My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Many couples put both incomes into one pot which pays the bills, then split the balance between joint savings and personal spending.

If her mother has the means to contribute to school fees but is choosing to prioritise other things then you're absolutely right. If her mother isn't in a position to pay school fees, but you could comfortably manage it as a household then I think you're unreasonable.

Then the OP could just say that she can’t afford it - like his older child’s mother has.
then what?
all kids go to state school?

In that case none of them go private.

YANBU. No way would I do this.

Except the op missed the bit out of her op strangely enough to detail that she doesn’t pay half. All the responses are skewed because of this deliberate omission.

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make.
Well they are all his children aren't they? so for him there is no difference. It is remarkable that such a simple minded man has such a large salary!

He’s not asking OP to pay for his dd, he’s asking her to pay more equally for their shared DDs.

Your husband has messed up here. I can fully understand his wish to treat his three daughters equally and I think if he doesn't do this for his eldest then he runs a real risk of damaging his relationship with her.
However this is on him for foolishly agreeing to an expensive education for his younger two that he can't afford for his eldest. He should have done his sums at the offset factoring in his oldest child and said no to all three if he couldn't cover it for all three.
He's made this even worse by making his DD a promise he can't keep and has now put you in the position of helping him out or being the wicked step mother. Totally unacceptable on his part.
Up to you entirely whether you dig him out of the hole he's got into. You're under no obligation.

I think the issue you will have is that as he is paying a lot more towards your shared dc fees than you are (due to him earning more than you) he can just reduce his share of their fees to be more equal in order to pay 100% of his dd's fees.

It sounds perfectly ok - you’re looking to be mean to the OP with no good reason.

Yes and he wants to pay for all 3 kids equally. He should be commended for that.

Whether she loves her DSD is irrelevant and she didn’t take on her education just because she married her father. What’s best for everyone concerned is to make the distinction between the two couples. As a married couple OP and her DH can afford to send their two daughters to private school. As a divorced ex couple DH and his ex cannot afford the same for their child. DH’s problem is with his ex wife, not the OP.

Exactly. He has three to share his money with. He can cut down what he pays for the shares children and OP can make up the shortfall for them.

If the contributions to the household are made based on income then there should always be an adjustment based on him having another child that isn’t factored into the OPs calculations because it means he has higher costs.

So all bills including your shared children’s private school are paid proportionately based on incomes.

I still think that’s fair.

I think if he was just asking for a extra 2/3k a year that would be one thing but his asking you to top up at least 10k a year for choice his making to increasing overall spending while the other parent isn’t paying a penny is very unfair.

Even if mum paid 5k and he asked you for 5k still much better than him expecting you to lump it all.

Can he afford to pay it all himself? You say he earns more than you, and that you are already shelling out over 40k a year on school fees, and this will obviously rise. Now he wants another 30k worth of school fees to be paid.
Id say this depends massively on how much he can pay without help, and whether you can afford to contribute at all. Presumably he won’t need to pay CMS once SD is living with you . If you pay, would it be possible to express that as a loan to him? So that if you fit, you get credit for it?
I can see that ideally all the DC should be treated equally, it seems pretty unfair for your DC to have do much more than SD. She is his child. However I would expect him to pay it all if he possibly can.

I think his reasoning makes more sense if your savings were all shared or if you are only able to save as he is subsidising your lifestyle more generally.

His problem is with his ex wife though. OP shouldn’t be asked to make up the shortfall if the childs’ own mother is unable or unwilling to do it.

Completely agree with this.

Her parents need to share the costs for their daughter. If her mum is saying she can't afford it and her dad can't afford then he needs to look for cheaper or free education. Even if that means rethinking what he is paying for the younger two in order to make it fair for all three

In normal circumstances it's not your responsibility to pay for the child he has had with someone else.

would his ex chip in for your kids for any reason? No.

Bizarre comment to make. Why on earth would she? She's not their stepmother or involved in anything to do with them.

The op can’t have it both ways. She can’t be happily spending the money he earns on her own kids whilst saying he can’t spend it on his.

It would be inappropriate to pay 50/50 fees considering he earns so much more. Would it not be better for you to mix finances completely then pay for all 3 kids and have equal fun money?

Stick them all in state school. Problem solved.

I’m not looking to be mean at all. I thought I was quite considered. It just didn’t seem a particularly warm way to talk about a child who she’s been a step mum to since the kid was 5yo.