My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Yes, but the mother isn't bothered. The father is bothered because the OP's dc are getting it, creating a lack of parity across his three dc.

This is the tangled web of blending: your own family decisions bleed into the lives of existing dc.

If the OP were wearing the brunt of her dc's education and the Ex was saying OP has to pay for mine, that would be different. Quite different. But the Ex isn't saying she wants her dc privately educated, and the OP isn't paying even half for her own.

Sorry I don't want to go off topic here. But you and OP are wrong about the CMS. DH earnings are huge. CMS is capped and the mother could take DH to court for a "top up order". Let's not pretend that he cant afford 1k in CMS given his salary its actually P* poor. Maybe OP didn't mean it for it to sound like that.

Theres lots of interesting views here.

exactly this

It doesn't sound like the ex is that bothered about her going to private school, she just said she was open to it as long as the DH paid. This school was the Ops DH's idea.

Not everyone thinks that their children would be better off at a private school especially if they can't really afford it. She probably thinks if her x thinks she should go he can pay. OPs dh could just reduce his contributions to his other children given he currently pays 75 percent.

This stinks of ‘new family = more important’ which will come back to haunt you in one way or another.

Not at all. It’s more the case that the bio parents of each child should pay for school fees. The DH has a responsibility to all 3 children, because they’re his, but the OP only has a responsibility for her 2. The ex, it appears, seems to have no responsibility for any of them …

The annual fees for both girls currently come to £41,220. We split those 75/25 based on our incomes, so DH pays approximately £30,915 and I pay £10,305 a year.

What your DH could do is suggest you each pay equally for your shared DDs. He pays £20,610 a year for his half of the fees and you also pay £20,610 a year for your half of the fees. All other school costs should be shared and he needs to contribute equally to these.

He can then pay the full £31,500 for DSD.

Your DH will still pay more in total fees for educating each of your shared children privately than he will pay in total fees for your DSD's private education. Your DSD will already be 13 when she starts private education with just a few yeas left while your shared DDs (aged 5 and 7) were educated privately from the start and have many years remaining in private education.

Well we know the childs own mother had no say in her child's father deciding to pop out two further children and then send them to private school.

The ex certainly doesn't have any responsibility to pay for her child to go to private school because her ex husband decides he wants to send her.

Please READ THE OP before commenting - the mother of DSD does not believe in private education, therefore chose not to send her DD to a private school. But the DD is now unhappy at school so the change has been sought and suddenly it is OK for her DD to go - just it seems not for her to pay towards it, nor her partner (yes she also has one) but according to all the women on here, who cannot even bother to read the complete answers of the OP before replying, it is perfectly acceptable to expect the OP to fund this move.

Why should a woman who is married to a man who earns 3 times her salary pay half the school fees for all of his children - while his ex pays nothing for her child.

Are you all bitter ex wives on here or do you have no understanding of economics?

OP doesn't need to fund it though. She can just pay more for her own children.

YABU to treat dsd differently imo and will drive a wedge between you and DH.

Assuming fees are roughly 22k each then

• DH pays half for each child (£33k)

-ex pays half for her child

• op pays half for each of her children.

But then DSd is only going for a few years so it would be fair if DH paid her full costs for that time .

She isn't even being asked to pay half the school fees for her own children let alone all three.

The poster you quoted did not suggest that the OP pay half for all of his children. She suggested he pay the full amount for his eldest.

You don’t owe him or her to pay them but it would be an incredibly generous and magnanimous gesture to do it. If I could afford it I would. But he still shouldn’t have asked you!

This is a good idea.

So your husband earns around £180k after tax and spends around £80k pa on 2 of his children's education, his share of the bills, mortgage etc and his CMS payments. So he has £100k leftover per year and can't afford to pay the £10k for his dd to also go to the same private school? Even if I've under estimated the amount he has left over and it's closer to £80k pa, that's still a huge amount and more than most households earn before they've even paid tax, bills, etc.
Sounds like he just wants you to pay a share instead of putting his hand into his already bulging with cash pockets. I'd tell him to get fucked personally.

I do agree with this, although I see your point OP.

Your husband has three children he wants to send to private school. You have too. If he now chooses to split “his” private school budget between three children instead of two, then I agree that as a household you need to find a way to find the shortfall.

This could really end up causing a lot of resentment in your relationship, from both sides, if not handled carefully.

is your husband manipulative in other ways? The way he has gone about this is strange, telling the daughter, saying you're selfish, not saying his ex is the selfish one.......the whole thing is weird. I would hold steady and be really unemotional about it. Just say no and don't be manipulated into considering you're a bad person or should do anything other than what you're doing.

Not your responsibility. If your DH wants to send her to a public school he needs to pay for it. All of it.

She's open to her going after her ex suggested it, that doesn't mean she's pushing for her to go, that she suggested that she go, or that she had any expectations that the DH would offer to send her, just that her ex suggested it and she said she was open to it but wasn't able to or willing to pay towards it...and somehow people on here are making out she's a cheeky fucker.

I have no interest in private school, but if my ex had said he wanted to send them to private school and I said I wouldn't be able to pay towards it and he said he'd send them anyway that wouldn't make me cheeky for accepting, are mothers meant to say no i'll have to refuse that offer because I can't pay towards it. The ex probably doesn't have a clue he's telling the OP he wants her to pay more.

He can’t afford to send 3 kids to private school so your 2 children should go to state school too OP. That’s fair.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong here at all - you don’t even really earn enough to contribute without it being a major hit to you. It would be one thing if your SD’s mum was also contributing and you were asked to provide a minimal amount but this is taking the piss. I think your DH also wanting to send her to private school makes sense but not every private school costs 20k pa. Maybe he can find a cheaper but still lovely school he can afford comfortably on her own to send her to.