop some sort of relationship?
It would certainly be unwise.
You can't force this. Trying to force a relationship, or continuing to talk to your son about how she relates to you (or fails to do so) will only backfire.
Leave it alone.

I get tired just thinking of topics to talk to her about.
You are trying too hard. Just carry on chatting to your DH and son and anyone else who is present. Don't ignore her deliberately, but don't go out of your way to talk to her deliberately either.

If I got my phone out at my mil’s dining table she would tear strips off me. It’s so rude.

My son is like this, he’s incredibly shy and he will physically be dying inside sat around people he doesn’t know. How ever he won’t sit on his phone I think that’s a little rude, maybe just ask her what her hobbies are or ask her if she’d help you prepare some food and get chatting just you two? Xx

I'd be civil but keep hosting to a minimum. Quiet quit. Don't go out of your way. MAybe ask if they'd prefer to stay in a hotel and just meet up for a coffee \ drink\ dinner

Could you play some family after dinner games to get away from phones and encourage 'silly' chatter to break the ice rather than serious discussion, Monopoly, Uno or whatever people play these days, even charades. She does sound rather rude or is she very shy or just doesn't know how to fit in?

You mention you are concerned that she will send unkind messages about you to her mum? Does it actually matter what her mum thinks of you, is her mum someone whose opinion matters to you?

My main concern is whether she will impact on your relationship with your son and any potential grandchildren. And for this reason, you need to not antagonise her. Keep being friendly and polite, but don't push her into talking if she doesn't want to. Yes, she sounds like a very rude person, but you can't change that, it's up to your son to see that she may not be as nice a person as he thinks.

She is gracious

I have attempted to initiate conversation only to have her answer inquiries with one word or one sentence answers Most of the time she doesn't even look up from her phone.

She is not gracious. She wasn't taught any manners, or at least she doesn't put it into practice. I can't imagine being this rude to my partner's mother. When I met his family, I was polite, engaged, took an interest, and yes I even switched my phone off.

I wouldn't bother asking her what you can do to make her life easier, or ask her what you can cook for her. But then I give rude people short shift.

While I wouldn't dream of being so rude as to sit on my phone the whole time I was spending time with my in-laws I would also be absolutely fuming if I was told as an adult that there was going to be phone free time....

Thank you for the responses. All of you have very good points. I didn't envision any conversation that would be "calling her out" on anything (at least in my mind) but just asking if she has any ideas on how we can get to know one another. But I see the point many are making. @FreshInk - there may absolutely be a reason she doesn't like me. I cannot think of what it might be, but would love to have a conversation about that and try to put it behind us. She also treats my husband and other sons the same, so maybe we have all done something. @MimiGC - that would be a good question to ask my son. That answer may add some clarity to the situation.

I agree that my son filling me in on the behavior of his girlfriend and mother probably wasn't appropriate, but she has been part of the conversations many times when he has mentioned it, mostly in the background when we are on the phone and she agrees and laughs about it.

It would be ideal, to my mind, if your family and her family could become friends, so that there is shared sense of togetherness. I know logistically it might be a challenge, but I’d be trying to foster new traditions where the two families have good times together. She’s basically nabbed your son and blanking your family, it’s remiss of her. Her mother needs to realise you’re a real person, not a competitor and a rival.. it sounds as though her and her mother have an ‘ us and them’ mentality, in general.

It sounds to me to be honest like she's just a bit rude and doesn't have good manners or good social skills. Something to help me to get this like a game or asking her what is important to her about Christmas and ensuring that you do that on the day might be helpful but ultimately you can't force somebody to like you or talk to you in great detail if they don't want to or they don't have the skills to do it.

Anything you say to her will be spun in such a way that it will make things much worse. There's really no mileage in it.

I think the ideas so far of a) asking her if there's anything special that she likes to eat/do on Christmas Day b) play a board game as a family (if your the kind of family that does that stuff) c) involve her in the cooking/whatever. I used to be painfully awkward when I was that age, and was always grateful to have a job/role during social occasions and get togethers

It might not even be true that she and her mum are judgemental and spend all of their time judging people and making fun of people. You only have your son's side of this.
And I personally wouldn't give a shit if someone was judging my house/cooking/whatever; I'm too old for all that.
But I think she's a rude mare to come to your house as a guest and then give short, brusque answers when you're trying to make conversation, and even more rude when she doesn't even look up from her phone.

The reason might not be you. When I was with my emotionally abusive ex husband, he would tell me awful things his DM had said about me. Many years later he admitted that he had lied and made those things up in order to make me feel bad.

I will tell you this - I am no competition for her mother. Much younger than me, attractive and much less socially awkward. She and I are very different people but would love to think that we could be friendly. The family send food when my MIL dies and we did the same for a death in their family. We are not NOT friendly but it is limited.

Be a good hostess and dictating to or embarrassing your guests isn’t the way to do it. Rise above it. No need to fawn over her. Just make her feel welcome. It’s her Christmas too and let her relax. Her rudeness is for her to deal with. I would not discuss her behaviour with your son either as it will go straight back to her.

Antagonise or isolate her and you’ll find out very quickly who your son chooses.

She’s being a bit rude but a conversation won’t help. Can you all do something together at Christmas for which you can’t use phones? I don’t like sitting around just talking after dinner, I’d rather read a book or watch telly, maybe you can try games. I know that when I go to see family during the holidays I am absolutely exhausted and my IL’s conversation style is an interrogation and I dread it a bit.

Yeah saying something won't help and absolutely don't do the phone free time suggestion, she's not a child. Accept your son loves someone with no manners and try and be gracious and rise above it.

Why don't you suggest some time together when they're around, like afternoon tea out, or something special just the two of you, as a way to get to know her better / build a relationship without any awkward conversation call her out.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is chill, try not to notice or mind, and remind yourself she must have qualities your son sees that come out less when there's company (that makes it sound like a 1970s joke about her 'assets' or something and I don't mean it like that!)

If it doesn't work out between them, your son might end up seeing it your way, but if they're together for the long haul, you might just have to get used to having a somewhat unsociable person in your family.

I definitely wouldn't start having 'no phone' rules: quickest way to alienate her further! And stop taking it personally if you can: there's no reason to think this is about her not liking you. She just sounds a bit mannerless.

It could be worse, it really could.Ask me how I know....

Well, she's just rude. You don't go to someone's house and accept their hospitality and ignore them the entire time.

I'd assume she'd rather not be there and is only going to keep the DS happy. Her thinking will be that she doesn't need or want their hospitality so is going through the motions doing the minimum before she can get back to her own life. That is rude by some interpretations, but I imagine the alternative would be that she doesn't go to OP's house at all rather than she transforms into someone who enjoys herself there. The suggestions to spend more one-on-one time getting closer to OP and playing family games are probably her worst nightmare.

Better to keep it breezy and low-key and expect less. Let her go on her phone and enjoy the time with the DS while he's there, not make it any more awkward.

She sounds like a teenager not an adult, and an abominably rude one at that. I can't imagine being a guest in someone's home and behaving like that. Does she have siblings?

I wouldn't try to address her behaviour directly with her or try to engineer more social time with her. What I think could be powerful is modelling to your son what healthy extended family relationships look like. If your other children have partners, do they spend time with you when your son is there and have good relationships with you? If so, seeing those interactions with you would probably help your son realise this is how family relationships can look. What do your other sons think of this? Have they said anything to him?