My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Exactly!

Agree. They can pull the little ones out of the private primary and then ops DH can afford to fairly fund all 3 children through private secondary

Although it's worrying you have sent the children to private school with fairly meagre savings of your own and no idea what savings your husband has @CheeseSheep . What's the plan if he loses his job or you split up?

Also to put it into further context, OP said she makes 60K a year. Assuming that her gross salary, that means about £45K take home pay. £10K a year is 22% of her annual net pay. I'd personally struggle with that request, especially if I hadn't been consulted before the decision was made.
Edited to add: OP also said she pays £10K for her two daughters. Paying for a third with a similar ratio would mean £5K not 10. Why is her H expecting her to contribute twice as much for his DD than she does for her own DCs? None of that makes sense.

He earns 180k and u earn ,60k..
My goodness. That's ridiculous he's expecting you to sub his kids school fees.

I don't think you are a bad step mum, it sounds like you do care for your SD and have a good relationship with her, but I think you are taking your OH for granted financially.

I earn around £60k and DH’s income is roughly £180k, although his is through the business so it can vary slightly year to year. The annual fees for both girls currently come to £41,220. We split those 75/25 based on our incomes, so DH pays approximately £30,915 and I pay £10,305 a year

He is earning three times more more is contributing 75% of the fees. Surely it's fair you should contribute 33% not 25%. And then you think you should have savings for you because you accumulated it before your wedding?

I bet he came with quite a bit of money too. Does he have it saved? Or did he put it all in the joint property that you get to enjoy?

Read on.

He pays 75 percent of the OP's DC's fees.

She only pays 25 percent of their shard DC fees.

So your assumption isn't really on the money (ha ha!)

OP, reading your updates, it sounds like your children get so much more from your husband (on top of benefitting from living in a full home) they get three quarters of school fees paid. Which comes to a lot of money per year. I assume your husband is not just putting the same amount into his elder childs savings account. So basically your children get way more from their father compared to half sibling. So perhaps you can take on a larger share of your daughters feed for a few years to free up the money for your husband to be able to pay for his first child.

The figures were net income

All that is irrelevant. This man has three children and he needs to treat them fairly. That means he funds private school for all three of for none

She said earlier the income is after tax, while she pays 25%, she also picks up the extras - uniform, school meals, trips etc which comes to a few thousand/year

I honestly don't think it's that he CAN'T afford it. Like he is putting in every spare penny he has and has come up 30k short for the 3 years left of her education. So has no choice but to ask you to contribute the shortfall.

He doesn't WANT to. He thinks you should contribute. That he shouldn't have to pay it all himself and he just wants your money.

You have so much less than him. And you will still have so much less than him if he pays all the school fees.

Interesting point about the huge savings account for your DSD. If your DH is keen that all children are treated equally, then this savings account for one child is actually creating an imbalance.

I think it is unfair of your DH to expect you to contribute toward the fees. You and your DH made the decision to put your 2 girls into a private school and made that decision together as their parents. Your DSD has 2 parents, one of whom is not willing to pay for private education, so why should that fall to you if her own mother is refusing to pay. Maybe DH should pay less into the savings so he can afford the school fees?

He can't do that without consulting his current spouse- that's where he went wrong. And treating the DCs fairly doesn't mean penalising his younger DDs either. There are surely other solutions he can look at for his eldest, but it sounds like he's set his sights on an unrealistic scenario which he can't realise by himself. He needs to go back to the drawing board and consult everyone involved properly - as well as make a realistic plan.

If he wants his daughter to go to a private school then thats 50k (or whatever) p/a coming out of your family pot, whether you pay it or he does. He'll have to save money elsewhere if you're not contributing, maybe by asking you to pay more towards your joint kids fees? I don't think you can dictate what he spends his money on especially when it's just putting one child on equal footing with the others. 240k per year household income after tax is a lot of money, but may not cover 3 lots of fees, whoever pays. It's not really fair to penalise one child, she's already got a less easy life than the other two because her parents have split up.

Yes what on earth is that poster going on about?

The ex never wanted the child in private school, the DH has decided now that that's where she should go, the ex is ok with it as long as he pays, and then that poster thinks he has a right to 'have a go' at the ex and 'take it out' her?

If only that applied to University!!

Given that he earns £180k to OP's £60k, even with him shouldering 75% of joint expenses I would expect he has considerably more money left over every month than she does.

So I'm pretty sure that if they went for "Pooled income, pooled expenses, half of the remainder each for personal use" (which we do), the OP would almost certainly have more personal money than she does now.

Read on. DH’s salary is 3x the OP’s. They both pay exactly the same % of their income in school fees.

That is proportionate to their incomes. He earns about 180k, OP earns 60k.

I don’t think it’s fair that two of his children go to private and one of his kids doesn’t. I wouldn’t do that to my kids. That ultimately may be his problem, not sure, but I don’t think that situation is fair.

Agreed. They need to sort it out.

She might find she can afford the extra fee split, if they work it out fairly.

And then OP pays more because as well as the fees she pays for the other school costs.

On top of that I pay both girls’ compulsory lunches, uniforms and extracurricular activities myself. The lunches are £395 per term each, so £2,370 a year for both girls. Uniforms are roughly £600 per child initially and then about £200-£300 each year after that, depending on what needs replacing. Extracurriculars vary, but I’d say around £1,500-£2,000 a year between them. So probably around £4,500-£5,000 a year on those things altogether.

Your £16,000 savings are going to disappear in 18 months. Is that really what he wants for you? And what happens when that's gone?

It's hardly a huge safety net, and spending it all on his DD seems all kinds of wrong.

Eventually DD1 and DD2 school fees will increase what will happen then? Surely it would make it very tight for DH if they all went to private school. Have you asked DH if he's short now and its just an idea... what will happen with DD1 and DD2?

Sorry OP this is complicated. I earn similar to you and would not want to pay either, especially if Mum was not contributing. I could get behind funding some of it, if mum was paying what she could afford also. It’s not unreasonable for him to want all his children to have the same opportunities, but it is unreasonable for him to expect you to pay an additional £10k/year given the income divide. You’d be left with far less discretionary income than him.

Will he stop paying/start receiving child maintenance if DSD lives with you full time? Your husband could also reduce his contributions to his daughter’s savings/ ex up theirs to bridge some of the gap for school fees.

Lots of good advice here already, but you really do need to sit down and work out what it will cost to cover school fees for all children over the next 5 years. If mum is not helping, I suspect it won’t be viable.

Decide what you are willing to compromise on. With your household income I presume you already live in an affluent area - the additional benefit you get from private primary is minimal and could be made up by funding extracurriculars.

I’d be inclined to do state primary, then private secondary for all three children.

I appreciate moving your children when they are settled would be tough.