My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I totally agree. Why is this only coming up now. He should have had the same policy for all 3 kids since the start.

Is that savings pot the equivalent of school fees though? I would love it if it is but I am doubtful.

With this in mind it sounds like he can fund his eldest if you split the fees for your two 50:50. So perhaps it isn’t you being asked to fund his eldest, more he can afford that if you pay equally for your kids. Cant do the sums but if that framing is correct I can’t see how you can disagree

You could look at it from the other side, that he will be paying his daughter's tuition alone as her mother can't afford to contribute, which will result in a renegotiation of how much he can contribute to your shared children, meaning you will likely need to contribute more, if you take home 60k you must earn in excess of 100k. I do understand why he'd want all of his children to have the same and if she's already a teenager think about how much your household has financially benefited from him not paying her school fees thus far. Also she will only be in school a few more years this isn't a 4 year old.

Absolutely. This is why I refuse to date men with kids. even if I didn’t have my own with him I wouldn’t be keen on the prospect of subsiding a child who ultimately (and rightly so) wouldn’t see me as a parent and would probably say goodbye to me quickly if we split ups

My initial reaction was to say heck no, her fees are not your responsibility and in theory, no, they are not. However…….I suspect what might happen is OH will try to spin it as ok as the oldest is MY responsibility as much as the younger two so I’ll need to make up the shortfall from my other daughters’ fees….Oh and guess what you are partly responsible for those so……
So it will work out the same in the end anyway.

Well there should be plenty in this pot to pay for dsd's school place as he owes her the equivalent amount he is spending on his younger children but over a much shorter time period. If he can't afford all 3 in private then they should all be in state. It's not complicated

Is your husband not putting money aside for your daughters too?.
I imagine he is but you've failed to mention that.

Yes she just said he is, but didn’t clarify how much.

She’s also refusing to answer how much she earns from her savings and property income that ‘are hers’.

Can he not stop paying the money into the account monthly, and put it towards the school fees from now on then? Hopefully she should still have a good chunk when she's 18 with the contributions to date.

If that's not enough to cover the fees, then DSD has still been losing out over the last few years compared to your DD's.

No, it isn’t the equivalent of the school fees, it’s a savings account DH has been paying into for her since she was born, but she’s likely to have a huge amount saved by the time she’s 18. Her mum pays into it as well, as do people on her mum’s side of the family.

She was given a huge amount as a baby by my PIL, and they were the ones who started the account off. They’ve both sadly passed away now, but there have been regular contributions over the years, so there’s likely to be a substantial amount in it by the time she’s 18. I don’t know the exact balance because it isn’t my account.

Our DDs don’t have many people contributing My family aren’t well off, and DH’s parents are no longer here, so they haven’t had the same sort of gifts or contributions. I’m not saying that makes up for school fees, because it doesn’t, but DSD hasn’t been left with nothing for her future either.

The SD's mum either cant or wont pay.

She is probably resenting the fact that her ex husband is treating his second family children more favourably than his first family child.

You cannot force her to cough up even if she is able to.

But in the middle of this is a child who has had to cope with her dad leaving and seeing him start a new family.
Now the 2 new children are getting a privilege which is not afforded to her. It is not her fault that her dad moved out, it is not her fault her mum doesn't want to help pay for private school.

Dad needs to treat all his children the same. If the new family budget is enough for all 3 to be treated the same then that's fine. If it is not enough for them to be treated the same then he cant afford private school for any of them.

Either way this child should not be made to feel second best. She is a daughter of the family and should not be made to feel as if she is not as important.

There does appear to be a lot of 'What's mine is mine' in the OP's posts and that seems to apply to the children as well sadly.

I dont think you should pay his daughters fees while her mum pays absolutely nothing. Who does he think is goingvto pay for her lunches and her uniform?

Oh course your children benefit from his income. They are his children. Im sure his older child benefits from his income through CM.

Dont get me wrong. If you want to contribute and cam afford to then I think that would be lovely. I don't like him trying to pressurise you or guilt you into it. I dongblike the lack of discussion. I dont like her mum holding her hands up, shrugging her shoulders and them both expecting you to carry what should be their financial burden.

Tbf Op, your dh’s dd only has another three years left in school ( unless your dh decides he wants his do A levels at private school )

He earns 3x what she does - but still pays far more proportionally - 75% which means the OP and her children benefit at the expense of his daughter. The OP needs to pull her own weight and stop sponging.

I’m guessing OP’s kids have savings accounts too?

Thats what they have agreed as a couple. She isn't sponging. Her and her husband made an agreement based on their joint finances. Also, he oay 75% of the bills, but she pays 25% all the kids extracurricular, lunches and uniform.

But he still hasn't been contributing the same financially to DSD as to your joint DDs then? The contributions from other family members are not really the point.

He can’t afford it for all 3 then none of the kids should go. Absolutely idiotic

You're married – all your money is his money and all his money is your money. So I don't really see how this is a discussion of he pays X amount and you pay X amount.

Yes, it's his child with another woman and THEY decide where she goes to school. But if the mother can't contribute at all, and they still want to send her, then he pays the entire fees and it comes out of your family's budget. So it means he has less money to spend on other things – for example holidays etc – that you then either go without or not.

If you work out the maths this is correct. He earns three times what she does, so if calculating costs based on that he should be paying three times as much as she is. That means 25% from her and 75% from him.

So your dsd is subsidising her younger siblings?

Why has literally everyone missed the part where she says she has ‘property and savings’ that she sees as ‘hers’ and aren’t part of the household income????

The dds fees are apparently £40k which he currently pays £30k and she £10k

30k/180k = 16.67% of his income.
10k/60k = 16.67% of her income

Ie they’re both paying exactly the same % of their income on school fees.

She posted again to say the house was sold pre marriage and she now receives no additional income to her salary.