My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Not your daughter, not your problem. She has 2 parents so they can pay for her.

He's also been spending much much more on himself by the looks of it.

A man treating his children differently is not a woman's fault.

My dad didn't do shit for me or my eldest brother but gave the world to our youngest brother, still treats us massively different. You don't see us turning up to our step mum demanding money off her.

I could not abide a man willing to have his children treated differently. When we married I accepted my husband’s responsibilities and problems as my own, as I do his privileges.

You should treat your stepdaughter the way you hope his fictional next wife would treat your children.

This is less of a moral dilemma and more of a practical one. You have to say no because you can’t afford it from your monthly wage and you don’t have savings even to cover it for the 3 years minimum she’d need to get to GCSEs.

Well put @FancyBiscuitsLevel. They need to make some spending cutbacks to pay three sets of fees.

I agree. We’ve only out one dc through private education and with hindsight we definitely shouldn’t have bothered with primary. We should have driven him out to one of the small village schools (there’s some lovely ones in our County) and saved our money for senior school. The price rises in the last few years have been eye watering. It’s his last year now thank goodness!!

"A man treating his children differently is not a woman's fault."

I never said it was? In fact in one of my previous posts I said it's her DH I'm annoyed with for not considering treating all his kids fairly when they were deciding to send the younger ones to private school and not putting aside comparable funds for the DSD this whole time.

This earlier post has stuck with me, because I think that's exactly what's going on here.

Also - "His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education."

And "He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway."

So my reading of this is that your husband allowed his wife-then-ex to cast the deciding vote (until now). She didn't want private education, so there was no private education for their daughter. Now, she'll allow private education but won't pay for it. And she's still kind of got the deciding vote, because he's looking for you to pay in her stead. As @SeraphionLightbringer pointed out - he's taking it out on the wrong woman.

Your joint daughters' fees are paid proportionally from both your incomes. This works out at 75:25. His ex says she "can’t afford [the fees] anyway", but could she afford it on a 90:10 or 95:5 split? That is, on the same basis as you afford it for your daughters? If she's not willing to pay a single penny - and that may well be the case - then I'm sorry husband dearest but you'll just have to do it on a 100:0 basis, same deal as you have with me.

I'm usually all for every child being treated equally, as children of the family, on a day-to-day-basis. But there are a few instances where I think the step-parent should not be equivalent to the parents, and those instances involve the big decisions, which school the child goes to being one of them. It isn't @CheeseSheep 's call to make, what school his eldest goes to; that's a matter purely for the parents. And so is paying any costs associated with that decision. So paying for his eldest daughter to go to a private school is an agreement between OP's husband and his ex - not OP.

His eldest daughter has two parents, and OP is neither of them.

As an aside - I'm wondering about this 'change of heart' on his ex-wife's part. It could just be because her daughter, now 13, is advocating for it herself; but it could also be for less savoury reasons, such as 'you've got more money than me so I'm going to make you spend it' - a wee bit of exerting control over him.

on the one hand this is perfectly reasonable. on the other I feel desperately sorry for kids caught up in these situations.

I don't know why posters are chewing over the minutae of your finances op.

The simple argument is that if her mum is given the grace to opt out of paying then why the fresh hell are you not given that same grace!

If he’s paying for his kids with you then his other daughter should go too maybe he can drop his contributions to both your kids to make it fair

Yeah I think this is it basically.

How did you not foresee this before you got married. It will be the same with uni, weddings, help to get on the housing market, inheritance etc. if her mum can’t help out and you won’t, his eldest daughter is going to get significantly less support than his two younger daughters. That is very sad. I couldn’t have blended families but not really, like you have. I would have had to have been all in or not at all (as in, been willing to treat the child like my own or not gotten married and had children).

He thought you’d fall in love with his child, which is understandable as we all think our own children are very lovable, but you haven’t.

it’s just a sad situation.

I think YABU. It's outrageous that his children are treated so differently. Why should his children with you have a better education at the expense of his eldest?

That is an entirely erroneous analogy.

The Ex has not taken on one jot of responsibility for Op's DDs. It's possible she has never even met them.

They are absolutely none of her business, not her responsibility. No choices were made by her regarding the existence of those DDs. None whatsoever.

The DD, on the other hand, was in existence when the OP met the girl's father, The OP took on a man with an existing child, bred more with him and made a life with him, in a family which already had a little girl in it. She moved herself into that child's world. She has taken steps that make the dd part of her family.

Agree with you totally, not your place to pay for his child, especially when her own mother not contributing a penny, and as you’ll know there’s all the extras on top of the fees that are constant (I speak from experience here). Stick to your guns.

How much does your DH have left after paying all his bills each month including maintenance for DSD and how much do you have?

Then he should get the same grace of opting out of paying for 2/3 of his children's education. Either he can afford private for all his children or none go.

That might be the way forward.

Could you stomach the thought of paying £5,000 more for each of your bio DD's OP, if you can't stomach the thought of contributing to his DD?

The bottom line is that is really what you need to do, as if he really can't afford to pay for her, he can't afford to send yours.

I’m really torn on this. I do feel like no you shouldn’t have to pay for dsds education that’s her parents responsibility.
BUT I as a parent of two children to different dads would never have allowed either of my dds to have been treated differently. So if one was going to private school both would go (unless there was a good reason like Sen needs and we could only afford one) But that’s on your dh not you.

To be fair he'd have to figure out how much he's going to spend over the whole of your Dd's education at current rate, then look at how much he's going to spend for the remainder of secondary for his DD1 - even if she has higher fees now it's almost certainly the case he's going to pay less for her.

It would be really unfair if he doesn't send her given that fact. Bullying in secondary can have a lifelong effect - knowing your Dad could have done something about it but chose not to even more so. If she's year 9 now it's only 2 and two thirds of a year remaining of her education if she was moved by Xmas (then there's a lot more choice for A-levels if she chooses to go that route).

Could you not increase your contributions for your daughters for 2 and 2/3 of a year OP so he can fund his oldest daughter 100% for this period?

Also, GCSEs are so important and the foundation for what comes next. Far more important than primary, there are lots of lovely state primaries.

I do think his oldest daughter will never forgive him if he doesn't step up for her now and it IS VERY UNFAIR on her.

However, it's not really your problem. It's his problem. Can't he dip into his savings for 2 years to afford it? Or have slightly fewer luxuries? Sell a nice car and get an old banger? I can think of lots of things someone on 180k could do to make it work.

GCSEs are really important.

Or look at other cheaper schools ! I assume if when the OPs dds reach secondary age, if this school’s fees continue to have this massive increase for key stage 3&4 compared to KS1&2, the OP might have to say, “I can’t afford my share, we need to look at cheaper options”. And that would be fine as one of the parents who get to decide where this child is educated. It would be a joint decision between the two parents paying for the fees if they could afford it, what they would cut back to pay for it and if this school offers enough additional benefit compared to state/cheaper private options to justify the cut in their standard of living to pay for it.

The problem here is the OP doesn’t get to be involved in the decision making process for if this school’s fees are worth it for this child, she doesn’t get to look round other options (state and private) and make a choice. Because she’s not a parent of this child, she’s not got a say.

No say in picking the school, no responsibility for paying the fees.

I agree, and the amount that OP would pay equals roughly half of her children’s expense which is what she would need to pay if they split up.

I don't know his income and outgoings, but as OP has said he is paying the majority of the bills I'm guessing it's because he's subsidising OP's lifestyle.

And to be honest OP, if he has to start prioritising which of his DDs go, he really would have a strong argument to say the oldest is most important as she is closest to GCSEs. Little ones it really doesn't matter as much. Perhaps he should make up their time once DD1 has left school - if picking and choosing whom he pays for is legit.

TBH he will have paid more for yours anyway eventually, as there aren't as many years left for his DD1.

I also kind of feel he made a rod for his own back by sending the youngest to private straight way.

If he sent two children to school he should’ve made sure he had money to send all his kids to private school.

If anything it would’ve been more important to focus his money on educating the older kid from his previous relationship since she was in secondary, and send the younger ones to state school until they’re at least 10 by which point his eldest would’ve finished school.