When to Have the Period Chat

[JustHavinABreak]

I'm posting in AIBU because there's so much traffic here and I'd love to get some advice on something.

I have 3 DC and the youngest is DD (9 almost 10). In some respects she is 9 going on 7, and in others she's 9 going on 15! My other two are boys so this is the first time the issue has come up.

I had my first period when I was 11 and I believe my DM started pretty young too. My own DD is showing absolutely no signs of puberty and still hasn't reached that stage were there's any significant difference between the boys and girls in her class. They all still play together and the boy/girl divide that sometimes starts to happen at around that age doesn't seem to have started yet.

Every time I broach anything even remotely linked to her and puberty, she changes the topic. I think because she has older siblings, she knows it's a "thing" but she has zero interest in it and is not in the least bit shy about her own body. Happily parades around the house looking for her pjs and towels when she's getting ready for the shower or getting dressed. Respects other people's privacy but doesn't feel the need for it herself just now.

Part of me wants to not force the issue and instinct tells me she's not quite ready for any "preparation" but another part of me worries that I'm thinking that because it's ME who's holding on to her innocence. I'd hate for her to get her period out of the blue and feel shocked and unprepared.

If it's relevant my own periods were HORRENDOUS with endometriosis that went undiagnosed well into adulthood. My DM was the same and I worry that this is what lies ahead for DD.

If you were in my position when would you start talking about periods? I can't mention my own because I have a coil and haven't had a period for years. Otherwise that would be a brilliant way in.

So....

YABU - worse would be that she's unprepared. Start talking about it now.
YANBU - give it a while and try again in 6 months time.

It's the law to teach it in primary school now, so she should know the basics by now and hopefully her school takes part in the Period Product Scheme too. As others have said, I can't remember ever not knowing that my mum had them because we went shopping for period products, they were in the cabinet in the bathroom, when I was very little we went into the same loo cubicle together. I've always known about it.

About 7 is correct. 9 is far too late.

Same

Why is she still walking around undressed at nearly 10? Especially when she has older brothers.

It sounds as though you're babying her. The school have probably already spoken to her about it by now. If not, you need to talk to her. You're failing her right now.

In Y6, they will likely have the puberty talk at school, so you might want to get ahead of that. But I would start to talk to her in general terms about periods, rather than focusing on her period.
Have you got any age appropriate books on puberty for girls and what to expect? I would buy one and give it to her to keep in her room, saying you and her will read it together whenever she’s ready/interested.

I never really thought there was a right age and have just been guided by my children's questions as I've never particularly hidden my own periods from them. So both of them knew quite early, certainly well before now (dd is coming up 10). Dd has started puberty so I think having an ongoing conversation that started early was the right approach. I think she'll have periods by 11 and I don't want her to think of them as taboo or shameful, so the more normally you treat it, the less of a Big Thing it becomes.

I would say start now. I have a 9yo DD who is emotionally about 7 (she’s autistic) but she has some breast bud development so we’ve slowly started talking about it. I actually think she will start quite late as I did and also she’s extremely thin so I can’t see her meeting the weight requirement for ovulation at 10 or 11, but as your question suggested I really don’t want her to be under prepared if it does happen on the earlier side.

Also she’s seen me struggle with period pain lately (fibroids) so I wanted to reassure her this is not what a normal period looks like and we got the chat going.

How bizarre. I have just talked about it/answered questions when they come up and I have boys! If you make it into a big thing then it becomes a Big Thing instead of a normal, if annoying, thing that happens/has happened to every second person on the planet. I didn't have the 'chat' with my mum until I was almost 12, luckily I was a late starter and had found it all out by myself somehow anyway. She was so embarrassed about the whole thing it made it much worse. Still not been given the follow up facts of life talk...

I think the OP means detailed practicalities, not just knowing they exist. Admittedly I only have DDs but surely every child has seen a mother deal with her period by the age of 4/5 and has asked the basic questions.

I think it's even more important to prepare autistic girls (I have an emotionally young one too), particularly if they have sensory differences and are likely to experience a level of distress in relation to the changes. I've already discussed with dd the best options for her, because I know she'd struggle with the feeling of a sanitary towel.

OP has said she does not have periods.
(I opted out of them too, medically, best thing ever.)
Many woman don't have periods.
It's no reason to not educate a child on their body though.

I had no periods but still had pads/panty liners in the house so it started there.
Explained about discharge (what it meant) what your body was telling you, ovulation and then periods.

I used to get terrible ovulation pain and dd saw me use hot water bottles and pain relief.
We looked at pads in the isles of the supermarket and like another poser suggested I made up a special pencil case with some period products.

If it’s not something you’re comfortable or confident with maybe your dh could do it. Doesn’t necessarily need to be a mom job imo.

They can start at any time from 9/10 and though there usually signs of puberty before there isn't always. I had some great development but not a lot start at 11. Our daughter is 9 and is showing signs of puberty so have started to talk about it.

Talk now! Don't make it a big deal or a big "chat" if she's reluctant. Make her a period kit and explain the basics to her so she's not caught by surprise.
I got a book for DD which we read together another puberty, which was pitched for kids your daughter's age, which was a good ice breaker and removed the cringe factor a bit.
Don't paint it as something negative, her experiences might not be yours - just the facts, and then deal with it as it comes.

I assume your older boys know about periods.

I would be having a chat with your DD. There are books as well that you can use.

Check the school website curriculum page to see when they cover it. I would assume Y5/Y6

Surely school have already told her? But hasn't she seen your pads etc in bathroom? My daughters knew in an age appropriate way from very young prior to school age

If she doesn’t want to talk, give her a book and a kit, and tell her that’s fine and any time she’s ready, you’re here.

For us the conversation naturally started (for both DD and Ds) because as toddlers basically they never let me use the toilet on my own. So they are used to seeing blood and sanitary pads and I just answered their questions in increasingly more detail.

I think there are many ways you can just drop the topic into conversation without making it a thing or a very serious discussion. Id be surprised if your DD has never heard of periods (there are girls in dd10's class who have already started menstruating) but if she hasn't you could casually start the conversation next time you put the shopping away and it includes pads or tampons. Just ask her if she knows what they are for and whether she says yes or no explain it anyway.

Or maybe just (gently and light heartedly) complain in front of her about having your periods to start the conversation and then tell her anecdotes of when you got your first period.

(I tell my kids anecdotes from my childhood at all opportune or inopportune moments and often use them to impart some kind of knowledge or wisdom I want to share. )

Another idea might be if your DD is particularly resistant to discussing it is to discuss it with her older brothers in front of her. (There is no reason why boys shouldn't know about periods).

Before I read the age of your children I was going to say a good age is 8, I think you’ve left it quite late. I’ve not got girls but both my boys aged 12 and 9 know about periods not as in depth but the basics.

I'm a year 5 teacher. We teach about puberty and periods in the summer term. It also comes up in our science topic, which we teach alongside it. A handful of girls will have started their periods by the end of year 5 (some even earlier). I spoke to my own daughter when she was 7 as the changes start to happen before the first period. I wanted her to hear about it from me rather than Chinese Whispers on the playground.

My girls saw what went on in the bathroom as early as I can remember. Never had to have a conversation because it's always been part of the conversation if that makes sense!

I think this thread is good proof that's it's much easier to find natural opportunities to talk about it if you do have periods yourself. It came up very naturally from a young age for my kids.

But there's no reason it would occur to a child to spontaneously ask about periods if they don't see pads, tampons, blood or anything - it is quite a weird thing to happen that you wouldn't expect if you didn't already know about it.

So you probably have to be a lot more proactive about it if like the OP you don't have periods!

You haven't talked about it yet at all? Don't you have periods?

Not yet. She's in 3rd Class in school here in Ireland and they don't tackle it in schools here until 5th Class

Love this idea