AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

I started moving to the couch some nights during the night 7-8 yrs ago. No spare room then. Dh has a lot of health issues which meant I wasn’t getting much sleep. Eventually I was on the sofa every night. We have a spare room now a DC has moved out so I have effectively moved in there.
TBH ,it’s not been great for our marriage, we’ve lost the closeness we once had. Not had sex in years but that’s also related to his health problems. I expect plenty of couples don’t have sex much but still share a bed.

Yes, that’s what I meant to say in my post. Separate rooms and bedtime cuddles. Without at least some intimacy (even just cuddles) I’d rather live with a friend, live alone or just be a mad old cat/dog lady!

My DH snores and moves around and gets up to pee and is generally an annoying bedfellow. I sleep in my 7 year olds room (in a separate single), ideally I’d like a room of my own and one day will need one when my DD is older!

We have twin beds. Came about because we wanted a bigger bed but we had two unused twin beds in the spare room so we just swapped our standard double for the twins. I wouldn't go back now because we both sleep much better.

That's another thing. My DH likes it hot in his room, and the windows closed. I like it cool with a window open. I can't stand being hot at night, and have a light quilt on, whilst he has layers and layers! It's almost impossible to sleep together for so many different reasons.

This too. Every time DH got up for a pee, or got up for work early for an early shift - like 5am, he would wake me, and I struggled to get back to sleep.

My husband and I have been together 18 years and have been married 14 years. In all that time we’ve barely shared a bed. We both snore horrendously and have just never been able to sleep in a bed together.
I don’t care what anyone says, it works for us.

Been with DH 6 years, married recently. We sleep happily together and cuddle. If it works for you it works for you - as long as there is love and sleep who the fuck cares where in the house you sleep!

Seeing couples on TV (soaps, movies) sleeping in a normal sized double bed gives me the fear! Our bed is a superking, so there is a decent space between our pillows for sleeping.
I couldn't sleep seperately though, I like cuddling in the morning, and seperate beds/rooms would make spontaneous sex difficult 😂

We did for a while but I felt like we were losing our connection and, tbh, it was lonely. DH snores and I don’t sleep particularly well because I’m in pain which is why we started doing it, but after our recent holiday we decided he’d come back into our room. We are both much, much happier with this arrangement and he can still go in the spare room if I need a break from his snoring.

Not at all! Our relationship is rock solid. We work from home together two or three days per week, we eat dinner together every evening after DS is in bed, watch an episode of our show together, go to bed together and read, cuddle. We seperate when we're ready to go to sleep and I relish it as it's the often the only time I get to spend alone!

DP goes to bed before me so I jump in for a cuddle and a chat and that sometimes leads to sex. Then I can potter about/sleep in peace afterwards. He wakes up around 5:30/6am and I would murder anyone who woke me before 7am (later on weekends), so it suits us well.

Yes, I guess it does affect intimacy and closeness for some couples, not sharing a bed/bedroom, but for others it makes no difference and can actually improve the relationship, because there's no resentment and deprivation of sleep.

Also, as a pp said, plenty of people who share a bed don't have sex! (Or rarely have it.) I know many a couple who were married/have been married 45-50 years or more and shared a bed for the entire marriage. Didn't have/haven't had sex for the last 30 years of it. Some couples married for much less time - like 20-25 years and are only 40-50 sleep together but don't have sex.

Sharing a bed makes very little difference (when it comes to intimacy,) for many couples. As has been said, lots of upper middle class, and upper class people have separate bedrooms, from the start of their marriage, and sometimes, even separate wings/separate parts of the house.

Separate houses in different countries. Works like a dream. Never again a man in mh house.

We have slept in separate bedrooms for about 30 years now. It's brilliant, we have a very happy marriage and a great relationship! We have very different sleep habits and patterns, so we both wake up refreshed and alert. We couldn't be happier 💕

I sleep much better alone, DH snores, I’m a light sleeper and get hot especially since perimenopause. We have a spare room and I sleep in there maybe 3/4 nights a week. The other nights I start off in the big bed but still sometimes creep through to ‘my’ bed at some point in the night. Married 25 years, it hasn’t affected our closeness. In fact if we didn’t have the spare room I’m not sure we’d have lasted because I’d be a grumpy sleep-deprived harridan much of the time.

We have a spare bed now that DD has moved out. I used to go and sleep on the sofa if DH was snoring if I couldn't sleep. Now I have an actual bed to go to, and have to admit I could get used to it! On holiday recently DH slept in the second bedroom as the main bed was too soft and giving him a bad back. I got the best sleep scores on my garmin watch in ages.
My parents have had separate bedrooms the last few years and have been married 58 years.

THIS ^ is the more common scenario (for separate bedroom couples) than the 'they secretly hate each other,' one and they barely speak, there is no attraction or connection, and they never have sex. That's just what SOME people who share a bedroom with their partner want to believe. They can't bear to think for one moment, that a couple who sleep separately actually have a good marriage! 😱

Been with partner 24 years I would be so happy having my own room/bed, he is someone who always wants to be together - I totally get having separate beds/rooms, loved it a couple of years ago he got covid so I stayed in the spare room weeks after he got over it just in case - I sleep better without him disturbing me, I like my podcasts etc

You're absolutely spot on! It's genuinely worked out perfectly for us. Relaxed, happy, comfortable, great sleep and perfectly compatible. 👍🏼

This is such a reassuring thread! As PP said, people are so judgemental about not sleeping together and it's not something I like to admit to, even to my parents.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, and parents for 11. Both DC were poor sleepers for the first few years of their lives. It gave me major sleep anxiety which still affects me today. I've always had issues with sleep though, it takes me ages to nod off and I usually wake to go to the loo several times during the night (which is worse now I'm in my late 40s). DH falls asleep fast...but can wake super early. I'm ok with broken sleep but can't abide being woken up before 6am. Both of us suffer physically and mentally when we are sleep deprived.

We sleep separately and it works for us. Intimacy is fine - at night we are usually too tired at bedtime and early morning I'm either up for the gym or DC might come in. We find our opportunities and I really don't think sharing a bed would make much of a difference.

That said, we do need to remember to have cuddles, sometimes I'm up and about early and there isn't the chance. Still, the benefits outweigh the negatives and our marriage is in good shape!

We sleep in separate rooms. So did my parents and grandparents.

We've been married 25 years, and still share the largest bedroom. Our adult children are still at home in the other bedrooms so we don't have a spare.
I don't think we would have seperate rooms even if we could.
We have different sleep patterns, he goes to be early earlier and I am a night owl. He snores occasionally, but I fall asleep easily and am a deep sleeper so it doesn't bother me.
We've always had a king size bed to get a bit of space, but we recently upgraded and got 2 x 3 foot beds that zip together to give a super king size bed. We also have our own duvets.
We don't feel each other move around so much, our sleep is much better and we are warmer.
It's a good compromise for us.

I am a very light sleeper and wander around half the night, going from our bed to the spare bedroom and back again several times. (And DH is a terrible, terrible snorer.)
However we usually start off in our bed and I’m back in it by around 5 pm before DH gets up at 6. If we’re staying in a hotel I usually prefer twin beds even though there is obviously much less space but at least it’s all mine.
It's actually quite difficult if we have people staying, in fact we have three bedrooms but only two beds, a superking in our bedroom, a king-size in the spare. Still need my own space so if we have guests I often come down in the night and sleep on the sofa.

Dh and I sleep separately. If we slept in thr same room then I would have him under the patio before the week is out. I'm a light sleeper at the best of times. He's a snorer like no other, flops around, tosses and turns and comes to bed much later than me. Besides he sleeps with just a blanket and I like a thick 10 tog duvet.

We have 2 single beds in my bedroom. It started out of necessity. I have a profiling bed (I.e. a nursing home bed) and an air mattress. I can't lie flat thanks to a fucked up spine and fucked up surgery to address the fucked up spine. DH doesn't use the single bed though- it's a dumping ground for laundry at the moment.