My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

@CheeseSheep this is such a difficult one.

But working this out as follows might help clarify:

If you were to add all the girls’ school fees (inc SD) and put the lunches into that then split 75:25 what difference would that make to what you have left each month? And what would he have?

seeing the reality of your ‘leftover’ money vs his might help illustrate that while worthy and fine if you had a lot of disposable income, it may make a big dent as things are. I’d not be paying all lunch either anyway.

and

do your 2 DDs have the same funds as SD does, for when they hit 18? Does it exceed the cost of the school fees?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make.

is he usually this thick? Of course he can’t make a distinction- he’s the father of all 3. You’re the mother of 2 and the third one has her own mother who’s responsible for her. If he can’t see that I don’t know what other mental gymnastics he tries to do in his head.

Disagree with the majority here. I would pay it but what it boils down to is if you won’t, then he can’t afford to treat all his children equally so he should pull them all out of private school? That slant might make you think differently about it.

i imagine his ex doesn’t earn as much as you two so it’s less of a choice for her but if money isn’t a big issue & she is suffering, I would absolutely pay for any member of my family to have an opportunity to be happier. You clearly other her over your children & I find it quite sad.

This is a thing. Looking at OP's saving it is not like she can easily afford 10 thousand. What is the plan for second year of private school?! I don't think people understand the situation. It is not like OP can squirrel 30 thousand a year and that 10 gra d would be only a small proportion.

It is on him, but I also admire the fact he wants this for his other DD.

She SHOULD have the same as his other DDs, especially now she seems to be very much needing the change and he feels the choice is a good one.

The mother can't afford it, but that is beside the point. This is a question of how HE treats his three dds, and that, to my mind, should be equally.

She should NOT miss out because he has been paying for them and he now cannot afford it for her. Just no.

People can always find a tenuous way to justify their preference OP, and, with respect, I think that is what you are doing.

TBJ, I also didn't like the luke-warm and dismissive "she's nice enough" comment in your OP. This isn't the teller at your local HSBC branch: it's your DD's half sister and your DH's 100% child, and it sounds a really offhand and distant way to speak about someone who is part of your family.

Surely that applies even more to the child's actual mother?? Does she love her DD, she is "officially" hers, she 'took her on" when she gave birth to her.......🙄 and yet.....as PP's have said the actual mother seems to be getting a free pass here. If OP's DH has decided DD1 is going private and her mother won't/can't contribute then the full burden falls on him alone, not on the OP.

The fees required are the responsibility of both DD1's parents but no one else. And as one seems to have absolved herself of paying, it's all on DH.

Then the whole thing has been really poorly thought through.

That said they have a joint income of 240k, with 50k going on OP’s kids fees, leaving 190k. Why is this not enough to also pay for DSD? They would still be left with a minimum of 150k, they wouldn’t be living like paupers.

If they can’t afford it because they’ve also splashed out on a huge mortgage house, or are significantly in debt (because I can’t think of another scenario), then they’re living a champagne lifestyle on a Prosecco budget and this whole thing will come crashing down anyway.

2 lots of private school fees is madness if 1 extra set would leave you penniless.

what it boils down to is if you won’t, then he can’t afford to treat all his children equally so he should pull them all out of private school? That slant might make you think differently about it.
🎯

A quick look at the school fees (75% of fees from Reception to Y6) would suggest she should have at least £78,000 (very approximately) put away for her to compensate for school fees not paid for primary education but currently being paid by your husband/her father for your children’s education.

if this was given to her, your step daughter could use this to cover the shortfall if her own mother can’t manage 50% of the fees moving forward.She has gained nothing more than your girls have received, just at a different time. You are not paying for her school fees.

i am on your side is so much as I really don’t think you should be covering her fees but it is quite clear your girls are currently getting a better deal from their father. He may have realised this and be trying to make amends.

Unfortunately for you, I think it may impact on your family finances for a while but foregoing a new car or holiday is the decent thing to do here.

I agree with @Calliopespa. She is your Dds' sibling.
How will they react when they are old enough to understand?
As for the savings account that your late PILs set up for your DSD, this happened presumably before your children were born.
And in any case, the issue here is how your DH, their father, is trzating them all today and in the future.

@Julietta05 Exactly. Given their income, I'd assumed that the OP would have more saved up, but now I'm thinking that most of her 60K income is already being spent.

@CheeseSheep I think you and your DH need to sit down and thoroughly review your household finances. If he wants to send three children to private school, other areas need to be cut.

He earns 180k after tax! How the hell can he not afford it?

Well if your savings are only 18k it’s a non starter that doesn’t even do two years. So he is being a bit thick.

Is there a hobby like golf or cycling that can be given up.

Didn't read the whole thread but... simply... no.

I would say to him if the role was reversed and he was expecting his ex to pay for your biological daughters would he think she would be unreasonable refusing?

Yeah pay her school fees that her parents should be paying, she is not your child and you are not responsible and put your children.first,..
His child with another woman is not your responsibility its her, and no one will thank you or appreciatte you if you do pay and as an.adult or teenager if i found out my mother had paid school fees for a child that wasnt hers instead of putting me first id be so angry and lastly you may split up and can you imagine a man paying school fees for a child that wasnt his!

I don't think you should have to pay 50% of your stepdaughter's school fees, but I also don't think that her mother should have to pay either. You've said that her mother doesn't really believe in private school and also that she can't afford to pay the fees. Those are both completely reasonable positions. I have a fairly decent household income but couldn't afford to pay that either. If your husband feels strongly that this would benefit his daughter then he needs to work out how to cover the cost. He's the only person in this scenario with financial responsibility for three children and he really should have thought that through before he committed to send his youngest to private school without considering whether he could afford to offer the same to his eldest.

Does HE have savings? He has a large wage/income and will have quite a chunk left each month won't he after outgoings? Does he save? Is he sensible with his fun money? Why does the answer seem to be that this comes out of your savings?!

I don't think that you should have to pay anything towards your dsd attending private school. However her dad should. I think HE needs to sit and look at all of his income and outgoings and see if HE can afford for HIS child to go to private. Realistically he should have looked at this before it came up. Even if her mum is against it, she may have asked at some point if it was an option and if he's contributing the bulk for his younger 2 the answer from him should have been yes for the eldest also.

I'll be honest, I didn't RTFT but its 25 pages and based on the title, this is why I never ever ever would date a man with kids.

Life's too short, always blending problem and treating children the same. To be quite frank, it isn't my problem.

The women in the end always get shafted like OP, by her DH expectation of her to contribute towards her step child's school fees. What's next, university fees? Then, car? Then, house deposit? (I say, this based on the fact combined they earn £240k). Then, the ever so inheritance where OP two children will get shafted again because their Dad wants to split in 3 ways.

Theres doing best for the child and than there's paying 10k because the childs own mother refuses to. Its not her responsibility

I don't think this is your responsibility and we have a blended family where everyone is treated the same.

But this was not a part of the agreement. DSDs school was chosen by her parents. Her mum didn't want her to go to private. That's fine and her decision. So the decision was then mad eto send your DDs to private. You both contribute proportionally. And you can afford it.

Now he wants to change it. DSDs mother has said he can send her to private if he wants but she's not contributing. You've said the same. I don't see why you're more responsible than she is.

You pay about 15 k all in for your DDs, leaving you with 45k, he pays 30 leaving him with 150k. He wants another 10k off you putting you at 35k Vs his 120k. I don't think thats ok at all.

You'd be on little more than minimum wage (factoring in you get no child benefits or universal credit top up)

He expects you to live of 35k but he can't afford to live off 110k?

And what's everyone talking about, if you cant afford to send DSD then no one can go. So two kids get pulled out of their established schools? And that's fair?

I cannot imagine how exhausting it must be to live in a marriage, share biological children, and create a roommate style payment plans based on individual incomes. It leads to what you are now living with: tit for tat.

And tit for tat leads to arguments that never would have happened if you just had a joint account. You are married. You are a family. I can't even imagine living like this and having so many unnecessary arguments.

So to check I’ve got this right- you currently pay around £10k a year and if dsd goes too, because there’s a big leap between the cost for primary and secondary at this school, you’d need to start paying around £20k a year for all 3, is that right?

And also to check, you can not pay an extra £10k out of your wages, some/all of that extra would need to come out of your savings. As you don’t have enough savings to cover the rest of year 9, y10 and y11, you’d have to top that up with all of your “fun money” after about Easter of 2028/easter of year 10.

on the other hand, there are substantial savings in DSD’s name, that would cover the fees, but this savings account has been set up in a way that means it can’t be accessed before 18 to pay for fees now.

So you can’t afford this. Your dh can’t afford this alone. Your dh’s exW can’t or won’t afford this. DSD therefore can’t go.

This is less of a moral dilemma and more of a practical one. You have to say no because you can’t afford it from your monthly wage and you don’t have savings even to cover it for the 3 years minimum she’d need to get to GCSEs.

No I would not pay for DSD particularly as you are only on £60k and are already committed to £10k for your two daughters. £18k is not a huge amount in savings and will only help in year 1. What happens after that?

I think the problem is he obviously hasn't been putting away the equivalent amount as the youngest's school fees for DSD - she has some savings that she can't access until she's 18 (fair enough) but OP has said his monthly contributions to her via those are not enough to cover school fees. Which means he has been spending far, far more on the younger two over the last few years.