My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

@JLou08 Tbf, he's subsidizing their family's lifestyle, the OP is earning a good salary.

They may need to alter their family's lifestyle to afford three sets of fees longterm.

So his money is yours but your savings are yours as well?

If I was your husband I'd simply stop paying for the school.

I cannot believe you are happy for his other daughter to be treated so differently to your two.

DH does have savings, yes. He has more than me, although I couldn’t tell you the exact amount without asking him. He does have money left after his outgoings, but his business income isn’t always exactly the same and he has business costs as well.

I agree that he needs to sit down and work out what he can afford. I’ve said that to him. I don’t think the answer should automatically be to take money from my savings, which is why I’ve been getting frustrated about it.

As for what we have left each month, I honestly don’t have a precise figure. Our bills come out of the joint account and we each have our own accounts for personal spending and savings. DH pays the larger amount into the joint account, plus the maintenance for DSD. I have less left than he does because I earn less, but I also don’t have his level of personal income.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay towards DSD’s education. She’s his daughter and if he wants her to go to this school then I agree he should be looking at how he can fund it. I just don’t think that means my £18k savings should be part of the plan.

How much maintenance does he pay every month?

No. But he shouldn't also shouldn't be massively privileging two children above another. It's not about what you can afford it's what he can.

If I was your DH, I would be looking to make cuts elsewhere in my budget so I could afford it myself. I am quite surprised he isn't able to cover it already tbh. Do you have a huge mortgage?

And obviously those cuts would impact on your and your DDs anyway.

As the weaker party here (financial), I think you need to go along with it. It's a short (ish) period. Plus the damage it could cause your relationship is significant.

It’s not just her ex is it. Her DD has had a difficult time socially at her school and asked about moving. Ie this is coming from her DD.

Exactly. I absolutely don't think that the OP should have to pay school fees for her dad.

But she does need to accept that her DH shouldn't be treating his own dc differently, and if necessary, that might mean that he needs to stop finding private education for the younger two if he can't afford it for all three.

“His argument is that our girls benefit from his income”

er yes because he’s their dad! That’s not an argument.

I know this is not the topic of the conversation . However, I have always thought that private primary is unnecessary and a bit of a con tbh

I’d suggest that the ex pays at least half or you pay not a single penny so 5k each

I think you both need to sit down and work out your spare income. If you're contributing in proportion to your incomes he will also have a lot more spare.

Eg. Say your total expenses are £200k, he pays £150k and you pay £50k - that leaves him with £30k spare and you with £10k

Splitting bills in proportion can leave women short if there is a big difference in income.

This sounds exactly like where you both need to start, and he needs to be 100% transparent with you about his savings. You need to work out exactly what is left in all pots at the end of the month and check it's proportional to your earnings. Then look together at areas where you might be able to cut back as a family to see if you can meet the shortfall. Would his ex be open to any contributions at all? There is no way he should be expecting you to dip into your savings when he has his own. You are going to have to go through everything with a fine tooth comb to see exactly what money you have left every month.

Sounds like op doesn’t actually know much about the finances at all.

Also odd that he jumped straight to her 18k savings when he has an undisclosed amount of savings and more left over every month.

And of course their shared children benefit more they live in the same house that’s always going to happen. Sounds like it’s the dh who is really into private school as well since it was seemingly mentioned when she started school and her mum said no. Plans were then made with her being in state school.

I dont know..i think the parents should absolutely pull it together...but you are one of the parents right? When you marry a man with a child thats a role you sign up for. Ideally it will come from mum but if she cant afford it and its best for your stepdaughter, and she only has 3 yesrs left of secondary. Id try to find a way. However...you say husband has more money. Make sure you both end up even as far as remaining money after all these fees

i wouldn't pay. DSD's mother can get her finger out and pay. I'd offer a smaller amount if the mother was actually willing to do.

you have a join net income of almost £250k.

I agree that he needs to sit down and work out what he can afford. I’ve said that to him. I don’t think the answer should automatically be to take money from my savings, which is why I’ve been getting frustrated about it

Do you accept that how he funds it may involve reducing the amount he pays towards your joint kids education, therefore leading to you paying more?

Absolutely not

it's up to her parents to pay for school. Not you. She's not your child!

No I would not do that either.

I think my view would be that if he can’t afford for all his children to go to private school, then none of them should.

I actually have 1 in private and 1 in state but that’s because my kids chose their own schools but I can afford to send them both to private if that’s what they wanted. If it was a case of one or the other then neither of them would have been given the option.

I’m surprised this conversation didn’t happen before you both decided to send his youngest kids to a private school.

DSD's Mum is not now against her going to private school but her position is that if DH really wants her to go there then he will have to pay for it.

Why is it acceptable for the Mum to say this (and apparently not have it challenged) as the child's actual Mum, but not the OP?
I've don't think I've seen it said that Mum can't afford it, just that she chooses not to. Therefore I would have thought OP has even more right to say she also chooses not to.

I also kind of feel he made a rod for his own back by sending the youngest to private straight way.

He absolutely did. He should have calculated for sending his DD1 at that stage in deciding if he could afford the younger ones.

But to give him credit, he is trying to treat them equally now.

I guess the fairest of all might be to take the younger ones out and send her? The younger ones have already had some of his funds spent on their education by him. He can then pick it up again once DD1 leaves.

So when your savings are wiped out in what, approx 18months? How does dh plan to fund the school fees, will he start dipping into his own savings. I like the way he's decided to spend yours first.

I think before you pay anything you should be financially equal i.e. until his monthly personal money equals yours then you shouldn't be paying towards his child. I don't think you should touch your savings - his daughter has a uni fund but yours don't.

Does your SD's mum work? Your husband is asking for quite a bit proportion of your salary to support his daughter's schooling. Is the mum receiving money from him and child benefit? Why can't she contribute? Surely her school fees are not your responsibility.