My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

It's funny that her mother "didn't believe" in private education but suddenly is willing after all now there is the prospect of all the costs being covered by dad and stepmum. How convenient!

The daughter is having problems in school and has asked to move. The DH is the one who wants her to go to this school. Also the mother may not know he's asking the OP to pay more.

I'm annoyed that he's calling OP "selfish" for not offering up her savings to fund his eldest daughter. Why isn't he calling her actual mother selfish for not contributing? Why isn't he asking mum's partner to stump up 10k if he thinks that's a stepparent's duty?

I'm annoyed that some people on here are slating the mother even though she hasn't done anything wrong. The dad is the one pushing this idea.

@KindlySurfiingPlatypus that's what I would like to know too. Can DH actually afford to pay for all 3 DDs.

I think you both need to stop seeing things as your money and his and see it as whether you as a household can afford all the fees from your combined income and not savings from either of you as that’s not sustainable. I’d be looking at reducing (potentially to zero as part of DSDs mums “contribution”) child maintenance as a part of that as well as factoring in all of the DC’s trips and school uniform etc. he definitely doesn’t get to unilaterally coopt your savings into the mix though. It could also only be 3 years for DSD if she went elsewhere for 6th form.

That’s interesting, and patently unfair, as what it costs to look after this particular child in this particular family, given private school at £30k a year for her siblings - 1250 a month doesn’t even touch the sides.

YANBU. Stick to your guns OP. He doesn’t distinguish between the 3 children because he doesn’t have to. They are all his children.

His and ex wife’s child - school fees their responsibility.

Op earns 60k
Her DH earns 180k

So that's 4 x 60, OP pays 25% of the fees, he pays 75%, which is the correct proportion for their income.

But then OP pays another £4-5k extra per year for their lunches and trips etc.

Exactly this. Your DH is bang out of order for pressuring you and for telling his DD (if he did this).

No way would I be doing this for five years while he own mother contributed zero. Tell him he needs to speak to her mother, not you.

On balance this.

But it would have been better if the finances etc had been sorted before DSD was told/involved. But she knows and it now adds to the situation.

Ideally DSD’s mum should be going halves on this - but isn’t. So what about her and the OP paying £5k each?

Now OP has confirmed that the income was after tax, it's clear that the family are living a pretty luxurious lifestyle.

They have £240K annual income after tax.
They are currently paying £40K on school fees and DH pays £15K maintenance.

That still leaves an awful lot of money. I'm finding it quite hard to believe there isn't economies that could be made to make paying a 3rd set of fees doable.
Of course, that might mean the family having to give up some things in the short term, but maybe that is more palatable.

YABU to think it’s ok for his three children to have a different standard of education and life opportunities. It’s not a case of you paying for his child - surely he just needs to recalculate how much he pays towards your joint two children’s fees, so that he can also pay 100% of his other daughter’s fees (since her Mum isn’t he one who wants her to go - then it’s fine that she doesn’t pay). You’ve deliberately framed it as you physically paying over money to pay for your DSD, but actually, this is about one Dad paying for all 3 of his children to go to the same school - which he could afford to do if you went halves on the fees for your two children instead of 75/25.
Your life is heavily subsidised by your husband. Paying for all of your bills, mortgage, school fees etc. at 25/75 is a huge benefit to you. How can you accept that subsidy but begrudge his child the same schooling as yours?
The sensible thing is to actually live as a family, pool your finances and treat the three children the same. But at the very least, of course you should both re-jig finances so that she can attend the same school, if that’s what he wants. Otherwise, be prepared for him to turn around and say, fine, but I’m not paying 75% of the other two children’s fees. If he wants to be able to look his other daughter in the eye then the only fair solution is that they all go or none go.

I would say that the best way of sorting this is to sit down together. Rather than saying "No I don't want to" or "No i can't afford it". Instead say "why don't we sit down and go over finances together and see what wiggle room we have".

He probably doesn't realise how much extra you pay for their schooling on top of the fees. Start by working out how much money you need for her to go. Fees + meals + uniform + extra curriculars. All there in black and white. I'm guessing that will make it more £35K-£40K.

You need to work out how to afford that from your salaries. Not savings. £40K a year is too much to need to fund it from savings.

You earn 60K, show him £X out into joint account for bills/mortgage etc. The £10K school fees, £5K extra. How much is left? Write a list of what needs to come out of that. Holidays, gifts, clothing, haircuts, fun money etc. Show there isn't anything left. Have him quite all his down. How much is left? What on that is he willing to cut to find £40K to pay for this. No holidays? Hand car back in and get a cheaper one? Give up memberships/subscriptions? Get him to come up with ideas.

I've read all of your additional comments. Your DSD will have savings at 18 partly funded by generous pil who are now deceased so your children won't benefit in the same way. I think you need to keep your modest savings separate. Your DH sounds generous in providing for his eldest DD. Personally I'd be telling DH it's up to him and his exw where their DC goes to school but if the girls own mother refuses to contribute there is no way you will be. If DSD complains it's your fault she can't go to same school as siblings just tell her it's her Mum's responsibility not yours to pay towards school fees. In any case your savings would not cover the shortfall for even 2 years of school fees if your DH wants you to pay £10k a year and you only have 18k. DSD should never have been told she can move unless funds are available. Who told her?

When you decided to send your own children to private school, was there any discussion about the schooling of DSD? It seems strange that there would have been no discussion about it at all at the time. Why was she not privately educated? Feels like there may be some missing context.

I can’t understand why a father would choose to privately educate his younger children but not his eldest child. It’s not DSDs mother’s fault if she genuinely can’t afford it, nor it is DSDs. For me, it would be all 3 receive the benefit of private education or none at all. Presumably DSD feels shit about the unequal treatment.

Would you feel differently if DSD was in private education when you met your husband, and when you had your own children he said he wouldn’t be able to afford private education for them as well- would you have stumped up more for your own children?

You’re ultimately one family irrespective of how you choose to divide your finances. I couldn’t imagine a world where I’d see my step children treated differently to my biological children- I have 2 biological children and 3 step children.

At the moment he is actually paying 75 percent x 2. OP is only paying 25 percent x 2 and the DD1 is getting nothing in fees paid.

The DH's cost structure for the younger two is both weighted in their favour and in OP's favour.

I wish we could pin your post. I love it! Very frank and I 100% agree BUT theres a STARK difference is that you know what you want. OP did unfortunately marry a man who already had a child. Unfortunately this is what you are going to get with blended families.

That's partly why I stuck to 1 DC also!

Well that's fine.

In that case the way he deals with it is to say he is reducing his contribution to OP's dc fees to so/so him and the OP so he can afford to give all three the same. Or he takes them all out of private school.

OP would be better off accepting his offer, which still sees her paying less than 50 percent of her own DDs' fees.

How is she supposed to do that? She only has 18k savings, so it would run out fairly quickly.

@CheeseSheep as a starting point I think you need to rethink how much you are contributing towards your own Dads education. Because if you are solely responsible for lunches, uniform and extras then based on their current annual fees you are paying much closer to half than a quarter.

Your DH sounds very manipulative. Calling you selfish for not wanting to pay towards a decision you have no part of? I can’t believe he is not aware that you are paying much more than a quarter of your DDs school costs. And he is happy to allow that. He is coming across like someone who puts himself first.

He has several options here. He can pay himself. He can look at another school. He can investigate bursaries. He can use some of the money that has been put away for DSDs future. He can talk to his ex again about what she can contribute or dropping his maintenance to cms levels to make up her contribution to the fees.

But instead all he is doing is trying to manipulate you into covering the cost. If you do this, about half your income is going to school costs. Can he say the same?

I agree with not blending and it resulting in shafting, but there is no way OP is getting shafted here. Even his proposal - if she agreed - doesn't move her to shouldering half of her own dc's fees - and for years she has only had to contribute 25 percent.

You don't marry someone wealthier than you so you can shaft his existing DC while paying 25 percent of your own dc's costs.

ETA extraordinary that you see her as being shafted.

The school fees are the responsibility of your DH and his ex. It's not your responsibility.

So is she responsible for 50 percent of her own dc's? Because that might be what she now needs to pay.

His offer works out in her favour over shouldering her share of her own children's educations.

I think what's grim is op starting a family with a man who already has a child and then resenting him still spending money on that child.

This child came along first. Op started a relationship knowing there was already a child and should have swiftly determined that if she started a family with this man then they should ensure the existing child's standard of living wasn't diminished and that all 3 would be treated equally.

Then I guess none of them go.

Absolutely not. Your other children only benefit from the income of two parents, not three. Your partner needs to speak to his daughter's mother again and if they can't afford it together, then either he pays or he gives up on the idea of private school. She can move schools without going to private school.

How fucking cheeky to ask you to pay for another woman's child - has he not considered how that makes you feel? Bad enough you have to share him forever with another woman due to his existing children, but asking you to cover her financial responsibilities? Not a chance.

You could potentially offer to loan the money to his ex. Ask for a claim to her house or for a guarantor until it's repaid. Set your interest rate and get everything in writing. Throw the ball back to her.

In my very honest and humble opinion, I don’t think single childfree women should settle for a man who comes with baggage, like OP has. It’s a nightmare all around.

I do think people with children are better suited to someone who also has children because each party will understand, but people like OP will never understand. She will never love her step children as much as her own biological children. Why should she?