My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Actually and this too the mum should pay something?

Either all the children go or none of them do. If her mum genuinely can’t afford it (and you can as a family unit) then I think you should pay it from family money. They are siblings and should be treated the same. How could you not?

My half brother is 8 years older than me. He never felt part of our family.
It is difficult enough to be on the outside looking in. Tread very carefully, you married a man with a child. You don't get to pick and choose when she's part of your family.
I doubt the former wife is going to pay a shilling towards school fees and it's really stupid of her and your DH to be discussing schools with their daughter until the finances are worked out.
If she thinks private schools are all jolly hockey sticks and nice gals she's going to be sorely disappointed. My daughters favourite school was the local dump. They were lovely to her after she left her boarding school.
I do think her biological parents should be paying but you've said her mother won't. How will you feel in 5 years time when she grows up and knows she was thought less of than her half sisters?
Let's say it costs you £50k, can you part with that?
What would piss me off if the mother went on fancy holidays after you picked up the slack!

It doesn't sound like OP is paying much for her children though.

Would it be managable for him to pay less towards the household and school costs so he can put it towards his daughter's fees?
Can you afford to put more in?

His argument is that our girls benefit from his income

That is VERY weird - all 3 DC are his children. Of course he should support them.

If his eldest DC's mother won't/can't support her DD, then it's his choice to make up that deficit. Or his eldest DD could learn to cope at a state school. Millions of us did.

He wants you to contribute towards her education as any parent would, but here’s the thing.. when it comes to making decisions for that child, will you have any say? I very much doubt it, that’ll be down to mum & dad.

My dh paid for my children’s education (their stepdad) but I always deferred to him before making decisions regarding them. It’s fine for your dh to say “but we’re a family”, but it has to be not just when it suits him and his ex wife!

She is very very relevant. The girl lives with both OP/DH and her mother and I don't even get this narrative that she isn't relevant. The issue is pretending she isn't relevant in order for DH to pay for us daughter means it is now unfair on OP isn't it?

Simple example there are 3 kids, 2 for OP and 1 for ex wife. Let's assume each child fees is £30k so £90k for all 3.

This will obviously depend on income ratios etc but to keep it simple the fair thing is DH pays eg £20k per child, OP pays £10k and ex wife pays £10k per child so in total DH pays £60k for his 3 children, OP pays £20k for her 2 children and ex wife pays £10k for her daughter.

What he is now asking for is that he continues to pay £60k for all 3 and OP pays £30k for her 2 children while ex wife pays nothing. That's not fair

Now this is assuming that the current split is fair and based on their incomes in the first pace, we don't enough to confirm that. If it isn't then that's a different conversation.

OP needs to make sure she is contributing her fair share and it's up to DH if he insists they he wants to cover his eldest fees (which he is entitled to) without any input from his ex wife, that's his perogative, it's unfair for him to expect OP to pay more than her fair share.

And frankly the should all have discussed and agreed this before sending any of the kids to private school in the first place. He has 3 kids he has to pay up.

Stepdc threads are always batshit on here, ai can’t believe how the dc often get treated.

@Ilovelifeverymuch do you think the DH had been contributing 20k a year to his eldest for the last 12 years?

Woah - that changes a lot. Maybe time for you to up your share so your DH can reduce his and afford to give his daughter the same educational opportunities the younger two enjoy

This. Tale as old as time, which is why I refused to date fathers back when I was single, and advise my DDs to give them a wide berth.

YABU to be surprised that this is being asked of you, TBH.

I can see why he wants all three of his children at private school. It would be fairer. But your SD has two parents, neither of which are you. It’s not your responsibility.

You need to get this sort of thing settled as it’s going to bleed into other things like wills. Will you be expected to spilt your estate three ways too?

Are you both contributing proportionally to the household expenditures depending on net income? Are you both benefiting from the same personal spending 'allowance'? And pensions..?

This is a good point in time to sit down and have an in-depth examination of joint incomes, financial security, and fairness. And to have a financial advisor.

This current situation has simply highlighted the fact that you aren't both on the same page in your thinking about family money and how it is allocated. On the face of it, if he is already contributing disproportionately more towards your joint children's education, then you are being unfair.

Fact finding time. Discussion time.

The other option is none of them go to private school. I bet the OP would have a fit if her DH proposed this though. And such a waste to spend so much money on primary education too. It is beyond unfair to have three kids and pay for two of them to be expensively educated but not the other one. It’s really really shit.

This is a DH problem - he’s pulling a bait and switch, and had no problem with his eldest child in state until now. No one would object to a higher earner paying more to school feels if there was no stepdaughter. He should have treated all his children equally from the get go - and made decisions about sending his younger children private based on that. Not fair to change the rules half way and expect OP to magic up thousands.

If they want to spend 31k a year on school fees they need to foot the bill, not you. You’re not her parent or even legal guardian. If she’s struggling in the state school and they can’t afford private between them, they could look at an alternative state.

I think the way OP has framed this is misleading.
I think the ask is actually that DSD's school fees come out of the joint household account, which will mean that she and DH(in proportion to their income) both pay in more.

Whilst it might not be strictly OP's job to pay towards her DSD, I think refusing to pay for a school move when the purpose is due to issues at her existing school, is pretty mean spirited.

Let's also not forget that DSD has been in state school for age 4-13. Presumably OP's children will be in private school for 4-18. That's a lot of years that the family budget was not paying for private school for DSD. Paying for her for a smaller number of years as ex isn't contributing seems proportional.

Out of interest what is the split on his youngest children’s fees (presume at least 50:50 between you?). I think it’s reasonable to say, I’m the mother and pay 50% of my girls educational costs, I think it’s reasonable that her mother does too. With the father picking up the other 50% of those costs.

That said, funding the education of 2 out of his 3 children is always going to be a wound that never quite heals.

I’d approach it differently, if I could pay, I would and I would ask for a slightly higher spilt on the property ownership, let’s say property worth £500k, split 50:50, £50k spend over 5 years, so 10% increase, 60:40 ownership. I reckon future you might thank you.

Find a very good State school, put all three into it. Save the fees foregone for their futures.

OK, OK, not a solution but I'm not in favour of private education so that's my bias.

To try and solve the problem as it exists, I would consider splitting the fees of your two into more from you than DH. Then he could pay the difference for his other girl. I know it's the same thing at the end of the day, but it seems fairer somehow that DH is contributing equally to all three.

Someone up thread suggested OP’s husband doesn’t fund annual holidays to free up the needed £10k.
That seems sensible.
And if OP wants to contribute her £10k to family holidays then surely that would make it more palatable for her?

Except it turns out OP isn't footing the bill for her own children either.

OP, the solution is that you pay half of the fees for your children's school and then your DH can pay for his DD. You can't both insist the his ex must had her fair share and that you should only pay proportionally.

That's because too many men trot off to create a second family as though its a clean slate, and treat their subsequent children in accordance with their new circumstances, without thinking about the circumstances their origional children are in, and whether they are able to afford to treat all their children the same.
This foolish man looked only at his current circumstances and what he and mother number 2 could afford for children 2&3. Now it's dawned on him he hadn't been fair, its apparantly the fault of either mother number 1 because she can't pay, or mother number 2 because she won't pay.

Who pays for your children’s education? Do you pay half? If not then I think it would be fair to contribute 10k toward the school fees for all of them

This is rather like a modern day Cinderella story but with private school as the ball!