My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

So you don’t think DH had anything to do with wanting his DC to go to private school the ? This was all on OP ? She earns a third of what he does and pays proportionately. His child from a former marriage is not OP’s responsibility - especially when the child’s’ own mother is refusing to pay.

You forgot one - He can move all 3 of his children into state education

Exactly. If ex is responsible for half DSD school fees then surely op should be responsible for half the fees for each of her children?

resenting him still spending money on that child.

Exactly, And he's only trying to give her what OP's already have - and for a shorter duration.

Existing child's standard of living isn't diminished. OP isn't taking anything away. That child can continue in state schools. The father and mother are the only ones who need to be discussing finances and plans for the child.

If the father were widowed, that would completely change things for me because I'd be adopting that child and they would, as far as they wanted, just be my child.

CMS aren’t interested in private school fees. There’s nothing unfair about the maintenance arrangement - he pays more than CMS would ask. The child also has a whopping savings fund - do the other two children have the same ?

What do you mean throw it back to her? She's not the one who wanted them to go in the first place and isn't pushing for them to go.

He has phrased it poorly in that he should have said "I am going to need you to contribute something a little closer to 50 percent for our shared children's fees.

The suggestion that he pays 75 percent of theirs and she pays something toward the DD1 has got people confused that he is asking her to pay for that child,

He isn't. He's asking her to pay closer to her fair share of her own children's fees so he can do the right thing for his other DD.

Forget the idea you are paying for her op: you are just paying more than 25 percent for your own. His finances have changed.

YANBU to see them differently - of course he sees them all the same, they are all his aren’t they? They are not all yours and he’s very naive if he thinks you shouldn’t distinguish your feelings from yours to not yours. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about her; but you don’t see her as your responsibility because she isn’t.

Still… if you were paying half of your DDs fees, that would be about the same as what you pay now plus what he’s asking you to pay for his DD. Is there nothing DSD’s mum could contribute? £5k? Then you could maybe up your contribution to your own DDs by £5k?

I’m not entirely sure where all of his money is going though, if he gets £180k after tax. So why can’t he cover it?

eta: if you had DSD 50/50, your DH wouldn’t have to pay maintenance anymore so could he cover it then? Would it be acceptable to all involved if she moved in 50/50?

OP is only paying 25% of her own child’s fees. We know nothing of his exes finances

It does sound awful. He should stop paying for your daughters or reduce what he's paying for your daughters.

If my dad started paying for private school for younger siblings I would fully expect him to also cough up for mine

The point about standard of living not diminishing was in reference to op seemingly begrudge the payments towards maintenance and school trips. If your dad is earning £240k you would definitely expect to be going on school trips.

I don’t think that’s where OP’s resentment comes from. It’s the fact that she’s being asked to pay because the childs’ own mother won’t.

Is there a chance that he’ll end up paying 100% for his daughter and then less for your shared children? If that happens, you’ll have to subsidy your own daughters so it might work out the same anyway.

Tricky.

Op pays around 10k of the fees, she also pays another 4-5k herself for their lunches, uniforms, extra curriculars and trips.
He wants her to pay another 10k, possibly the other 2.5k aswell

So she'd be more than covering 50%.
And also paying nearly half her income on school fees. She only has 18k savings so this would be decimated in no time.

Meanwhile he gets to keep his savings...

You think it’s fair that they pay 50/50 when he earns three times what OP does ?

Exactly this. A lot of posters are only seeing what they want to see.

Exactly, a girl you've known since 5, is nice enough.

Ive been that kid - horrible.

She cant afford it. This woman can. This is for the girl shes known since 5. Nobody forced the op to have two more kids with a man who already has one.

God, poor girl.

Tbh by the time you include the meals, uniform and trips your split is actually 33% to you and 66% to your husband

OP, regardless of how this school fee situarion gets resolved, I do hope that you can address the mismatch in your respective savings.
I find it staggering that you 'only' have 18k with 240k household take home. Unless you have other joint savings which you haven't mentioned, of course.

The mum says she can’t afford it. She’s also against private schools so we only have her word for that.

What is can't understand is why his ex doesn't beleive she should contribute anything? I assume she works and has an income. I think your dh is unreasonable expecting you to contribute when her real mum won't. With a net income of 240k, your family probably are in a position to pay the fees but if your savings are used I think it would be reasonable to demand a commitment that the amount will be returned to you.

I wouldn't use your savings (their are yours/historical) but if you can contribute a bit more from your salary that might work.

Did you say she was in year 9? So if she moved in January it would be 2 years and 2 terms of costs, at least. Can she go to a non fee paying college? If so its a limited number of years to pay. Could you offer a smaller amount like £250 a month? I don't think you should use your savings. If DH starts paying the fees can he reduce the child maintenance amount since his ex isn't contributing?