My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

It seems odd that the argument of treating them equally has come up now. They haven’t been treated equally since your children started in private school. He shouldn’t have agreed to put your children in private education from the start if he felt like this. It feels a poor argument to bring up now.
You’ve said that your DH pays a larger percentage of your children’s fees so one solution is that he pays less towards your shared children to cover his older daughter and you pay more (presumably still less than 50%) towards your daughters fees. But yes it does feel unfair.

If I could afford it then yes I would pay. No, it’s not really your responsibility but it would be nice for all three girls to be treated the same way.

Does the amount that equates to the larger share also equate to an amount he gives his eldest? If he is paying £30000 for the two kids you share together for example, does the eldest also have £15000 put aside for her?

The drip feed of how your own daughters’ fees are paid changes things. Your DP needs to look at his finances again because it isn’t fair for him to be paying the bulk of his two youngest daughters’ fees, while you pay less, if it means he can’t afford to pay the fees for his oldest daughter. If you truly can’t adjust your own contributions, and his ex won’t pay the top up amount of the school fees for the eldest, he should at least be putting aside the same amount in a savings account for his oldest daughter that he’s spending on his younger daughters.

It sounds like the dh is the one paying most of the fees for his and OPs children though. If that's the case he can ask that she pays more for their joint children and he will then be able to pay for his older child.

It's always going to be difficult when a man gets a new family and spends more on his new kids than on his kid from his previous family.

It's his responsibility. And if he's a half decent father he won't allow two of his children something while denying the other, so if he can't afford the fees for three they should all go to state school.

Is he giving his ex a round of fucks over this as well or just you? Why is her no perfectly acceptable but yours isn’t? He should never make this distinction no because all 3 are his, you step daughter has her own mum. If the shortfalls 10k id be saying the mother needs to cough up half it shouldn’t be all on you.

I’m in a minority here but I think YABU. Your DH earns considerably more than you, so I’m going to assume without him your DC would not be going to private school? It is entirely reasonable for him to decide that all three of his children go to private school and to treat them equally. If he needs to reduce the amount he pays for your joint children to 50% of fees to achieve that that would be very reasonable. So don’t think of it as you paying for his DD, think of it as you paying to keep your DDs at their current school.

I agree with this

I agree

These comparisons aren’t like for like.

the dsds mum was perfectly happy for her to go to state.

then her father has a new family and sends his next children private.

then the problem arises, because one of his children is having less spent on them by him than the other two.

that is choices the father and new wife have made, and thus it’s for them to fix, as it’s them that made the disparity.

Of course he wouldn’t make any distinction between the girls, all three are biological his. He is not asking you to include her in a trip to the cinema but to pay thousands of pounds on her education.Surely there is a cheaper independent school that he can afford himself.

I think most people think this now

I'd love to see this thread and the oh so different posts about the mean DH refusing pay school fees for his blended family (non biological daughter).mAnd no, people wouldnt be posting the exact same thing

Cool, so the eldest situation doesn’t change, but the youngest are moved around and uprooted - even though their mum can and does provide part of their school fees.
the eldest mums can’t, that’s the issue here. If she paid the 10k, their daughter would be able to go.

so the OPs children are penalised because someone else’s mum can’t afford it.

he could put the youngest 2 in state & then all 3 can go private for secondary

I think I'd pay purely so as to not show the seeds of resentment between the sisters. "I couldn't go to private school because my dad was already sending his two younger daughters and didn't have enough left for me to go when I needed to".
See it on MN all the time. Unnecessary bad decisions by parents or step parents trying to stick to the "not my child not my problem" rule.
If you pay, in the future she will definitely appreciate what you did. Maybe not immediately, but in years to come.
Play the long game!

Maybe he has to give something up to pay for his daughter, it's not your issue.

Only when it suits people.

As long as they don't try to discipline the children, or turn up at parents evening, school assemblies, weddings, 21st birthday parties...

Stepparents are only seen as 'parents' when there is cold hard cash involved.

@aperolspritzbasicbitchwell the eldest is penalised because the dad can’t afford it & the OP can’t afford private school for her dds herself.

He should treat his children equally.

It isn't up to you to pay for his eldest.

If he can't afford to pay for his eldest too, he should look at whether or not he can continue to pay the lion's share for the younger two while his eldest is left out. This may mean you contributing more towards your children's costs or pulling them out of the school if not financially viable.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

And here it starts….

If I was your husband I would want my children to be treated fairly and equally. In his position I would be saying, okay if I can't afford to send all of them to private school then none of them can go. I would stop my contribution to the younger children's school fees.

Feels like the split should be 50/50 for your shared daughters as opposed to proportional income and he pays 100% for his daughter, with a contribution from her mum to make up any shortfall.