My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I’ll say it in capitals for those just joining the thread

THE OPS HUSBAND PAYS FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE OPS LIFE AND THEIR CHILDREN. THE OP SAVES HER MONEY WHICH IS ‘HERS’. SHE IS NOT BEING ASKED TO PAY FOR HER DSDs SCHOOLING BUT RATHER A HIGHER (EQUAL) CONTRIBUTION TO HER OWN CHILDREN.

Your step-daughter's school fees are for her parents to pay. If your husband's ex is refusing to contribute, because she realistically can't afford to do so, and your husband can't afford to pay for all her school fees, then she can't go. It's really that simple. Is it fair, probably not, but life isn't fair. You aren't financially responsible for your step-daughter, no more than your husband's ex wife's husband/partner (if she has one), is responsible.

In an ideal world, all the children would be treated equally, but that's not always possible. The adults involved, aren't on an equal financial playing field, to start with.

He doesn't have to pay 75 percent of the fees either. He could just reduce that so he could pay his other child's fees. I don't think OP had got a leg to stand on really.

Reposting for those going ‘OMG OUTRAGEOUS’ at having read only the thread title…

The £10k would actually be less than you paying half for your own children. Surely you must agree it's unfair for your children to disproportionally benefit from your husband's earnings compared to his daughter? Putting it another way - would you be happy for your husband's next wife's child to go to private school but yours be denied because you can't afford to pay up?

If you contribute 25% of your DD fees plus lunches/uniforms etc could your DH ex also contribute 25%?
I guess thus us thd problem with blended families and using private education for not all of the children.
Whose idea was it in the first place to send your DD down the independent sector?
One of the earlier responses was that your DH talks to his daughter and saves/contributes £xK to extra circular/tutors or saves that amount for her until shes 18. Then she'll have a good amount of savings.

I think you need to look at both your finances in terms of the children- school fees and maintenance he pays for DSD .

Your DH should send all his children to private school if that's what they all want.

Agree completely.

If she was only earning 60k, with no other income streams or property, I would say this is a cheeky ask and she should refuse. I agree step parents should not have to fund their step children.

But that’s not what’s going on here.

OP:

So yes, I do contribute towards their actual tuition fees, I’m not just paying for their lunches and calling it a contribution. DH pays three quarters of the fees and I pay a quarter. I think that’s a fairly reasonable arrangement given the difference in what we earn.

The issue is that he’s now asking me to take on an additional £10k or so for DSD, which is quite a different commitment.

Amen. I've been saying this since page 1 😂

Did OP clarify whether the 60 and 180K were before or after tax? Because, if before tax, then 25%/75% split means he proportionately pays more as he will be paying a lot more tax.

It was a joint decision between me and DH to send the girls to this school. We looked at a few options and agreed on this one. I haven’t pretended that I could afford the fees on my salary alone, that’s why we split them according to what we earn. DH earns considerably more than me and pays 75% of the fees, I pay 25%.

I do accept that we’ve chosen to take on these fees and I’m not saying DH should pay for everything while I keep all my money to myself. But that doesn’t automatically mean I should also be paying towards DSD’s fees. I think there’s a difference between agreeing to a particular arrangement for our two children and being asked to take on another £10k a year because his ex won’t contribute.

Also OP:

To answer the question about my savings, most of what I have saved was from before I married DH. I had a property and savings before we got together and I’ve always kept that money separate. I’m not particularly keen on using it to fund school fees.

OMG. YOU would not be paying for DSD's fees. Please stop saying that!

You are still ignoring whether his eldest gets the equivalent amount of money saved for her if not currently at private school. If not she is already at a disadvantage.

Op why haven’t you said what income you have from your property and savings that are ‘yours’? This is still income. And why aren’t they taken into account when deciding the ratios of who pays what?

You should pay 50% of your girls’ school fees and their father the other 50%. He then offers to pay 50% of his eldest’s school fees and her mother pays the other 50%. You don’t pay for your step daughter as her mother should contribute; However, if your step daughter’s mother can’t or won’t pay her share, your husband should put his 50% into a savings account for your step daughter. This should be backdated to cover the amount he has contributed to his younger daughters’ (your shared children’s) education. This is in addition to any other help he provided eg house deposits, first car, travelling. It would add up to a tidy amount of money for her.

The more I think about this, actually the more I'm annoyed with the DH - not for wanting to treat all his DC fairly, but for not considering that when they decided to send the younger 2 to private school. I'm guessing OP was the driving force behind that as he clearly wasn't that bothered push for it with DSD, his ex didn't want it so he probably thought (not unreasonably) "great, that'll save us some money".

But why on earth did he not consider the financial disparity when deciding to send the younger ones?? He knew he had three kids, but was outlaying a huge amount more every year for the younger two. I am getting the sense he hasn't been putting an equivalent amount each year away for DSD, otherwise he could just dip into that now to pay the fees for her. Though I suppose it could be in Trust or something, but if he had earmarked that amount he could just stop paying it into savings to fund the fees now.

OP sounds like she could afford to pick up more of her DD's payments to help, but I appreciate the goal posts have been moved massively from what her and DH had agreed. Not enough info has been given about his ex's income to see if she's BU, but I can understand not wanting to be forced into paying towards private school just because ExH has decided he wants that now. He basically hasn't thought things through when he should have, and is now realising that he's been massively unfair to DSD and is scrambling to try to even things out, but can't afford it without OP or ex-wife helping out. I really, truly feel so sorry for the DSD.

If you have the money and he doesn’t, pay for it now and get him to pay you back over time if it bothers you? You’ve been the girl’s stepmother since she can remember. From her point of view, and from yours as well it seems, she is second-class in your merged family because she’s not ‘yours’. I’d argue she is yours because you’re her stepmother. And you’re meant to love her dad. Why wouldn’t you support him to care for his struggling daughter and in effect force him to treat his kids differently if you had the means to avoid this? Yes, her mom should pay if she can but if she can’t then she can’t. Count your blessings - you have both wealth and a rich family life. The latter will mean more than the former in the long run.

There are lots of things in here but fundamentally
Your DH cannot uniliaterally decide how you will spend your savings or investments
You don't have parental responsibility for this child - you can love her, welcome her and nurture her, but ultimately she is not your responsibility.

Even if your DH agrees to pay you will be taking on a bigger share of household responsibilites, I presume
Your DSD mother has a say in this - will she pick up the incidentals like lunches and uniforms etc, or will this also still fall to you?
Your DSD should NOT be part of this discussion - poor thing may feel lesser, but I don't see how that is your fault because you didn't start this conversation. Her parents will have to explain this to her.
I understand how complex and nuanced it is in blended families so this is not always as easy as possible but I come back to the point - its not your DH money to decide what to do with.

But did neither of you at this point discuss what was fair for his first born child?
As a minimum he should have been putting an equivalent amount away in savings for her for university /a house deposit etc

I would be appalled at a man who tried to treat his new family better than his first child.

Sorry, I should have made that clearer. Those figures are after tax, but before any of our other bills, mortgage etc are paid.

The 75/25 split is based on that. We worked it out between ourselves and both thought it was fair.

There certainly is. But if he commits to paying all of the school fees for his own daughter then you will need to look again at the agreement you've made concerning your shared children to see how it can all work.

Omg talk about not reading the posts properly. The op has clearly stated she sold the property when they bought the current house.

It isn't a single year budget problem, it is long-term setup problem.

Over the time DH is paying a fortune for his 3/4s of something 12+ years of education of his younger DDs.

If he uses a similar overall amount for his eldest, he should be easily able to pay for 3/5 years of her schooling now when she needs it the most. The missing contribution from her mum just means that she has already spend years in a state school.

What is the ex wife financial situation - does your husband pay maintainance? Will this stop to go towards the finances for private school?
Hes putting you in a very difficult situation. Shes not your child and if her own mother can say no then so can you.