My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

If I could afford it, I would. It shouldn’t be your responsibility OP but she is your DD’s sister. That’s the bit that would make me do it. I’m a step mum and a mum. My DH & I have always had one pot. We still help all our adult DC out, they are very close for that reason I think.

Depends on how you fund your own children's fees. If you split it 50/50 I think it is unfair to ask you to contribute to his daughter's fees when her own mother doesn't put a penny towards it. If he is the one paying all of your shared kids' fees, then it is a lot more blurred.
At the end of the day, there ought to be a compromise. For example, her mother could contribute 5k and you (begrudgingly) cover the other 5.
But either way, accusing you of being selfish is not on.

Exactly this. One ex-colleague is unfortunately funding her stepchildren's holiday and education, unwillingly. Her DH has fathered 3 kids with other women. Guess what, none of them contribute. Her DSC don't even like her. She is working long hours supporting all of them, gone grey very early (I know it is genetic, but stress does have an impact).

OP has to save for her own DC's school fees. Money can be good now, but it is not guaranteed. It is very hard to leave the private system once you start.

Your husband is being ridiculous. He has three children, you have two. Of course there's a distinction to you - she isn't your daughter.

If he wants his eldest to go to the same school as your shared daughters, he needs to fund it (with or without his ex's support).

This is not your burden to shoulder.

How much to you pay towards your biological daughters school fees OP?

You don't have to treat your DSD in the same way you would your own children. But I imagine your DH will feel he should. If one can't go, he may decide to remove his support for the other two. Are you prepared for that?

Can mum afford it and is being difficult or is it unlikely she can find £15k a year?

I don’t think OP is unreasonable.

But the comparison to whether his ex would pay for OP’s children is absurd and irrelevant. That’s a completely different relationship.

DH earns considerably more than me so he pays the larger share although I do contribute

Oh. How much do you contribute?

What does he want you to contribute towards DSD?

Does he, in fact, want you to stump up more towards your own children and it’s just been done in DSDs name?

What are the two wages and what are the two contributions?

What about other household things eg mortgage, effort etc?

Does he think you earn less therefore pay less but in fact you’re paying barely anything?

I think I need to know the (rough) way the incomes are sliced up.

Because now you make it sound like you don’t contribute much at all and he wants you to stump up more for your own daughters?

Your husband has a point, the kids should be treated equally. Sounds like you're loaded so just pay it from your household account.

All 3 should have the same opportunity. If he cant afford to fund eldest then he cant afford to send any in my mind. So if I were you I would help with shortfall to allow all to attend.

(Only if you are paying more than 50% of your dds costs are you contributing to dsd anyway)

He's using emotional blackmail, making you feel guilty when you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Will he recruit his daughter to intensify the guilt trip and put you under further pressure?

why did you marry a man with a child if you didn't want to potentially parent that child, e.g. if her mother died! I think you should pay. You chose her.

Well, ime private schools are just a stupid idea. Spaffing thousands up the wall, when we have perfectly good state schools. My BIL went to a private, prestigious school, he ended up in low paid work and he's not very bright. My kids went to state school, both excelled, both got degrees at Uni and now work in high level professional roles. I'd rather save that money for house deposits!

But to your question, I think it's unfair to treat the girls differently. But in your shoes I also would not want to raid my savings for his child. He should pay.

He doesn't even want OP to pay for his child, he just wants OP to pay equally for their shared children, so that he can pay for his eldest child.

I don't know why OP has framed it as her paying towards his child's school fees, it's completely inaccurate.

"Sorry DH I dont earn enough or have enough in savings to realistically cover this" and if he keeps on - rinse and repeat.

Although surely ex can apply from her end and access a bursary based of her income and your DH's.

The difference is that the stepdaughter is part of two households, so two households should be contributing.

I set aside money to pay for our share of my husband's adult children's weddings. My expectation was that the other half would be paid for my DH's ex. (She had various partners, but never married them.)

When it seemed that the kids weren't actually going to marry their partners, then I gifted it to them. (In one case, I put the money directly into a bank account for the grandchild.)

There is no way that I would have seen myself responsible for paying the full amount.

Does her mother have strong ethical objections to private education, or just don't feel it's something she wants to pay for? I wouldn't want to get in the middle of that, as a stepmother. Although it looks as if you'll be in the middle of something whatever you end up doing...

On the face of it, YANBU.

However, I think it depends how you share your money. If it's household income/ pot, I can understand why he might feel that he should give his older daughter the same opportunities as his younger ones (espeically if she is struggling) and that he thinks it is fair it comes out the family budget. I guess it's a question of whether the money is there.

You pay your share of your DDs fees. I’m sorry but she has her own mother who should pay her share like you do. As long as dad is paying the same for all that’s the main thing.

Op isn’t event shouldering her share of her kids by the sound of things

But in the interests of fairness, all of his daughters should have equal opportunities.

I see, and agree with the principle here but really think it can never be that in practice. In a divided family there are never equal opportunities.

The children from the split family always live with strict limits - limited time for a start which imposes on the organic development of the relationship with the dad (in this case).

You can try with the finances, but it rarely works.

In this case, I think the op should not have to contribute. She already provides a (hopefully nice) home for the step child. The child's mum and dad need to pay and sort. Not great but there we have it.

My eldest isn't my husbands but our joint family finances pay for all 3 of our kids school fees (eldest mine and younger 2 both of ours) - we don't really have my money / his money, but I wouldn't myself feel happy sending my younger 2 to private school and not my eldest especially if she was also unhappy at her school, so while it's not really your responsibility it's not surprising your husband will feel guilty if 2 of his kids are getting a lot better opportunity than the other.

Do you pay for all of your kids school fees or does he pay half/ a share? Because if he has been paying for half from a young age it may actually be fair to pay less for them and more of the eldest child's school fees as he hasn't paid when she was younger and it sounds like she would benefit from moving school, and if he has been paying half of the younger 2 fees maybe the eldest has been getting less financial support from their dad than the others until this point.

You are under no obligation to pay anything towards someone elses fees though - I guess another consideration would be if you think the mum really can't afford it or is she just hoping you would pay as that would make a difference.

This post sums it up perfectly!

Of course they all need to be treated fairly - each parent should contribute half of the school fees, so OP pays two halves for her DCs, DH pays three halves for his DCs and ex pays one half for her DC. That’s being treated fairly.
OP, he’s a cheeky sod!

He should have been treating his children equally from the start.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. But I do think he should reevaluate his own finances to take into account education for all 3 children. As you say, he earns more so he currently contributes more. However , that may mean his contribution to the household drops and yours has to increase potentially to a more equal split.