My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I think he needs to contribute the same for all dc & obviously the youngest dc are in a prep whereas the eldest is starting later so overall will cost less.

Does he actually need to contribute more or can he take 10k out of the overall household budget eg cheaper holidays

Fair point

Op, if your husband was only paying 50/50 of the fees and bills then I assume your daughters couldn't go to a private school as you could afford it...yet you want the mum who can't afford it to pay 50/50.

How much of the savings would you need to contribute? As you are married all finances are considered joint so I think you need to consider that the finances are joint so you are benefiting. You now have 3 children to pay so you will need to pay more.

It was always predictable that if your daughters went to private school his daughter would also need to go.

Although be aware you will be paying for all 3 and/or Uni in a few years so hope you jointly have a large savings pot.

That was not how the OP's posts or the title have been worded. She seemed to suggest that he is expecting her to pay directly to DSD's fees and only her follow up post did she drip feed that actually he is paying significantly more towards their DD's fees than she is.

Other posters (including myself) have suggested that her picking up more of their DD's fees may be something she has to consider so he can be fairer to all 3 of his kids.

Well, the point is that in this scenario if it wasn’t split 50-50 it wouldn’t be unreasonable for to say it would need to b 50-50 from now on, and to use the money he’s saving to pay for his oldest daughter to attend too.

Yes. Then that’s fair. The op is wanting to be subsidised by her dh, but doesn’t think the mother of his other child should be. If the family pot doesn’t have enough for all 3 to go to private, then none of them go.

Does the mum have a partner? Is he being expected to pay towards DSD’s private school? If not, why is the OP, who would have a similar relationship with DSD, being asked to pay?

Hardly! It’s asking for someone outside the household to chip in for an expense that is for a child that’s not hers.

if @CheeseSheep had kids with her previous ex, HE would’ve been on the hook for his share of expenses, not her current H.

But I don’t think OP is being asked to pay for his DD.

He wants her to pay more equally for their shared kids.

Defo nothing to do with you. Up to her parents to find the money. Particularly given he earns more than you in any case.

our girls benefit from his income
Is this true? For example is more of his income going towards maintaining a nice standard of living for all of you than from your income ( as a top-up for comforts and luxuries, say?

I wondered to if his DD lives with you or her
mother?

Could her mother at least contribute say uniform and trips/extra curricular things? Surely she can see her ex has a point about the fresh start for her.

The only way to make this work is all household earnings go into one pot and all bills including school fees are paid out of that. But you both need to factor in yearly fee price increases, plus the increases for age, the sums need to be done very carefully to make sure this is really affordable.

I don't agree with private education BUT there is no way that you can pay for education for 2 out of 3 children. At the outset before the younger two went to the school the prospect of fees for the eldest should have been accounted for. You could consider your contribution not so much for her but as more of a contribution for the younger two.

This, basically. I cannot believe the DH didn't give this some thought at the get go but maybe he thought his ex-wife would always say no to private. In my experience, when someone else is paying objections to private school on other grounds can go out the window and he should have realised this was a risk.

I think he should treat all 3 of his children the same.
He can decide to pay full school fees for each of his girls, when they reach 13, and they can all go to state until then.

Step parents are a type of parent - clue in the name

step parents should step up and make sure that all children have equal opportunities

What is his attitude to other costs for his DD? Are you expected to contribute 50/50 to everything else?

This is the fairest & least damaging solution.

Not really because the girls mother isn't paying anything so the split is based on OP and DH covering for all 3. The right and fair thing is OP and ex wife both contribute based on their share of children and DH covers the rest.

Ex wife should be stepping up and contributing. I could even understand if she says this is what I can afford rather than she she agrees that this move will be good for her daughter she wouldn't be paying anything.

If she is truly against private school then she should be pushing back against moving her daughter to private school but she obviously isn't doing that, she just doesn't want to pay.

I would feel the same as you OP. However I agree with some of the other posters who said this is on him - he probably shouldn’t have agreed to private school for 2 of his children if he couldn’t afford it for all 3 and taken into account that he might need to pay the full fees for his first child. I don’t think you can be expected to cover the shortfall

Yup, following update DH should reduce his payment of fees to 50% and if that then gives him the funds to pay for his eldest daughter's fees, that's his choice.

He has a point. He’s paying more for your joint dc so effectively has less to pay for his oldest dc.

your dh was wrong to agree to private for your joint kids if he could not afford for his oldest.

from your pov I’d look at it as you’re paying more towards your own dc fees therefore freeing him up to pay for his other dc.

if you paid 50:50 for your kids how much extra would you pay?

This really blurs it. To keep it fair, he should pay the larger amount compared to his ex for his eldest child too, just like he’s doing for you in the proportion of income.

I understand where you are coming from but how much more he is paying for your DD's fees - what if he said he will only pay 50% of them in order to pay for his eldest's in full.

Did it never occur to him when he put his youngest two into private school how his eldest may feel?

I don't think the ex-wife is relevant.

Yes, ideally she should contribute.

But if OP's DH wants to fully cover his eldest's dd's fees, he should be able to do (subject to family finances allowing it. Which OP has refused to answer).