My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I’m nothing but flabbergasted that this has never come up before? When your oldest reached school age and her big Sister was about 11, starting secondary, didn’t the idea of putting ALL the children into private school come up? It seems mad to me to send a 5 year old to private school from day 1 but it not enter your head to send your secondary age child too.

Your update makes all the difference tbh. You don’t even contribute half of your own kids school fees!

if I was your DH I would be considering the whole private school thing in its entirety - he has 3 kids to consider and it isn’t fair he pays fees for 2 and not 1

Easy really, if I could afford it then I would do it. Why? Because it might make this young girl happy and give her a good education, and one equal to her half-sisters. I wouldn't think beyond that and I wouldn't judge anyone who chose to do differently. It's a decision only you can make, OP.

You should contribute more to your DCs education so he can offset his.

Or for the DH to work out what he can afford to spend on the education of his three daughters, and split it evenly three ways. Then if it doesn't cover the costs of all three, and the respective mothers can't or won't make up the shortfall to make it affordable for all three; none of the girls get a private education. Which is what he should have done in the first place instead of allowing the OP to make it affordable for his younger two and forgetting all about his eldest.

YABU if he is paying a bigger share towards your DDs and you’re benefiting from that. All the kids should have the same level of education unless you actively want to create rifts. You should pay half the fees for your girls and that should free up some money for him to pay all of his daughter’s fees too.

We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family

This doesn’t read well tbh. She is part of the family! If anything, you joined her family when you met her dad.

But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

I think this is quite significant. If you could afford it out of your income then I'd say think about it. But if it would mean depleting your savings then definitely not. You've built those up out of income for a reason. And it wasn't to pay the school fees of a child who isn't yours.

Honestly, all of my dc were privately educated from age 3 and only youngest left in sixth form and with how the price off fees are now unless I had huge amounts in savings and a very large income I would just be saving to put them through senior school.

Your DH must be a very high earner to be comfortable starting them in pre prep now.

I know VAT has made a huge difference but my youngests fees have gone up by 40% in the last 5 years.

Agree the drip feed is absolutely crucial and with that in mind, you should up your contribution for your girls to 50%, so that he has some money freed up to pay for his older child. And you should have discussed this potential eventuality when you decided your two were going to private school.

Yes the mother should contribute, but she isn't, there are lots of things parents all over the country should do but don't, and in lots of cases, for example in many blended families like yours, others step in to fill in the gaps, because it's the right thing to do under the circumstances.

Because the op ls family are the ones that changed the status quo. The father should never have agreed for his youngest two children to go to private if the money wasn’t there to also send his oldest.

his oldest child having been to state school to 13 has already had £20k a year times 8 (13-5) = £160 k less spent on her than his other children will have had.

The OP said this in her original post
"We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense."
...so I'm guessing the answer to your question is no.

YANBU to not directly contribute towards his DD's education.

However I also don't think your DH would be unreasonable to request a review of the household expenses split with consideration to this potential new expense for him. As it sounds like you currently pay a lot less than him towards your own DC's school fees (understandable given the earnings difference).

It sounds like he is looking more simply that he would need £10k extra to cover the costs and what the new payment is for, but it might be better to fully review your household expenditure instead, and work out an equitable split considering him paying the additional fees. This should still allow you the ability to save and invest, it just might be at a lower level.

Another consideration is that it is only for another 5 or so years. Your own DC's fees will also obviously increase over this period, so that needs to be factored in, but it isn't a new 15 year commitment he's making.

As an aside, could his ex pay anything? If he's potentially £10k short, could she cover £5k? I know that is a lot for many people, and not a large proportion of the fees but sounds like it could make a big difference. Does he pay any other maintenance that could be reviewed?

Part of the reason she has savings is that her DH is paying the bulk of their shared daughters’ school fees!

Is the girl's mother prepared to pay anything towards this? Or will you be paying for uniform, activities and compulsory lunches as well?

If I was going to contribute to someone else's daughters private education because they couldn't afford it, I'd at least want to see some willingness to contribute as much as they're able.

YANBU. She had two parents just one of them is not you. Your daughters have two parents once of which is you

i can understand why he wants his oldest to go to the same school but that’s for her parents to cover

This. I cannot imagine as a parent not thinking about my eldest child too as soon as it was started talking about sending my younger children to private. It’s batshit

"because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. "
He might have a point if the mother was dead or somehow not involved.
Its his and her child, presumably she has some responsibility.

YANBU He thinks that it's ok for her actual mother to say no she's not paying, but no ok for you to refuse ? It should be between him and her, it's not your fault she doesn't want to pay or can't afford it . She's not against her going to the school but she is against paying for her, jeezo!

Given that you keep your savings separate, it doesn't seem fair to me for you to have to dip into your savings to pay for his child's school, when he earns significantly more than you and could probably pay for the oldest child from his own income. If you were totally joining incomes then it would make more sense to me that he would say: the 3 kids need to be treated equally because I am putting all my income in the pot and my oldest is not getting an equal shake as the younger kids. But given your incomes are kept separate, the situation he wants, could amount to him continuing to save while your savings get depleted, to pay for his oldest child's school. Or, maybe he has already saved a huge amount because he earns more. Again, why wouldn't he dip into his own savings instead of asking you to dip into yours? Do you even know how much his business earns? It seems controlling for him to decide what you should do with your income when he doesn't really share his with you except in very careful ways.

The part about how your kids benefit from his income. Of course they do! They are his kids too!

So your DH is expecting you to stump up around 60,000 - 70,000 for his DD, the DD that the child's mother won't pay for?

YANBU.

She could use her savings to pay for more of her own children's fees though. He could then afford to pay for his eldest.

I think something to consider is if he pays the main portion of the money for the schools, would you be happy if he turned round and took your kids out of private school if his girl can’t go. If his go and he’s the one paying for most of it then he’d be right to take your 2 out Aswell.

I’m thinking this too

I agree. If I were the mum I’d try very very hard to contribute something like lunch/uniform/ music lesssons.