My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I tend to take the bits of information that the op only drip feeds once they are being told they are being unreasonable with a huge pinch of salt

Imagine earning £180k and having your new wife say your first child can’t go to private school even though her kids can because you have to keep paying the vast majority of household bills so that she doesn’t have to dip in to her savings for her own kids.

In our family step are treat exactly the same that's what a good blended family is and does

Even then, OP's husband is asking her to double her contribution and pay significantly more for his eldest than she does for her two.

Just because their DF wants his DC to go to private school that's not the real focus of this problem Op. His oldest DD has been unhappy in her school, not because it's not private but because she's having social problems- she doesn't desperately want to go to school with her younger sisters, she just wants a fresh start, that could be another state school. Quite honestly if it was a £1000 a year I'd go for it but £10,000 is too much just because your DSD isn't happy at her present school

At the end of the day - he can not afford to put his 3 children through private school - for your joint daughters - his contribution should be less than current and you need to up yours.

If you can not contribtuee to your daighters fees to make up the difference for them not the step daughter then yours can not go either. It is patently unfair, that hepays for your 2, you contibute less than your fair share and his other daughter gets nothing

Imagine earning £180k, having savings of your own but expecting your wife to decimate her savings of £18k because you wouldn't use your own.

The bottom line is that Op and her DH just don’t have the income between them to sustain three sets of school fees.

If the Op did say ok I will pay £10k per annum from my savings, that lasts less than 2 years coverage. So what is the plan for the three years after that?

I would also query whether the school fees calculations take into account all the trimmings mentioned - are you otherwise looking at 15k shortfall per annum?

If you’ve ‘only’ got 18k, that will run out pretty quickly - what happens to paying DSD’s school fees when your savings have gone?

He pays £1,250 a month in maintenance. It isn’t through CMS, it’s an amount they agreed between themselves and it’s more than CMS would expect based on how much she’s here etc. He also pays for things directly for DSD when needed, clothes, school things, days out etc, so it’s not just the maintenance and nothing else.

He also gives her monthly pocket money and pays for her school trips in full, not half with her mum. She can afford to pay for them but recently said no to a residential and told DSD to “ask her dad”, so DH paid for it. I know people will say that’s a lot or not a lot depending on their circumstances, but that’s what he pays.

Not your problem. YANBU

Yanbu. Each child has 2 parents. A child who has two parents who are willing and able to pay for private school can go. If a child has one parent willing to pay and one not then they can only go if the 1 willing parent can manage in full. There's no problem with DSD going to the school if her dad can pay 100% in full. If he can't or won't then it's not an option for her. He's quite correct that he shouldn't treat his 3 children differently but his fee responsibility for his two younger daughters is £9500-£11000pa each so it's not "treating her differently" to say he can't manage 3 times that amount for the eldest, if indeed he can't. But if he can't manage £31,500pa for her now, how's he going to manage in a few years time when both the younger DDs are in senior school (by which time the eldest will have left school)?

You definitely should not be contributing to DSD's fees. Could she be eligible for a bursary if he genuinely couldn't stretch to the full amount? Or could he actually manage it he's just hoarding his wealth?

Does ex wife still expect child maintenance on tomorrow private school fees.....or could DH use the child maintenance as fees instead?

But not new wife's problem.

That all sounds like the bare minimum I would expect him to do on his salary. He had her first, she didn't and doesn't deserve a reduced lifestyle just because he chose start a second family

I am curious what you would expect him to pay if he split up with you tomorrow? His share of school fees plus child maintenance as a minimum I expect?

Has the maintainence been considered in the school calculations? I assume mum would pay some to dad if daughter comes to live with you

Tbf DH DD didnt want to attend private school at that particular time or it wasn't a need.

I think what needs to be looked at is can DH look at other schools for DD? Why cant her mum contribute 1 single penny? If that's the case DD needs to perhaps seek another route because most people dont just put their DC in private schools because its a tough stage... what a privilege!

Also OP DDs fees will increase. So can DH afford to pay 3 DC to private school? Its not for OP to pay for DSD her own mum doesnt want to fund it or contribute so it doesn't make sense for OP to do it either.

That is a tiny amount of maintenance given his salary. Is that even legal to pay such a small amount when you earn so much?

This girl already has two seemingly perfectly good parents, they're the ones that should make this decision alone.
But also:

●Is the mother not willing to contribute because she can't afford it or because she doesn't want to?
Are there other perfectly good schools in the area? Maybe they should start looking into that instead of choosing the expensive option straight away.
Another option would be father doesn't pay maintenance and covers school full cost instead.

●Does the mother have a partner? If so is he willing to contribute to the child's education? If not why is he different to you? if yes maybe the both of you should give the same amount.
Also are there grandparents who could contribute?

●I think if you jointly pay you'll be expected to do it for the rest of her education and that can backfire in the future. Also you wouldn't have a say in decision making because you're not a parent so that's something to think about too.
But you've been in this girl's life for a long time you so I think you should offer a contribution, like an aunty. Say a one off gift of a couple of thousands.

Fairness would actually be him offering to pay the same for his dd as he does the ones he shares with op and the mother topping up the rest. She doesn’t want to however. But that’s fair.

Did you miss the bit about OP selling her own property and sinking it into their joint home. Or the fact that both OP and DH have their own savings ?

I do get that he has three children and should treat them equally but he hasn't really thought this through. You only have two children.

It's funny that her mother "didn't believe" in private education but suddenly is willing after all now there is the prospect of all the costs being covered by dad and stepmum. How convenient!

I'm annoyed that he's calling OP "selfish" for not offering up her savings to fund his eldest daughter. Why isn't he calling her actual mother selfish for not contributing? Why isn't he asking mum's partner to stump up 10k if he thinks that's a stepparent's duty?

It also makes no sense that he thinks OP should be making up the difference for stepdaughter from her 18k savings at 10k per year. Those savings won't even last 2 years! What's he going to do then?

OP is getting a hard time for "benefitting" from her husband paying disproportionately more for their joint kids fees. But he earns more than double what she does. He pays 75% of the fees, around 30k. She pays 25% (10k) plus also 5k on the other school expenses. So she's actually paying half what he does which is in line with their proportionate income.

If he wants to make it work he needs to come up with a more logical solution than emptying OP's piggybank when she's already paying enough. Even if that means taking the younger two out of private school. (Not the point of the thread but that's an eye watering amount of money every year!)

She said earlier the income is after tax, while she pays 25%, she also picks up the extras - uniform, school meals, trips etc which comes to a few thousand/year
Which come no where to the difference between 25% and33%

Both parties with parental responsibility will have to sign a contract for her place at the school, if anyone else is paying the school fees in any part the school will want a contract with that person too. Does the school go up to age 18? If so that contract will cover her until she leaves or a terms notice is given. If you are not asked to sign such a contract that means the child's parents are taking full responsibility for paying her fees. Something for you and DH to be aware of with this plan. I.e if his ex signs the contract with him she is taking on some of that liability.

YANBU this is big money stuff and it will put a strain on your relationship if it wasn't something you suggested or offered.

This seems fair.

It’s about the same as he would pay through CMS - maybe slightly more. Maintenance doesn’t just look at earnings, it takes into account what the contact split is, and whether the NRP has children of their own. And it’s capped - because it’s not about what he earns, but what it costs to look after a child.