To be getting annoyed about my friend hoping I’ll pay for everything.

[FriendOrFunder]

I’m in my early 30s, as is my best friend. We met at uni and have been close for years. She was my MOH. We’ve supported each other through break-ups and family issues, and spent lots of time together before I had children. We’re very different, but have always got on well.

For context, we both did a very competitive course at one of the world’s top 10 universities. I wanted a good education and career, but was also quite traditional. I wanted to meet someone ambitious, marry and have a family. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of why I chose that course and university. She was much more career-first and independent, very much “I don’t need a man”. Marriage and children weren’t priorities, and she saw uni as the start of a big career.

I’m now married with three children under six and we’re fortunate to be very comfortable financially. My husband works in the family business and I don’t currently need to work. My friend is career-focused and works extremely hard. She and her boyfriend are doing well, but have less financial security and family support.

I’m starting to feel there’s an assumption I’ll pay for things, or contribute more, because I’m better off. If she comes to ours for dinner or a takeaway, she might bring a packet of biscuits from the local shop, if anything. Fine. But if I go to hers, she’ll order a takeaway for everyone and assume I’ll pay half. “That’s £60, we’ll go halves, ok?” This isn’t discussed beforehand. It’s not really about the amount. It’s that she assumes I’ll contribute to something she’s chosen, whereas there’s no equivalent expectation when she comes to mine. I’ve actually tried to address it a bit more recently. The last time she came to ours for a takeaway, I suggested we split the cost, rather than just ordering everything and me picking up the bill. She seemed a little taken aback and made a comment along the lines of “Oh, I’m not actually that hungry”. For context, she is also not poor, they holiday 4-5x per year (but perhaps whilst keeping it budget friendly), they have savings and own a decent flat.

It happens with days out with the children too. If we go to a pumpkin patch, for example, there’s often an assumption I’ll cover the costs. My children may be the main reason we’re going, but it’s still assumed rather than discussed. Gifts are another example. I asked what she wanted for her 30th and she said afternoon tea at the Ritz for the two of us. For my birthday, she gave me an inside-joke present that presumably cost around £20–30.

I don’t want to pay more just because I have more money, or have my husband’s earnings treated as a reason I should subsidise her. I’m not expecting her to spend beyond her means. I’m happy to choose cheaper activities or order separately. I just don’t want an unspoken expectation that I’ll contribute more.

It’s even noticeable in small things. We’ll go for wine at the local pub and, when it’s time to pay for the first round (she knows there usually isn’t a second), she’ll suddenly need the loo, answer an urgent text or look away.

AIBU to find this irritating? Should I accept it because I’m more comfortable financially, or is it reasonable to expect her not to make assumptions about my money?

So I am not torn in that your friend is being rude and assumptive.

However, reading between the lines it seems like you are considerably better off than her. Like generational wealth?

So she possible feels like your role to her is to share that wealth in a bit of studenty, haven’t I done well manner. It is her right to be carried by you.

I think it’s is outrageous of your friend but I don’t think it’s malicious or nasty or trying to overly take advantage- more like she’s think she should benefit as well.

Maybe a slightly strange take. But that’s my view.

For context, we both did a very competitive course at one of the world’s top 10 universities

Thank you for that context. Nothing in your opening post would have made sense without it.

You can either discuss it with her or cool/end the friendship. Ungenerous people are unpleasant.

Your OP is odd, though. You say she expects you to go halves on a takeaway, but also that when you suggest splitting the cost (which is the same as going halves surely) she says she isn’t hungry - so which is it? Do you go halves, or are you asked to pay for it all? And did you not eat on the one occasion you suggested going halves, even though she asks you to go halves normally?

Your post is also dripping with superiority about how well married, traditional and secure you are, compared to her boyfriend and flat and cheap holidays.

The thing about being super wealthy is that it can be quite isolating and weird. You want people to treat you normally, but you’re so obviously not normal. Have you got any richer friends you might enjoy spending time with more? People who will understand you more, who can get out their husband’s credit card and treat you? Sometimes friendships just run their course. I’m surprised you even find time for takeaway nights at her flat with 3 kids!

Ouch

I had no idea people still went to university to find a rich husband. Like finishing school vibes?

I wanted a good education and career, but was also quite traditional. I wanted to meet someone ambitious, marry and have a family. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of why I chose that course and university.

Presumably, your friend knows this, just as you also know that she was much more of the opposite mindset that she didn’t need a man to keep her financially comfortable.

She knows it was your priority to search for a career-driven, high-earning husband who could keep you financially comfortable while you brought up your children. She approved and validated that and shared the joy of your success as MOH at your wedding.
As you have remained close friends, it’s possible she probably now assumes you don’t mind her also sharing a few of the benefits your DH brings!

Do you think it could be that she might see it as his money that is paying for the takeaways and for tea at the ritz for the two of you, and therefore somehow (wrongly) assumes you won’t mind?

She has an easy and cheeky entitlement to your lifestyle at your expense, probably at the same time as professing to be financially independent.
It all sounds a bit off and uncomfortable to me OP but it depends on how much you value or rely on her friendship.

I would slow fade her out of my life for now and provide zero opportunities for her to take advantage rather than risk the drama of a falling out with a more direct chat as I don’t think there’s much hope she would see the error of her ways.

Stepford?

Has she told your dh about the reasons behind your choices? You were lucky to find love, your mate wasn't looking and didn't find it anyway.

I wonder if she really likes you as much as you do her, and worries what you think of her. Possibly not, tbh.

Ps. Agree with previous poster she probably talks about you behind your back.

You may have more financial security, but she hasn’t got kids so is probably better off than you think, especially if she can afford all these holidays. Don’t be fooled by her.

You just need to be tougher, and don’t back down. In many ways, you’re allowing her to get away with it.

If she says she’s not hungry after ordering, then just be firm and say that you discussed what to order together. She will get huffy, but be prepared for this.

In the pub, be upfront and say that you got the last round, so it’s maybe time to get the first round in, or play her at her own game. ‘ Paige, can
you get me a Prosecco, i need the loo’ and if she asks for payment, respond with ‘are you sure, you never pay me when I get a round’.

No more Mr Nice Guy!

If I were significantly better of than my best friend I would happily pay more

If you’re doing an activity that revolves around your children and invite her along then you should pay for her to attend. You don’t have to buy her a fucking pumpkin but she’s there presumably to provide company for you primarily and be an interesting extra person for your kids - I’m assuming she wouldn’t choose child-oriented stuff to do if she had the choice.

Presents - why ask then follow through with something as ostentatious and ostentatious as the fucking Ritz? You should have stated somewhere similar for yours, instead of giving her the opportunity to get you a ‘novelty’ gift if you were bothered, or just got her a much smaller gift.

With regard to dinner - does she choose the menu when you cook? Unless you ask her, she’s not having a say what she eats when you do, and presumably you wouldn’t suggest food you don’t like?

When you arrive at the pub say “I’m busting for the ‘loo’ (presumably), could I have a dry white wine/guinness please” /whatever your drink of choice might be and that solves that problem. It really isn’t hard.

Incidentally - you said you’re traditional and admitted selecting a course to snag a well-off, ‘ambitious’ husband - that’s quite cynical, and most uni relationships don’t last long-term, so you were obviously determined in your game plan - was it always your plan not to work once you had kids and the degree was literally your passport to a rich husband or are you going to try to return to that line of work once your children are at school? Presumably you weren’t in your last job long given your age and having 3 children so will you have to re-train?

It's a difficult one. It is hard when you are significantly less well-off than your friends. What might be a trivial expense to them can be a lot to you. You've said your friend still seems to be quite well off but I doubt you know the full ins and outs of her finances.

You seem to be congratulating yourself on the success of your plan to find and marry a rich man at university, versus your friend's independence and career focus. You made different life choices, but I don't think the fact yours has left you wealthier makes it inherently a better choice.

Your situation is more precarious than your friend's in the long term because you are dependent on someone else - if your DH could no longer work, or was no longer around for whatever reason, your lack of independence will make things more difficult for you.

You need to change your mindset of feeling superior to your friend - you have taken different paths, neither one of you is 'better'.

The ongoing issue of who pays for what can only be solved by communication. You need to talk to your friend and agree how you will manage this. I would look at something like:

• For takeaways/dinners at home, the one who hosts pays. That gives your friend the choice of choosing a cheaper option to feed you both if she can't afford a takeaway for two.
• Meals out - each pay for your own.
• Day trips - each pay your own costs.
• Trips centred on your DC - it might be fair for you to cover her costs if it's something like entrance to a children's play centre where she's getting nothing out of it.

If you can't have that kind of frank discussion with your friend, you need to re-evaluate the friendship.

Thank goodness. I was worried it was only one of the top 15 globally.

Perhaps part of why she chose that course and university was to be friends with someone who would marry someone ambitious.

Good plan

Yeah that is all women seem to be good for marrying 'well' go Doris Day!

I think meet up after mealtimes so there is no ordering of takeaways. When you go out, say I’m paying for myself and my kids. Stick to that every time. I did have a friend like that and I started to avoid seeing her unless
we went shopping together. I wouldn’t grab a drink or lunch anymore as it caused resentment. We’d shop for 2-3 hours then id
head home. I hated going anywhere else with her because she’d purposely not bring enough money despite living with her parents rent free, working full time and didn’t have a car. She felt like a child I had to pay for. That friendship faded away when I stopped covering her expenses when out. But I do think if you’re going somewhere that’s for the kids and she’s only there for company then I’d cover her entrance fee.

@FriendOrFunder i’m interested what course she did ? And what her salary is likely to be ?

Actually, OP said her friend wants to go halves when the friend is hosting, but happy for the OP to pay for all when the Op is hosting.

thibk the friend sounds a bit cf expecting Op to pay for everything ! Unless the meals are for Op and her kids and then going halves is much more than paying one persons share?
i would keep suggesting your friend buys the first round, or else split everything in half every single time

She probably does it with everyone, not just you. Some people are just like that and you need to be up front with them. Use phrases like:

Your turn
It’s your round - I went first last time.
Lets split the bill
Shall we go halves?
Your ticket is £20. Do you want to give me cash or do a bank transfer?

You need to be forceful and consistent. She’s relying on you not wanting to rock the boat.

I don’t agree with you about the pumpkin patch, I would be grateful if you offered to pay for me since I’d be helping you with ALL your children and the activity isn’t aimed at me.

If I come on a kids day out to soft play and I don’t have kids you ought to be covering me. Who the fuck would spend their own money on that.

Oh so annoying I had a big response and I lost it.

In short - the strategies suggested won't work. I have had an identical experience. She is a pro at squeezing payment out of you and no doubt does the same to others.

The realising someone is angling for you to pick up the bill sours any enjoyment from the meeting - I remember in a restaurant (and I had been VERY generous to this woman over the years) I'd stopped at the desk to ask a question and I caught sight of my friend making a pretend surprised smiley face "ohhh you didn't, did you..." assuming I was sneakily paying the bill and I realised with a jolt it was so contrived.

It never feels worth to confront it when she 'waits it out' which she will if you try any of the strategies suggested above. They work on normal people. They won't work on her. She will do any number of suddenly important tasks while you sit with no drink in the bar. She will arrive to your house with a big story of how and was so stressed for time she couldn't get to the shop and she's exhausted after a day from hell but if you give her ten minutes to recover she will go back out and even if you nudge her the delaying tactics will start again. It is too tiring for you to keep at it.

You are a lot younger than me and I'm telling you this divide will grow. It sucks the joy out of everything when you are constantly on guard to not get shafted again.

I suspect she has contempt for you also. She will have told people how you went to uni to find a rich husband and get out of working. She will collect more people like her over the years.

You have two choices -
Ask her to meet and talk and tell her how generally you feel taken advantage of in the friendship and being expected to pay
Or
Phase her out because she's using you.

I chose the second probably because I left it too late. I was so utterly hurt and offended because I had always felt that she was weird and annoying with money but it didn't go deeper than money. I went through a terrible time with cancer in my mind thirties and was finally on the recovery track when friends of ours threw a big party with overnight option. As I hadn't worked for a couple of years I had to strategies on how to manage the travels etc but I was so excited to be out with old friends and living a normal life again. I had to get up early that day and travel across the country on public transport. I had considered taking a blowup mattress and tent like everyone else but then reconsidered that i needed to rest peacefully so had researched and found a really good value guesthouse close by. On the way my friend messaged saying she was going to share my blow-up bed and tent she had heard I was taking. I actually wanted to cry when I read it. She was coming in a car with other friends from the other direction and had been collected from her front door. So she was sitting in the car messaging furiously about what was being arranged for her. Even now I can remember the upset that washed over me. It was so grabby and self serving to think she could just barge into my sleeping arrangements especially when I was still ill and on ongoing treatment. When I explained about the guesthouse she got annoyed saying why hadn't I brought the stuff for her then to sleep in and how she wished she 'was rich and could just go to hotels'. For the entire party that I had so looked forward to she hovered around thrusting her glass or plate up first for the cocktails I was mixing (everyone brought stuff except of course) her or the food I had made. I know she wanted to share my room but our friend was wise and took her straight to the party before driving over to see me at the guesthouse and checking I was ok - I was pretty shaky about walking into a house full of people after months and months in hospital.

It really drove home to me that this wasn't a case that I was comfortable financially and she wasn't. Even if your fortunes changed this woman will still see what she can get out of you. It's in her DNA.

This is insane. The only thing you should pay for is the pumpkin patch because it’s for your DC, but she should offer to pay her own entry (if that’s required or buy her own pumpkin).

The rest is mad and insanely entitled! Not ok in any circumstances, but especially not when she also earns well! I’d be reducing contact and stepping back from the friendship, or having it out with her and telling her why it’s unacceptable.

The takeaway thing is mad, if you go for takeaway at someone’s house you should all split the bill- not you subsidise half the guests!

I wonder if part of what’s going on here is that she has lost respect for you as a result of your lifestyle choices - if she’s career driven and independent, I can see how that might have happened. By your own admission, you chose a uni course to help you hopefully snag a rich man - I wouldn’t respect you either.

Maybe she started out as a genuinely good friend but along the way something has changed and rather than saying so and letting the friendship drift, she’s carrying on but doesn’t want to spend much (any) money on sustaining it.

However, kid related activities I definitely would be picking up the bill for - a 30 something career woman is not at a pumpkin patch for the fun of it, it’s to spend time with you and your kids and probably be a spare pair of hands while she’s there.

Isn't she just following your example? You went to uni to meet a rich man and are living off their wealth. She went to uni and met a friend who is now rich and is wanting to enjoy that wealth too. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery as they say!