My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

What would happen if you changed the language around.?
If your DH said, ‘ I am really worried about Elder daughter in her current school. I am going to pay to send her to private school. Unfortunately that means I no longer have enough to pay my share of our two daughters fees. Are you able to pay more towards our two daughters, or should we take one of them out of school?’

I should add that I really don’t know if you should pay more or not.
Overall it would be infinitely better for her mum to pay the extra.

their dds fees are £40k which he currently pays £30 and she £10. The additional £10 just evens it out, so £20 each for their own DCs. He then pays 100% his first dd. She has spun this around (or if he said it this way it’s really stupid of him!).

I think you should stump up another 5K per biological child of yours and your DH use that to pay the full fees for his DD. If you can’t afford that you can’t afford private education for his THREE children.

It sounds like your children will still get much more from their dad towards their private education than his other daughter, given they started private so much younger than her. She is unhappy and struggling where she is. If you can manage to help at all, I really think you should.

YABU

Me too but sadly these OPs never are.

Private school is a ridiculous decision unless a multi millionaire. Huge gamble that the kids will truly benefit from it, much better to move to a decent catchment and save property deposits (that’s what we are doing). Also means when the chips are down it’s not an issue reducing or freezing payments until things improve.

I don't understand why you are paying an extra £4-5K on lunches, uniform etc. Why is that not also spilt 25:75 in line with your income?

In your shoes, I'd say I'd pay the proportionate amount for those extras, then be willing to offer the other £4k towards your DSD's fees. (essentially your budget stays the same - maybe a bit more if you do the same for DSD's lunch and extracurriculars). But dh's ex HAS to be willing to make up the extra. Otherwise it doesn't work. So dh needs to absorb his proportion of the extra costs, and his Ex has to pay about £5-6K. If SHE can't / won't dp that, it is HER decision. But then presumably she is also aware of the other options for DSD - why is she not pushing for those if she is not supportive of private education?

You say you have savings (quite rightly kept separate). Does your dh have savings? Does his ex? Your DSD has 4 or 5 years of schooling ahead. Does dh have savings of circa £50K (to top up the full fees) that he could contribute?

Does it have to be the same school?

Could they all go to a more affordable school?

Beyween you you have enpugh £ to fund all three. If that means dsd is happier etc then is worthwhile. Given that you believe private is the best option for you joint dd then suck it up and fund the final years for dsd between you . If you have to cut back on a holiday so be it. Dh is putting needs of oldest child first . Presumably tho he can just fund dsd anyway and tell you that is his priority and cut back on car or holiday expenditure for next 5 years

My comment was for the stepmum to give that for the girl's father to cosider. It is very often that kids from private schools go to the state 6th form. Uni costs are a different kettle of fish, those will be coming from his maintenance. But the cost of Uni education isn't the topic of this thread.

I'm afraid I'll no doubt bring out the "Ignore: MN just hates SMs" brigade in agreeing with this post, but I do OP. (I don't think that blanket allegation is true btw: there are some fantastic sms on here who sometimes seem to care more than the bio parent).

When you have children with someone who already has children, I am a strong believer that a good father (in this case) makes sure the first family doesn't suffer because he goes on to have a new family. If he is paying for your DDs to attend, I think it is important she gets the same education as he is contributing to for them. If he can't afford to fund all three of his DDs though that school, he shouldn't just fund two. In short, if he can't give all three of them an equal experience with the total he is contributing, he can't actually afford to send any of them.

The way I look at it is he is giving you the opportunity to make it morally correct for him to keep contributing to your dds' fees.

If you are paying for your dd's yourself and entirely, that is a different scenario. But you can't expect his funds to be split in a way that creates disparity between three children who are equally his.

Full credit to him btw for seeing things with this equitable approach. So many DFs walk off and leave the first dc in the lurch.

This would seem a sensible solution. Your two are young enough that they should be able to transition fairly easily.

I am just flabbergasted by the fact that people pay this amount of money for school fees when they actually can’t afford it .
if your dh needs you to contribute 10k for his DD’s school fees , then he can’t actually afford private school fees.
The fees are only going to increase

So you earn 1/3 of what your husband does but pay 1/4 school fees? He's asking you to move proportionally pay 1/3 of your daughter's school fees which will free up enough for him to pay dad school fees?

Because that actually sounds perfectly reasonable on his part.

This
If you were funding your dc’s education alone , I would agree that you shouldn’t have to pay for your dh’s daughter’s fees. However, since he pays a bigger proportion of the school fees for your joint dcs , I think it is fair to ask you to contribute . if he can’t pay for his daughter and your joint daughters then they shouldn’t be in private school

I understand the point about DSD potentially being at a disadvantage, but she hasn’t been going to private school because her mum was against her going. DH has been putting money aside for her every month into a high interest savings account which has been in her name since she was born. She’ll get access to it when she’s 18 and nobody can touch it before then.

And no, it doesn’t have to be the same school in theory. DH is the one who feels quite strongly about her going to this particular one, partly because the girls are already there. We could look at other schools, including more affordable ones, but I don’t think moving the younger two just to make the fees work is necessarily the answer either.

your H is starting to sound financially abusive...🚩🚩 he should use all his fun money before he puts his hand in your pocket

Anyway wont the school need both parents to sign the fee form? Most i know do. So if the ex wont sign the form it's a non starter really

I'm shocked by people's lack of understanding, the op earns 1/3 of his salary, in other words he earns 3 times hers. To pay proportional to their income he needs to pay three times what she does. If they paid ⅓ and ⅔ he would only be paying double, that's why 25% 75% - that's the correct breakdown for him to pay 3 times what she does, proportional to their income after tax.

I think the op would be better off if they pooled all income and got equal disposable money for the month because currently he also gets 3 times as much disposable income

I agree.
I also fail to see why DSD mum should suddenly be expected to contribute just because Dad has suddenly decided he wants his kids to have a more expensive lifestyle. This is on him.

OP’s husband should never have put his younger children in private school if he couldn’t do the same for his eldest. That’s really awful. I wonder how else he’s decided she’s not worth the same as his other children?

So this is a man who is happy to treat his children differently. Now he wants to blame his current wife for inequality? OP, he’s looking for you to clean up his mess or be a scapegoat.

DH earns 3x what OP does, of course he pays more of the school fees.

It’s mums responsibility or her dads only. No way is it yours

her mum has never been particularly keen on private education

Bet she'd soon change her stance if YOU were the one to stump up though.

As a pp said, all 3 girls are his, and he will want the same for all of them. Only 2 of the girls are yours, and you do not want the same for the third. This is why I never dated anyone with a child. I knew I'd never see them as my own, if I'm honest.

No you shouldn't have to pay, but your husband should. I don't know how you can resolve it but I agree with your stance, and I know I'd be the same.

Equivalent money to that being spent on your kids fees?

That was before you decided that you should pay proportionally less and that his daughter should pay the price. Outrageous.