To be getting annoyed about my friend hoping I’ll pay for everything.

[FriendOrFunder]

I’m in my early 30s, as is my best friend. We met at uni and have been close for years. She was my MOH. We’ve supported each other through break-ups and family issues, and spent lots of time together before I had children. We’re very different, but have always got on well.

For context, we both did a very competitive course at one of the world’s top 10 universities. I wanted a good education and career, but was also quite traditional. I wanted to meet someone ambitious, marry and have a family. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of why I chose that course and university. She was much more career-first and independent, very much “I don’t need a man”. Marriage and children weren’t priorities, and she saw uni as the start of a big career.

I’m now married with three children under six and we’re fortunate to be very comfortable financially. My husband works in the family business and I don’t currently need to work. My friend is career-focused and works extremely hard. She and her boyfriend are doing well, but have less financial security and family support.

I’m starting to feel there’s an assumption I’ll pay for things, or contribute more, because I’m better off. If she comes to ours for dinner or a takeaway, she might bring a packet of biscuits from the local shop, if anything. Fine. But if I go to hers, she’ll order a takeaway for everyone and assume I’ll pay half. “That’s £60, we’ll go halves, ok?” This isn’t discussed beforehand. It’s not really about the amount. It’s that she assumes I’ll contribute to something she’s chosen, whereas there’s no equivalent expectation when she comes to mine. I’ve actually tried to address it a bit more recently. The last time she came to ours for a takeaway, I suggested we split the cost, rather than just ordering everything and me picking up the bill. She seemed a little taken aback and made a comment along the lines of “Oh, I’m not actually that hungry”. For context, she is also not poor, they holiday 4-5x per year (but perhaps whilst keeping it budget friendly), they have savings and own a decent flat.

It happens with days out with the children too. If we go to a pumpkin patch, for example, there’s often an assumption I’ll cover the costs. My children may be the main reason we’re going, but it’s still assumed rather than discussed. Gifts are another example. I asked what she wanted for her 30th and she said afternoon tea at the Ritz for the two of us. For my birthday, she gave me an inside-joke present that presumably cost around £20–30.

I don’t want to pay more just because I have more money, or have my husband’s earnings treated as a reason I should subsidise her. I’m not expecting her to spend beyond her means. I’m happy to choose cheaper activities or order separately. I just don’t want an unspoken expectation that I’ll contribute more.

It’s even noticeable in small things. We’ll go for wine at the local pub and, when it’s time to pay for the first round (she knows there usually isn’t a second), she’ll suddenly need the loo, answer an urgent text or look away.

AIBU to find this irritating? Should I accept it because I’m more comfortable financially, or is it reasonable to expect her not to make assumptions about my money?

Maybe it all goes back to the Uni Game Plan!

While your whole trajectory was about finding a man who would generously provide, hers was about finding a friend who would end up wealthy.

I'd start saying the same when she comes to yours "So we'll go halves, yeah?" If she gets funny about it then there's a chance to cool it off. If she accepts it then you also each then know where you stand, no-one feels used and the friendship can continue, all other things being equal.

Haha genius!

I completely disagree with you. I find the poor menz position pretty handmaideny tbh and I find the notion that you have to work outside the home to be working "old as nonsense" and ignorant to boot.

We aren't going to see eye to eye on this i don't think, so respectfully, I don't really think our conversation is going to be helpful to anyone on here including you.

It's okay to go your own ways when a friendship doesn't suit you anymore

Wouldn’t go with her to kids aimed activities. You probably have friends with similar aged children you could go with or arrange it as a play date? Or when as a family day rather than your friend needing to tag along.
Drinks - pay for your own and on way out say you need to pay for yours. Or I’ve paid my half?
Gifts - unless she’s also gifting your kids at birthdays and Easter and it evens out then that’s a toss up really. If it balances out if you’re just gifting her then reduce yours to the equivalent.
Maybe just phase out the friendship as you’re at different stages in your life. Keep it friendly but minimal.

What was the top 10 uni and course used to find a man to fund your life? Aren’t you a little disappointed you didn’t get the career you were hoping? Or that you met a man who ended up working in the family business rather than the high-flying career the uni could have yielded? So many questions!

Yet another of these posts about a friend sponging off OP where the OP seems totally incapable of dealing with it, posts a really long post and then disappears.

Grow a backbone and deal with it. Tell her it's not on. If she comes to yours tell her you'll split the cost of the takeaway based on what each person orders. If she then says she isn't hungry, say fine, and carry on with the takeaway order anyway.
Out at the bar? Say it's her round and insist she pays. Tell the barkeeper it's her round.
At a restaurant make clear beforehand that you will be splitting the bill. When the waiter comes to take the order tell the waitefr you'll be splitting the bill based on what each person orders so everyone knows in advance...

You should be paying for pumpkin patch type things because it's for your children.

Gifts: just dial it back next year, no more tea at the Ritz.

She's taking the piss but you are letting her.

You probably tell your children to “use your words”

Same applies to you

We agree on the fact that you don’t have to work outside the home. That’s entirely different to targeting a man for money. You can’t seem to do nuance or detail at all! You do get how those things are different surely?!

And the reason we don’t agree is because I don’t have some big chip on my shoulder about men or “menz” as you insist on referring to them as (would “wemin be ok btw?!) which you continue to carry into a conversion where a woman has full on admitted that she went after a man for money.

But you think that’s fine. Because she’s a woman. And because some women make sacrifices to stay at home, and some men are awful the OP’s calculating behaviour is just grand. Because goodness forbid she actually be held to the same standard as a man. Or any standard of decent and moral behaviour at all. Because she is but a poor woman, it should be perfectly acceptable to use a man.

And I do think my contribution is useful to point out the bloody hypocrisy of the whole thing.

I've respectfully asked you to leave it as you are just derailing the thread at this point. But since you are having some big feelings about it I will respond one last time.

I will just say that men have their standards. Many men won't touch women over a certain age, a certain weight, hair under a certain length etc etc. Women have different standards to men and some of them only date rich men or men who will some day be rich. I wouldn't do it, but I have no respect for anyone who feels sorry for men in this deal.

Assuming op's husband is mr nice guy who "thought she loved me for me 🥺" is statistically unlikely.

So although I cannot claim to know anything about the op's marriage, I also would challenge people like you who are doing so and wheeling out the "narsty gold digger" tropes.

She’s just tight and happy to use you as a cash cow - do you really want someone like that as a friend?

My DH and I have a joint pot of money which is 100% funded by me as he is a SAHD. I have no desire for him to ask permission on how/when to spend money because its his money too. Perhaps this is how OP and her DH see their money too.

I understand that this can be problematic for couples who have ‘their own money’.

Yes. I see it differently. My husband and I both work and have separate accounts. I would never spend his money on a friend.

User alert op!

Just to be clear, are we talking Foxes Fabulous? Or a pack of Rich Tea from One Stop?

YANBU in all the situations you’ve set out, except the pumpkin patch, which is entirely aimed at children.

Shes obviously a massive taker.

Not sure why your aiming to marry a wealthy man and all of that about your attitudes to university life are really relevant but none of it is a reason to expect you to sub her.

I think you need to develop a much thicker skin and reflect her behaviour back at her. CFs rely on others being socially uncomfortable with standoffs over money and so on, and the desire of others to keep the peace.

i think you both have a "user" mentality, probably why you both clicked as friends. You chose a course at uni to find a man who can fund you, and she's found a friend who she thinks she can use to fund her to some extent. You're both as bad as eachother 🤷🏻‍♀️

That makes sense as your money is separate. It’s not the same as when couples just have a joint pot. My DSIS and her DH have separate pots purely because he’s a spender and she isn’t.

DH and I aren’t big spenders and 90% of our purchases are for family stuff, holidays etc. however, if he wanted to buy his mate a takeaway I wouldn’t give a shit unless friend is clearly piss taking.

@Goditsmemargaret your post made me want to hug you. Hope you are ok x

Totally agree. That why I said OP is best to stick with other women with rich husbands so they are all the same type of person and happy to spend their husband's money individually on themselves.

I believe you shpuld pay for the pumkin patch but 50% on takeaways or for yourself

I have a friendship group of 3. One, who has less and one, who has a lot more. My disposable income is probably similar to the friend with less. We spend £15 on birthdays each. And go out for a pub lunch for birthdays. We split the bill 3 ways.

This woman is a cf. I would distance myself. Dh and I had a group of people, who treated us like this when we had more. They were more dh’s friends. And the women didn’t respect me. In the end, I saw red and confronted a woman we’d spent thousands entertaining and she decided she’d give me £1 for something. And it was such an insult that I told her what I thought. And it ended our friendship with the group.

So long as you post I can reply. You making a point while “ respectfully asking me to leave it”, while at the same time referring to men as “menz” very respectfully of course, isn’t you leaving it.

There are people on this thread who referred to the Op as a “noble” SAHM. I’m not “derailing the thread” responding to that thinking, or to you.

You cannot assume that the OP’s DH is guilty of thinking - I got a hot woman in exchange for money. Not all men are apes. And that transactional thinking is very old fashioned.

I’ll save my lack of respect for women who deliberately take up a space on good uni courses to target potentially successful men. I don’t have endless sympathy for the men either. But I don’t believe that all men are as transactional as the Op clearly is.

The Op doenst even want to pay for her friend to join them at a pumpkin patch, while targeting her DH to pay for her entire life.