When to Have the Period Chat

[JustHavinABreak]

I'm posting in AIBU because there's so much traffic here and I'd love to get some advice on something.

I have 3 DC and the youngest is DD (9 almost 10). In some respects she is 9 going on 7, and in others she's 9 going on 15! My other two are boys so this is the first time the issue has come up.

I had my first period when I was 11 and I believe my DM started pretty young too. My own DD is showing absolutely no signs of puberty and still hasn't reached that stage were there's any significant difference between the boys and girls in her class. They all still play together and the boy/girl divide that sometimes starts to happen at around that age doesn't seem to have started yet.

Every time I broach anything even remotely linked to her and puberty, she changes the topic. I think because she has older siblings, she knows it's a "thing" but she has zero interest in it and is not in the least bit shy about her own body. Happily parades around the house looking for her pjs and towels when she's getting ready for the shower or getting dressed. Respects other people's privacy but doesn't feel the need for it herself just now.

Part of me wants to not force the issue and instinct tells me she's not quite ready for any "preparation" but another part of me worries that I'm thinking that because it's ME who's holding on to her innocence. I'd hate for her to get her period out of the blue and feel shocked and unprepared.

If it's relevant my own periods were HORRENDOUS with endometriosis that went undiagnosed well into adulthood. My DM was the same and I worry that this is what lies ahead for DD.

If you were in my position when would you start talking about periods? I can't mention my own because I have a coil and haven't had a period for years. Otherwise that would be a brilliant way in.

So....

YABU - worse would be that she's unprepared. Start talking about it now.
YANBU - give it a while and try again in 6 months time.

I suspect it’s been covered thoroughly in school. My twins are 11 and have been having it brought up in lessons since they were 8. I, personally though it was a bit young but one classmate started their period at age 9.

Children do seem to start their period earlier but I think that’s in large part due to obesity. I didn't start my period till I was 15 (apparently these timing of these things is hereditary?) and dtd arent showing any signs of puberty and both are slim / sporty. I’ve told them it’s likely they won’t have to worry about it for a few years but if things change then we can talk more and I’ll organise supplies.

Girl guides also does a talk in a matter of fact way as do many girls seem to get first period when away at camp.

Bodily functions have nothing to do with 'innocence', so don't worry

I agree with what OP said about the use of the word 'parade' about a girls body.

I had the chat with mine this year, she's 8. She knew that women have eggs because she knows she grew from an egg in me.

So I started by talking about how when you grow up you will start producing eggs but obviously they don't all become babies, so what will happen is it will come out along with some blood that cushions the egg as well. I mentioned when she might start, what it could feel like, how long a period might last.

I showed her some pads, tampons and period pants and I talked about how they worked. I said for you it will be pads or pants though. She decided she wants to do pants when the time comes, and she has a couple of pairs ready to go because you never know. Much better than the knicker bricks I got when I started!

I got her an age appropriate book so she can always look at that but she knows she can ask me too. I thought she might be freaked out but actually she took it very well and matter of fact. I just said not to go round the playground telling all her mates, and that daddy knows all about periods too so if you need anything and I'm not around to ask, he can help.

I think I'd just put together a period pack with pads and the pants that seem to be popular. Give it to her and tell her she'll need it when the time comes and to come to you if she has any questions if she doesn't want to talk about it with you.

Do something though. My mother didn't say anything and I had no idea what was happening when it did and keep a good supply she can just grab when she needs it.

My mother has never mentioned periods to me. The school talk was from a nurse and we were 11/12.
Some girls at primary school were having periods.

I think having a specific talk is the wrong approach. Children should start learning about bodies from a very young age.

The time is now. The absolute worst case scenario is for her period to arrive and she doesn’t understand what is happening.

Robie Harris has a series of books that starts with It’s Not the Stork. I like them because you can just read whatever section you need. The child can also just browse on their own. They are leveled by age.

Presumably she knows how babies are made? Periods could have been part of that conversation, but anyway, yes it’s a good idea to tell her now what she needs to know.

Even if she’s a way off starting hers yet, some of her peers and friends will be starting soon (or already have done so) and that could be embarrassing or shocking for her if it comes up in conversation with friends at school and she doesn’t know anything about it.

I’m interested in that you think periods and puberty in anyway affect her ‘innocence’! They are innocent things as far as innocent things go! I actually think that 9 is rather late, that’s not a criticism of you by the way! I only have males but I think by 4 he knew what a period was in a round about way and by 9 or 10 he certainly understood the biology of it all!

Now? I started at 9

I never made it a big chat but introduced things at different ages, often in response to their questions. Probably quite young as they would have asked what pads are in my handbag and so on and I wasn't going to make something up. We also had age appropriate books to share. As I had DD2 when DD1 was three there were a lot of questions about how the baby got in my tummy, for example! I also made sure they knew where the pads etc were and how to dispose of them so they could just get them when they started their period and didn't have to make a big announcement. I remember DD2 asked directly for help because she was only 11 when she started, but DD1 was 13 and just texted me on the way home from school "By the way I started my periods, LOL".

Sorry, that's meant to say PP (a previous poster) not OP!
Too late to edit.

I started mine quite young on a school trip and wasn’t prepared. I knew what they were etc so wasn’t confused or scared but I just didn’t have any pads with me as I hadn’t been bought any yet. My mum was gutted when I got home as she felt she had let me down by not preparing me. I think she always just thought she’d be there for when it happened but of course it happened when I was away for a few days.

that’s a long way of saying it’s better to prepare someone in advance just in case

My DD at two liked a chat when I went to the loo. She saw me changing sanitary protection and was curious so I told her very briefly what was happening, why and that she would have periods too when she was about 11. When she was nine, she said she did want to grow breasts but didn't want to have periods 'because I don't want to wear one of those eye patch things on my fanny'. I told her she would have breasts and periods 'because you can't have one without the other'.

My liberal approach was informed by my own experience - thinking I had breast cancer when my breasts started developing, thinking my mother was fatally ill when I saw blood in the loo, being very puzzled indeed when my period started in a music lesson and my mum said only 'You'll have to be very careful what you do with boys now'.

So I'm with posters who say it's already quite late to be talking about periods to your DD. I would do it very soon, so you know there is no risk of her starting without knowing what's happening. Make it brief - most girls have a period every month or so from the age of about 11 or 12, it lasts about 5 to 7 days, the period is blood coming away from the womb because it's not needed when there's no pregnancy, it's a positive thing because it shows you your body has what's needed to have babies if you want them, when you're grown up - and practical - I have a supply of sanitary towels so they are there for when you need them.

You could pick a time when you and she are in the car (I'm assuming you drive!) then she is captive and doesn't have to make eye contact with you.

Edit: GIF unintentional and cannot delete!

It's always been an organic conversation in our house ? We have always talked about periods to the boys and girls
When you go shopping for tampax it's for mummies period etc. It opens conversation

They'll have already been talking about puberty at school. Take her out in the car and bring it up casually whilst you have a literally captive audience. Doesn't need to be anything heavy.

'Whilst we've not got the boys with us I just wanted to have a quick chat about periods - I know it's awkward and you don't have to say anything but it's my job to speak to you about this sort of stuff. I know you'll have been talking about this at school so I'm not going to embarrass either of us but just wanted to say I'm here if you have any questions and there's a box of essential supplies in the drawer on the bathroom as and when you need them' then a huge subject change, then go for a hot choc treat.

Matter of fact, minimises awkwardness on both sides, keeps the door open for further questions and discussion and let's her know where the stuff is.

@Maddy70 OP has said that she doesn’t have periods, so the conversation hasn’t arisen organically as it does in many households. (Mine have known since they were quite little because I wasn’t always allowed to go to the loo on my own 😂)

Me and another friend talked about the minimal information and heavy church attendance left us with some messianic-based concerns when our first periods were irregular!

My son is 3 and saw my last period, his reaction was of genuine disgust, but it was him who expected to come to the bathroom with me.

Boys need to know just as much girls do, most of them will live with one at some point. Plus if these things have always just been the facts of life, without stigma, they can be generally .ore mature about bodies.

I simply cannot imagine having a 9yo girl and not ever having explained periods to her. Does she not ask about your period products? She has probably learnt from friends and wondering you are scared to talk to her. Mine was clued up by 4 that women had this every month and it meant a baby could grow. No shame in raising a bright child.

Churches have a lot to answer for @TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis 8nkyNonkyIsATrdis I haven't had boys but hope if I had had, I would be similarly open with them. My brother's sister-in-law and I did add tampons to his shopping list when he was about to go shopping and he was unphased.

Year 5 at school, so 9/10 it is covered as part of pshe or whatever it’s called these days. The girls were taken into a separate classroom to have specific information on sanpro and how to get help if at school. The boys were also taught more generic biology and has extra time on consent apparently

She knows what periods are, that they happen to nearly all girls and women, that you can use sani products, that it happens for about a week each month?

Other than that I'd just wait for her to want to discuss it. Make sure there's products in the house, she knows where they are, which there would be presumably anyway? And just that it's normal and nothing to be embarrassed about.

They should be covering it in school around now anyway as well.

Where did you read that? It sounds like OPs kids know nothing about periods, and she doesn't have them.

By the way even today the range of start ages is wide, one of my DD’s was 14 the other 16! The idea that all DD’s are young now isn’t true, get them prepared but also reassure them that it will happen when it happens and not to worry if they are older, my dd was most concerned

Surely from toddler age when you in the toilet. Toddler sees mummy has a pad etc. what's that mummy. Mummy wears them every month to catch the blood but don't worry it doesn't hurt mummy and it happens when you get Abit older. End of conversation. At least that's what I've done. You have left it very late as it should be there from them growing up in a family. I wouldn't be surprised your child knows a lot more than you think.

I was asking a question. I was saying if she does know that stuff then let her lead when she needs to know more. If she doesn't know that stuff I was trying to suggest it could be useful to say it.