I’m in my early 30s, as is my best friend. We met at uni and have been close for years. She was my MOH. We’ve supported each other through break-ups and family issues, and spent lots of time together before I had children. We’re very different, but have always got on well.
For context, we both did a very competitive course at one of the world’s top 10 universities. I wanted a good education and career, but was also quite traditional. I wanted to meet someone ambitious, marry and have a family. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of why I chose that course and university. She was much more career-first and independent, very much “I don’t need a man”. Marriage and children weren’t priorities, and she saw uni as the start of a big career.
I’m now married with three children under six and we’re fortunate to be very comfortable financially. My husband works in the family business and I don’t currently need to work. My friend is career-focused and works extremely hard. She and her boyfriend are doing well, but have less financial security and family support.
I’m starting to feel there’s an assumption I’ll pay for things, or contribute more, because I’m better off. If she comes to ours for dinner or a takeaway, she might bring a packet of biscuits from the local shop, if anything. Fine. But if I go to hers, she’ll order a takeaway for everyone and assume I’ll pay half. “That’s £60, we’ll go halves, ok?” This isn’t discussed beforehand. It’s not really about the amount. It’s that she assumes I’ll contribute to something she’s chosen, whereas there’s no equivalent expectation when she comes to mine. I’ve actually tried to address it a bit more recently. The last time she came to ours for a takeaway, I suggested we split the cost, rather than just ordering everything and me picking up the bill. She seemed a little taken aback and made a comment along the lines of “Oh, I’m not actually that hungry”. For context, she is also not poor, they holiday 4-5x per year (but perhaps whilst keeping it budget friendly), they have savings and own a decent flat.
It happens with days out with the children too. If we go to a pumpkin patch, for example, there’s often an assumption I’ll cover the costs. My children may be the main reason we’re going, but it’s still assumed rather than discussed. Gifts are another example. I asked what she wanted for her 30th and she said afternoon tea at the Ritz for the two of us. For my birthday, she gave me an inside-joke present that presumably cost around £20–30.
I don’t want to pay more just because I have more money, or have my husband’s earnings treated as a reason I should subsidise her. I’m not expecting her to spend beyond her means. I’m happy to choose cheaper activities or order separately. I just don’t want an unspoken expectation that I’ll contribute more.
It’s even noticeable in small things. We’ll go for wine at the local pub and, when it’s time to pay for the first round (she knows there usually isn’t a second), she’ll suddenly need the loo, answer an urgent text or look away.
AIBU to find this irritating? Should I accept it because I’m more comfortable financially, or is it reasonable to expect her not to make assumptions about my money?