My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I think there is a fundamental question which is can you even afford to contribute the relevant amount for the entire school period? If I understand correctly you may have enough savings to help for a year or so but beyond that it is unaffordable anyway. What is the plan then?

It doesn’t feel right to treat the children differently and it doesn’t seem that you can afford 3 in independent schools. Can you increase your share of your own children’s fees to make it more palatable for you?

Tough for her to be struggling away in a state school while her half-siblings are in private school. Yes, she's only half his, but her half-siblings are getting (presumably) about 14 years of private schooling, and arguably if her dad's funding half of that, it would be equitable for him to fund her schooling for a few years.

I agree. His eldest’s education is far more critical at the pre-GCSE stage she’s at - plus she’s actively unhappy at her school.

Either that or reduce the amount he pays for his two youngest and OP picks it up if wants to.

It’s a shame people don’t think these things through before they “blend families” but I agree at least he’s trying to do the right thing now.

TBJ, I also didn't like the luke-warm and dismissive "she's nice enough" comment in your OP. This isn't the teller at your local HSBC branch: it's your DD's half sister and your DH's 100% child, and it sounds a really offhand and distant way to speak about someone who is part of your family.

absolutely agree with this. It struck me immediately I read it.

Yess!! I didn’t like the tone of this either. Maybe just a poor choice of words but it did make me raise my eyebrows a bit. @Calliopespa

ETA: And I mean “ not having an issue ” with your partners child is the bare minimum, if that.

I mean she was in your husbands life first. Before your children even existed.
From her POV - you are the one joining her family.

I’m struggling a bit with this one. I think for me it makes a difference how much of her life she spends with you. If you see her every other weekend then I can see you wouldn’t want to contribute to her school fees. If it’s 50 percent of the time it does seem a bit harsh to differentiate so strongly between what you offer your own children and your stepdaughter.
Is there any kind of other split that might work here eg DH pays half, ex 25% and you 25% ?
I can equally see that it seems very harsh from stepdaughter’s perspective that the money was found for her sisters but not for her. Imagine when she grows up and looks back on that. Especially if they have the private school polish and she doesn’t. Ouch.

For me I think it would be impirtwnt that her mum contributes something, according to what she can afford. But the child’s welfare and feelings surely must be paramount here.

I am stunned that your DH has been so shortsighted and insensitive as to pay for private school for two of his children and not the third. This doesn’t show him in a good light at all.

his daughter has a uni fund but yours don't

Did the OP actually say that?

OP, you haven't reacted to the suggestion that you pay more towards your DDs's fees to enable your DH to pay your DSD's fees for three years.

I think whatever you do you'll end up paying more. If he pays for DSD he will pay less for the other two. The trouble is the fees will go up, 3 sets of multiple trips a year, 3 sets of everything for years. Are you future proofed enough to afford everyone's feed until they are 18, then uni?

Urgh this one's difficult, because I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. If you phrase his side as "My eldest daughter needs something from me, that I already provide to me other 2, and now I'm going to have less money to contribute to my families shared expenses and need my wife's help" it suddenly takes on a very different tone. That said I don't think you're unreasonable for being unhappy at your husband committing to a big change in finances without you.

Tricky one. There’s no guarantee your marriage will last through your DCs education. They might be in private school for now but things can and do change. To not at least try and help and work with DH, given he’s paying the lion’s share of fees, and funding a decent life for you all, could come back to bite you one day. At 13 it will be 4-5 years at the most. Not saying make up all the shortfall, could be options for her DM to at least pay something but you’re either a real family or you’re not. The kids are either equal or they’re not. Your DH must feel very hurt, and if I was him questioning maybe even whether you’re the right woman to be in his eldest’s life. You’re basically saying not my problem yet your financial arrangements are more complicated.

So sad. Blended families are so, so unfair on children.

Em considering he’s paying 75% of your joint children’s fees, I think you’re going to cause more trouble than it’s worth in your marriage not ‘helping’ his daughter attend too. Surely if you paid more towards your daughters’ fees he could then treat all the children fairly with a private education? This stinks of ‘new family = more important’ which will come back to haunt you in one way or another. All actions have a consequence even if you think otherwise.

This is a good suggestion and overall fair.

I agree. It certainly gave me a feel for context.

Haven’t read everything, so forgive a possibly redundant Q.
Why did his first child not attend a private school? What changed to make him opt for that with his younger daughters?
And, that second choice being arrived at, why was not the first child sent to private school too, a couple of ago or whenever it was? (As she began Secondary was the ideal juncture)
Was there really no mention of any future perception of unequal treatment?

If the girl is struggling at a secondary school, it’s as well to suss out exactly what the struggles hinge on.
Private education isn’t necessarily the answer, since she’ll be years ahead of her half-siblings there (and that itself could be an excellent resource for bullying ‘mean girls’ there, you know)
He (and both of her mums) should be addressing her anxieties and hurts, before just changing her entire social landscape.

She should at least be invited to comment on which school she really wants and her parents must listen attentively. (Could be very silly reasons, or impractical)
But she also needs parents who have her education in mind as a priority.
No young teenager should have such a decision as hers alone to make, just to ease her three parents’ lives. (What of any possible fourth? Is there a DSF?)

How does her school rate vs this private one, for essential exam results and uni places later on?
DH has been content for his daughter to receive state education for all these years so again, parental priorities need some pretty forensic scrutiny here before any big change is imposed.
If she’s already at a great school, and her present teenage worries can be obviated, then it is feeble to bring her out of it just to level the playing field.
The inequality across the three siblings’ can be addressed on other ways.

Another thing, as far as this marital disagreement is concerned, is the suggestion that your shared daughters now switch and attend the local state school, so that none of the girls is regarded as privileged.
However, if it is you rather than he who is the family advocate for private education, then I think that yes, you should help with a contribution to DSD’s fees if all this comes to pass, because it’s your preference for your own kids, hard to deny your DSD.
(I do not think it should be 50%, though)

Exactly this. They are married, this isn’t a “DP” set up.

He doesn't need to "take it out" on anyone. The vast majority of women in this country would not be able to magic up or make enough money to send their child to private school. The biological mother has done nothing wrong here. Even if she had the money, she is perfectly within her right not to want to pay for private schooling if she doesn't want her money going towards that. There are many wealthy people who choose not to send their kids private when they could afford it.

From what the OP said, sounds like the mother is happy with her daughter changing school if she needs to but has made it explicit that if this new school is a private school, she can't/won't put any money towards it. That's a perfectly reasonable position. If she wants a fresh start, there are many other state schools to choose from. If the father is completely desperate to send this child to a private school and nothing else will do then he needs to stump out the cash - not take it from either OP or the child's mother if they are reluctant.

It does muddy the waters a little bit though if the reason your husband can't fund the fees for this child is because he is already disproportionately funding the private school fees for his two other children with you. That complicates things a bit and you would need a discussion of how money is split/used/allocated in the family and look at fairness and equity that makes all parties happy.

If OP was going to be an essential part of the plan (he says he needs her to help fund it) then it should have been a three-way conversation. DSD's biological parents can't just make a decision and rope a third party into it. Either they should have discussed it as blended households, or they should have left OP entirely out of it.

I've always considered this the only fair way to handle family finances. Pooled income, pooled expenses, half of the remainder each for personal use.

Proportional splits can quickly go pear-shaped, usually due to one partner out-earning the other: how can you be a 'unit' when one person ends up with loads more personal money than the other?

In OP's case, the discrepancy in earnings means she is NOT contributing equally or, some might say, fairly to her own children's education.

It's a bit of a nerve, therefore, to say she won't contribute at all to their other child's schooling. Her DH has been paying more than half the other two's fees for 8 years already. How much extra has he paid, I wonder?

If you don't want to be a joint financial unit, don't merge your life with someone else's.

OP, do the arithmetic with DH.
Income: his + yours = joint

Outgoings A = all family expenses with 2 schools
Personal A = (joint - outgoings A) / 2 each.

Outgoings B = all family expenses with 3 schools
Personal B = (joint - outgoings B) / 2 each.

This will allow you to see exactly what you're arguing over and, indeed, whether you are contributing fairly or not.

We don’t know how much of his eldest daughter’s life he is funding, why are people getting so stuck on them splitting household expenses proportionately?

I actually suspect the Ex is being clever here.

Instead of resisting the DH's request for the DD to attend the private school and getting into a to and fro with him, she has said fine, but I can't pay, knowing full well the OP will never let him stump up the cash.

I think she has taken the low conflict route (for her) and outplayed them there!

Not saying she can afford it; I'm sure she can't.

Maybe you could meet him in the middle. You could kindly say you would be happy to pay for lunches and make a contribution towards extra curriculars but if there is a shortfall in fees, that is up to her parents. I would be suggesting your husband sets out what you will both do to support this and asks mum and partner to make up the rest.

Do you think you’ll have to fork out for a school trips … uniform etc

I actually laughed out loud when I read that he thought you should pay his daughters fees.
I bet he does.
I'm sure if he pulled his belt in a bit and made sacrifices he could find the £10k.
I know nothing about Ur family situation but I'm just imagining the generous spirit he is advocating being one way.
What's yours is ours and whats mine is mine kind of thing.
I don't know the answer but it just seems very cool expectation for him to have of you.