My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

She said earlier she sold the property years ago and so doesn't have any income from it. Her savings were also from before the marriage I believe.

Exactly.

But why does the mum have to stump up for something her ex wants to do? If my ex came up with a bright idea for DD to do something I hadn't felt necessary/couldn't afford (or he'd actually not been prepared to pay for when it was much cheaper, especially as there was a new girlfriend that had got pregnant within a year), it wouldn't have been my responsibility to part fund it later on even if I said I wouldn't object.

Him paying for it and also expecting his second wife to pay more (from her very adequate salary) towards their two children doesn't sound like a first wife problem to me, it sounds like a pretty reasonable acceptance of reality and responsibility for a decision regarding his eldest child.

Sorry I missed this. So how much are the savings? I’m not desperate for a gotcha, it’s very relevant to the scenario.

It isn’t fair that you are asked to contribute, no. And as a company owner he might be able to earn more if he wanted to (if the company is profitable).

Would the contributions to the savings account make up the difference? I mean, if he stopped them altogether and paid all of the schooling himself. That would be fair and the best option (if he isn’t saving for your two DDs).

I don’t believe you should have to pay for your step daughter when her own mother doesn’t. Her mother should not be getting a free ride and plenty of spare cash to spend whilst you pick up the pieces.
BUT
I do think your husband should ensure his eldest daughter has EXACTLY the same money from him that he has spent on his younger daughters over the years and moving forward. If this means there is then enough in the pot for her to use on school fees, then that is fair enough ( e.g seven years of school fees at 75% she has not accessed which your children have). If he has set up savings account for all three children, this should be in addition to what they all have.

Why on earth hasn't your DH been investing the equivalent of the school fees? Surely you don't think it's fair that he should spend more on your shared dc than on his other child?

Your DH cant afford to send his three children to private school. If he can't afford all three then none should be going.

I suspect OP’s DDs also have savings accounts with the same contributions so it’s ‘fair’ 🫠

Around £18k atm give or take. It’s not some massive pot, just what I’ve saved over the years, mostly before I married DH or started dating him.

I know people seem to think I must have loads tucked away but I don’t. It’s emergency savings and I’m not comfortable using it for school fees when I can’t easily replace it.

I don't think there's a simple right and wrong here. If I had 2 of my children in private school and 1 in state who was struggling and would benefit from private I would feel absolutely awful. I think your DH did make a poor decision when he decided to privately educate 2 of his children when he couldn't afford it for all 3.
In your situation I'd pay if I could afford it. You're not obliged to pay it but often people do things for the benefit of their spouse and step-child.

There’s an interesting discrepancy.

It seems more and more like DH has to explain to DSD that different decisions have been made for her provision.

It is very difficult to provide exact equality between children from different marriages, but presumably your DH has an explanation about how the significant savings for DSD are fair to his other daughters.

He doesn’t appear to have thought these things through. Maybe this is the opportunity to have the whole big discussion about all of it. He needs to be as fair as he can, but a person has only one mother in their life.

If you can't afford or don't want to contribute more to your own DDs' fees to enable your DH to send all three of his DDs private, you will have to agree to cut back on your discretionary spending elsewhere.

I think there’s a difference between agreeing to a particular arrangement for our two children and being asked to take on another £10k a year because his ex won’t contribute.

The ex doesn't want to send her there, your husband does.. so it's a simple question of do you support your husband in what he would like for his daughter or do you see it as not a 'you' problem.

I think you are being extremely short sighted to outright refuse based onthe fact she isn't your child, she is part of your household and this is a household finances issue for you to sort out between you, the ex will not give a toss whatever happens either way. Your husband however, will now realise that you see his daughter as not eligible for any of your household income to be spent on her.

If you had a child from a previous relationship, would you be happy that your husband said he wasn't his problem? Unlikely.

Is H a teacher, how does he know his oldest DD would be suited to this school? Has he considered her loss of friends & lack of contact with her Mum.

As he’s decided this he should be able to pay up for his opinion, not be expecting others to simply shell out!

I'm a strong believer in children from blended families attending the same school if at all possible as it helps give them something in common.

It would be one thing if you both were not making that much money and couldn't afford it but good grief you are both cashed up more than most people.

You're sitting here talking about an income of 240k a year and acting like you're almost penniless if you would have to pay for the DSD tuition

Are you also mortgage free on your house? you mentioned selling that property before getting this bigger house how much of that went toward this new house?

This is your DSD, not some stranger on the street it just amazes me how miserly people are especially people with a lot of money and you can afford it saying oh that's between them their actual parents and not you

I'm wondering do you ever do any good deeds for other people or you just counting all of your money and deciding who should get a pence and who shouldn't based on blood

You both clearly can afford the tuition for DSD. this shouldn't even be a question

'She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family'

Wow.

Well that’s only two years.

What is your DH’s plan for after that? This is not thought through.

In your position I would not pay either. Regarding your husband:
His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally BY HIM - this is the bit he is missing from that sentence
This is not your problem. The child has two parents.To be fair, the school fees for DSD should be split by income between DH and his ex. If ex refuses, or her income is so low that DH cannot cover his 'share', then DSD's parents, jointly, can't afford private school for her. I would not use your income or savings - particulary as they are so much lower than his. I think he has a bloody cheek to be honest.

I agree it's for your husband to pay, but if that means you have to pay a bit more for your shared children's education or a bit more than you are paying now for holidays and shared expenses sobeit.

In a household with two parents, are people really making sure their children get the exact same spent on them? Because that doesn’t happen in this house. Granted, we aren’t talking school fees but clubs, clothes, etc, we aren’t making sure it’s equal. It just is what it is.

my eldest will also have more in savings than my youngest, as her great grandfather was alive when she was born, but not when my youngest was.

I’m unsure of why so many people think it’s fine for the dad to stump up 100% of the costs for his eldest, and the mother nothing, but are mortally offended by his paying 75% of their shared children and OP 25%

All children should have the same opportunities open to them.

By this I mean as a family. So, fewer holidays or less expensive ones.
I don't know if you mentioned how you and your DH work out how much you both have for personal spending. If he has more than you this should be evened out so that so that any extra money he currently gets goes into the family pot.

He's paying 75% of the fees for the shared children with OP. Maybe OP as their mother should pay 50% for her DC instead of 25% then her DH could afford to pay for his older child.