My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Not in a million years would I consider paying for DSD in these circumstances. She has a mother and the school fees are her parents‘ responsibility. Do not let your husband grind you down. Especially seeing that you do not know what his savings are. Imagine paying for his DD and then he leaves you high and dry for some other woman and all your savings are gone, your DSD swans off with her little trust fund and you and the girls (fresh out of a public school into the cauldron of state schools) with zero reserves in the tank. I don’t trust most men as far as I can throw them.

If your husband wants this for his DD then tell him to press her mother and wider family - not you.

Why isn't he asking mum's partner to stump up 10k if he thinks that's a stepparent's duty?

This.

@CheeseSheep ‘And no, it doesn’t have to be the same school in theory. DH is the one who feels quite strongly about her going to this particular one, partly because the girls are already there. We could look at other schools, including more affordable ones, but I don’t think moving the younger two just to make the fees work is necessarily the answer either.’

Surely it is the place of the girl’s own parents to look at, and pay any school fees. I presume the ex is not choosing schools or paying for your daughters.

You married a man with a child, that child is now yours too. You should care enough about her to want to get her the best education, regardless of what her bio-mum is paying in. Treating the kids differently in this regard is abhorrent. You knew she existed when you chose him. Step up.

I wouldnt say hes manipulative generally no, not like hes constantly controlling me or anything, but he does have a bit of a my way or no way attitude and hes being really unfair about this

He called me selfish because i wont pay and honestly i dont think thats fair at all. He told DSD we were looking at her moving to the school before we had even worked out how it was going to be paid for, which has basically made me look like the horrible one stopping it happening

And im not saying his ex is selfish either. She didnt want private school before and now shes said she wont pay for it, thats between her and DH really.

Im trying not to get dragged into it but its hard when hes calling me selfish and making it sound like i dont care about DSD. I do care about her, obviously i do, but i dont want to agree to paying thousands every year just because he told her it might happen before speaking to me properly.

Yes exactly this. DH is working out how he can treat his daughters fairly. To do this he needs OP to contribute her half of her daughter's fees. If this isn't possible he needs to rethink if he can continue to support his youngest at private school in good conscience.

He's unreasonable to blame OP for not seeing his eldest daughter in the same way as her own daughters though - that's his job. But OP should understand that he does need to do that, and that might impact his youngest DDs

@Iloveshihtzus, you have clearly misread my post.

The OP will pay her half of the fees for each of the two children that she shares with her DH. She will contribute nothing for her DSD.

Her DH will still spend less in total on privately education his oldest daughter (OP's DSD), than he will pay on privately educating each of his younger daughters.

YANBU to say no.

They need to shop around for a school they can jointly afford.

If the boot were on the other foot, the ex wife would laugh for weeks at the chutzpah of her ex H, and so should you.

So what will happen then if he says to you that he won't pay for your shared children's fees?

They’ll have to go to state school.

Is that something @CheeseSheep will be happy with? She is the one who was keen for private school (knowing she couldn't fund it herself). Her husband could now just step back and say actually he will support his eldest in finding a new state school, but it's made him realise how unfair it is and that as others say primary school children don't need to go to private school so he no longer agrees to paying for it and therefore if @CheeseSheep wants the kids to go there she will need to fund it herself.

Your DH earns £15k a month AFTER tax and can’t afford to pay for DSD fees?! What’s the money going on?! Even if he paid £30k for all three girls, he’d still have £7k left over a month!!!

Personally I wouldn't pay, it's a matter for her parents. Children should be treated fairly and equally as far as possible but this isn't always possible. Dad is treating his children the same, but his children have different mothers (with different incomes) and this makes the difference.

Hmm. If op was more in line with DSD’s mother, she would be paying zero towards even her own daughters’ school fees. Never mind taking responsibility for the school fees of a child who already has two parents. Yet op is paying proportionately from her earnings, and is expected to pony up as if she was the youngster’s mother.

All the while getting accused of not caring, while actual mother still on zilch contribution, and happily digging heels in.

I cannot imagine what your outgoings must be to earn 250k after tax and only have 18k in savings! Assume you're funnelling it all into a pension or something.

I think you’ve misunderstood me. I wasn’t the one pushing for private school in the first place. I didn’t grow up particularly well off and went to state school myself, so it wasn’t something I was especially bothered about or had always planned for my own children.

DH was privately educated and was much keener on the girls going private. We discussed it together and I agreed that it was something we could afford as a family, with the fees split according to our incomes. I’m not pretending I had no say in it, obviously I agreed to it, but it wasn’t me insisting on private education and expecting him to fund my choice.

I don’t think it’s fair to suggest I somehow pushed him into this. It was a joint decision, largely driven by his preference.

If you rely on other people to fund your lifestyle, you’re always going to be subject to their decisions right?

This is him telling you he can no longer afford to sub you the way he has been doing to date. To me, it’s the one decent decision he’s made.

Yeah, I agree. The dad absolutely should pay. Nothing to do with the unrelated woman.

Ah okay, I can't comment on anything to do with maintenance - I didn't read any updates from the OP - I don't like drip feeds and just wanted to address the original question. I agree with you in that case, the older child shouldn't suffer but once a man has children with a new woman, he needs to be mindful of ensuring he doesn't spread himself too thinly because his loyalty is now to his new partner (but still all of his children) - he shouldn't be asking his new partner to pay for his ex's responsibilities. That isn't loyalty. Doesn't sound like there are any real world issues here though. They're earning enough, it's just superficial stuff really.

If you can't afford ~£70k now (£19k+£22k+£31k) , how are you going to afford to send two kids through at almost as much, it would be a minimum of £62k+ because fees will increase probably to similar amounts....

They're spending £31k+ on sending their kids to school...

£60k is not a large income. Yes you have savings, but why should you be expected to pay 16% of your salary on his child’s education? Your DH is ridiculous

The ex not caring about private school and you being asked to contribute are red herrings. What he really should be saying is that he needs you to contribute more to your own DDs so that he has more money to pay for his DD. You shouldn’t be asked to contribute but DH needs to make it equal so that if your two have got private schooling from age 4 or whatever, then he owes xx amount to DSD. Another poster calculated this as £75k to date

Then that money can be used to pay in full her fewer remaining years.

He has a very high post tax income and making things equal amongst his children should be a priority.

How would you feel if he decides to reduce his contribution to your joint children's fees so he can pay fees for his eldest. You could make up the difference so rather than pay for his eldest you are paying more of a contribution to your own.

If the mum was never considering private then am I correct that he raised it & pushing for it after her being in mainstream education this whole time?

I imagine the mum has already built their family and home around their means or does everyone on MN just assume everyone has spare thousands every month 🧐

I’m a single parent and if their dad threw this at me I couldn’t afford it and even if I did why should I pay for something that is only an issue because of his privileged life choices 😵‍💫

You have a husband problem, there are so many 🚩 throughout this, he is gaslighting, displaying inappropriate emotional & financial behaviours towards his ex, dsd and you.
if you can’t see that then I suggest you look at the freedom program.

Agree with you completely just because you have a good relationship no problems so to speak it is her mums and dads responsibility to fund the school not yours.
He isselfish expecting you to pay and not his ex partner.
He had no right discussing this with his ex telling his daughter before talking to you or better still knowing this is on him to find definitely not you x