My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Do you pool all your money or keep separate bank accounts- and transfer a portion over to a joint one for bills, fees, etc.?

If he puts everything that he earns into a joint account, then I can kind of see that if he wants to use your household money to pay his three children's fees.
Her Mum really should contribute, but I can see an argument for it.
As others have said, you'll probably need to cut back on extras like holidays.

But, if he only puts a portion of what he earns into joint accounts and keeps a chunk back for himself, that's not on.

DH and I have our salaries paid into individual accounts and then we put a portion into the joint account for bills, etc. If he asked me to do this, we'd need to change it to all joint IYSWIM.

Also, what if she decides to go to university. Will you be expected to contribute to her fees there too?

YABU.
Surely it is not a case of his money and your money for something like this?

This is a joint money situation. Should we spend the money sending her to the school is how it should read.

She is part of your family. When you married him she came with him. You treat her the same as you would your daughters. Or try to do so.

Do we know if his eldest daughter already lives half the time with her step family? Or every other weekend, and half the holidays?

Do we know if her mother lives alone and is responsible for housing, heat, light, food, travel expenses and clothes? If so do we know how much she has left even after including child maintenance from ex DH?
Does she ever need to take unpaid leave if her dd is ill?

Surely the solution is that you pay 50% of your childrens' fees? Or do you expect your husband to fund both your children but not his own out of family money?

I’ve attached the current fee sheet as a few people have asked about the costs. DD2 is in Year 1, DD1 is in Year 3 and DSD is currently in Year 9.

The compulsory lunch fees are separate and aren’t included on that list. I pay those, they’re £395 per term for each of the girls currently, and the secondary lunch fee is £415 per term. It also doesn’t include extracurriculars, trips etc. Those are obviously extra.

I do appreciate the point about the fees increasing as the girls get older. I’ve looked at the figures and yes, I know we’re not going to be paying the same amount forever.

To answer the question about my savings, most of what I have saved was from before I married DH. I had a property and savings before we got together and I’ve always kept that money separate. I’m not particularly keen on using it to fund school fees.

DSD wasn’t sent to private school when she started school or when she went into Year 7 because her mum was against private education. That was her view at the time and DH went along with it. She’s now not against the move, but has been quite clear that she won’t be paying private school fees. Her position is that if DH really wants her to go there then he will have to pay for it.

As for what happens if we separate, that’s another reason I’m reluctant to get involved financially. My savings are mine

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make.

Of course he would never make that distinction, all three children ARE his.. what a weird thing to say.

I think this all depends on affordability though, if OP had a child from a previous relationship that she wanted to send to the same school as her other children, and her husband, who could easily afford it said it was 'not his problem' and refused to pay towards it, would she be upset by that attitude?.. Of course she bloody would, if you marry someone with a child and you live with that child (even if not full time), you have a responsibility towards them in many different ways, you can't opt out when it suits you.

If OP can't afford it/justify it then that's one thing, but if she is saying it is not her problem and refusing to even consider it, then she is being very unreasonable IMO, you are all a family at the end of the day.

I think I'd be telling her she needs to pay 50/50 for the schooling for her 2 children, as she is obviously only paying a bit of it as it stands.

As a rule in firmly in the 'you married him with a child it's up to you to keep everyone equL' side. And if you were upset at your husband contributing I'd be saying you are unreasonable.

However his daughter has 2 parents. You're happy for your husband to pay more than his share, as you should be, I can't for the life of me think of a reason you should personally contribute form your salary though. It seems a bizarre ask and as I say I'm always on the side of the kids in these things but honestly this just seems mad

I missed the fact you don’t contribute towards your shared children’s fees. I don’t think this means you should pay towards your stepdaughter’s but I do think you should start paying towards your own DC otherwise it looks like you’re happy to have DH pay everything for your DC which leaves him short when it comes to his eldest.

NO.

and she should not be going to the same school either.

He should pay all of his eldest daughter’s school fees and half of the daughters you have together. You should be paying half their fees. Why don’t you?
The children need to be given the same education and the same opportunities. If you don’t want to help provide for his child you shouldn’t have dated a man with a child. They come as a package.

Your dh has been an idiot. If he can't afford all 3 of his children attending the independent school, none of them should be going.
I can't believe this wasn't even a consideration until now.
What percentage is he paying towards your shared DCs fees? He should be offering the same percentage for his eldest dc. If he can't, he probably needs to revisit what he currently pays for your shared dc.

This is on your DH.
There's no way I would pay for only two of my children to attend private school.
It's actually very unfair on his first daughter.

For me they would all be at state school.

Whilst you shouldn't have to pay for his daughter, you should consider the fairness of this and the potential resentment.

Perhaps you could pay half the amount for your children - does that allow your husband to finance his daughter's school fees?

That’s between her parents. Not you. She’s not your child

While it isn't your responsibility as such, you have an interest in the outcome and it could happen that restructuring your family money for a few years might be the least bad option.

You are thinking in the terms of yearly budget, but that's not the only way.

He is spending some amount on your shared DDs education every year and will need to up he money as they get older. Is he spending similar amount on DSD's education?

Fot the sake of simplicity - let's say that there are 12 year in education, he altogether pays cost of 6 years and you the other 6 for your shared DDs.

It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to want to provide his first DD with the same 6 years of private education paid by him. His EX's missing share just meaning that his DD spent those 6 years in a state school.

The issue is, that he/you together haven't discussed your finances in that way before putting your shared DDs to a private school. If you did talk about it properly, maybe he wouldn't agree to send them now.

However, if he realizes now that he can't afford to give all his three daugthers the same number of years, he might need to reevaluate whether he can afford to keep his younger daughters in the private school, maybe he need to prioritize his eldest now for a few years and get the younger one back for the secondary.

Maybe DH should be saying something along the lines of right I have x amount of money to put towards my 3 DC annually. If OP decides to top it up to cover school fees for their shared children's education then ok. If ex cant/won't top it up for her shared child then the money gets put away for the eldest either to fund uni or a house deposit. That way DH is being perfectly fair to all his children, giving them equal money but helping them in different ways

Why all his eldest’s fees and only half the youngest? Why does the eldest’s mum not have to contribute?

Your title is misleading. He isn't asking your to stump up, he is asking you to contribute more (as he pays the larger percentage) so all 3 girls can go to the same school.

This is the consequence of marrying a man with a dc. This line stood stood out to me I have never had any issue with her being part of our family,
You might yet have an issue, but she IS part of your family regardless.

Imagine how she feels knowing her dad facilitates her younger sisters going to private school but not her. Ideally her DM would be able to pay half, but she can't and her DF can cover it if he drops his contributions to your DDs together. I can see his point, I can see your point, however, I am thinking of the 13 year old in this situation, having a tough time at school at what is a really hard age anyway.

She doesn't deserve to feel less than. Her DF should have foreseen this though, as having 3 DC and paying for the younger 2 to go to private school was always going to met with issues at some point.

I think her Mum should at least pay those lunch/extra-curricular activity fees, not contributing anything seems wrong.

OP said in her follow up that they contribute proportionally to their DD's fees with her husband paying the lion's share. I would be more sympathetic if they were paying 50:50 already and he was expecting her to find more to fund DSD, but by him paying more towards their DDs, it appears he then can't afford the same for DSD.

His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married,

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫
Sorry @CheeseSheep but I can’t get over that comment.
Your girls benefit from his income because tgey are HIS CHIKDREN. As a father, yes, oh surprise, he is supposed to support them and theyre supposed to ‘benefit’ from him earning well.
If you were getting divorced (as he us bringing the fa t you’re married into the equation), hed STILL have to pay more for them because he is THEIR FATHER.

I mean, how in earth can he bring tye fact you’re married to him as a reason why his dds have a comfortable life?!?

I think the fact that he’s paying so much for your shared children makes it trickier. Really he shouldn’t have agreed to this if he couldn’t provide the same for all his children. As this is where you are now, and there’s only a few more years for his eldest, I think he needs to take what he can afford to pay for schooling and split it in 3. Then you can see if it’s actually affordable for you as a family given this. Then he can talk to his ex properly about the shortfall.

I agree with him. The child is also yours as youre married to her dad.

Also 'i've never had a problem with her being part of our family.'

Poor kid.

I think you’ve both fucked up a bit here. Both of you surely must have realised that at some point, an issue would arise over the financial disparity between his DD and the two you have together. Even if it was when they were young adults, old enough to understand that two had educations costing hundreds of thousands and one went to the local comp. Did neither of you think that there would come a time when this would occur to his DD and make her wonder what that was all about? Did he not think that he should have been putting cash away ready for the day when she’s asking him why your DDs were treated so differently to her? So he could at least say that her mum disagreed with private education but here was the equivalent of what he’d spent on your two. Both of you seem to have forgotten about her and what is supposed to happen when someone with an existing child remarries.

We split them based on our incomes, DH earns considerably more than me so he pays the larger share although I do contribute Is he going to suggest that the only reason you’ve been able to build up your own savings is because he’s been paying the lion’s share of your daughters fees? And if he’s now going to be spending his own savings in paying for his DD, you’re going to need to contribute a larger share to the household? Or is he going to say that if all three girls can’t be treated equally then all three should be in state schools? And what the fuck were he and his ex thinking, even mentioning the possibility to her before doing the sums? Because he’s not going to want to tell his DD that the plan is off, he can’t afford to pay for her education too, so she’ll have to stay where she is, is he?

I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to hand over your savings to educate a child you quite like, but don’t have any great emotional attachment to. But you married someone knowing that they had a child, and knowing that he couldn’t afford to privately educate all three children. And how he treats his DD is going to be the same way he treats your two if your marriage breaks down over this. I think you have a serious choice here. Choice 1 is that you accept that you are a blended family, that you’re a married couple with three children between you, not just two, and that as husband and wife, your money is family money so you help pay her fees. Choice 2 is that you say no, you hold onto your savings and you hope that your husband is a sufficiently shit father that he tells her he can’t afford to pay for all three of his children, so she’s lucked out. And I repeat, how he treats her will be how he treats your two if he resents you to the point your marriage breaks down.

She probably can’t afford to. It’s a huge amount of money. The dad needs to ensure all his kids are treated equally. Private school for all or private for none.

It’s not about stepmom issues.

It’s about the fact OP’s husband is presumably not able to pay his oldest daughter’s fees because he is paying for the 2 he has with OP. That means it’s unfair, and he’s spending far more on his kids with OP than his older daughter.

I mean if OP instead put that 10k towards her daughters, that would free up the 10k for the husband to spend on DSD, so it’s just about how the window is arranged really. The result would still be the same.

Either way he’s going to have to make it work for DSD. You absolutely cannot give your 2 ‘new’ children a private education then say ‘sorry I’m skint’ when it comes to your oldest. You just can’t do that.