My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I do think OP you need to really spell out to him that of course he should treat all of his dcs equally/fairly, but it’s madness to suggest you should treat your step-daughter the same as your children, given you don’t have the same rights or responsibilities towards her, you have no say in her education, expecting you to pay for it is not fair.

Basically - If you don’t get to pick the school you don’t get the bill!

Also who’s going to pay all the extras? It’s all good and well moving schools because she’s having friendship problems but unless she’s got all the expected stuff and extra clubs and fun stuff the others do she is just going to be the poor girl at the posh school.

There was a thread on here before where one parent was much better off and so would never take their private school friends to the other parents house as it was the equivalent of council vs mansion.

Is mum willing to even pay for more experience uniforms and clubs? Or is this 10k going to become 12-15k once lunch’s clubs and uniform are added on?

Girls can be bitchy at every school moving school won’t fix the issue if the dsd is maybe the bitchy girl. She might not be we don’t know but if you’ve got zero friends at school either your the problem or there is a huge bullying problem the school need to fix.

What a load of rubbish

OP, huge red flag that this man whom earns 3 times as much as you wants 10k from you towards his childs fees.

Red flag and major cheeky fxxkery.

Do not agree to it.
Be very wary of any man who wants you to use your money on his child.

This is his child.
Not yours.

He doesn't like you having savings.
Do not move on this.
Huge red flag.

Her own mother won't pay and he wants his soft dim wife to pay.

He must believe you are so dim.
The cheek of him.

Push back so hard.

BTW @CheeseSheep- if he can only afford £20-21k a year now, is that the most her education will cost? If that the fee level between now and year 13? GCSE years are often more expensive. A levels even more so. Will you get a say if she stays on at this school for year 12&13, or could you say no then? What if she wants to go to another school offering different qualifications post GCSE’s (eg she wants to do the IB). Are you expected to pay for that without getting to be part of the decision making process of which school?

And the biggie, if you and your dh split up, would they still expect you to pay for dsds fees?

Nope. I’m a step mum. Not a chance in hell I’d be paying this. This is for her parents to sort.

absolutely this. The more OP posts, the more horrible she sounds. Very much doesn't want to hurt her own wallet to take on extra for HER kids. She's just trying to rework it to make it seem like she'll be paying for DSD when in fact she'd be paying more equally for her own DDs

Have you read the part where he pays 75% of their DDs fees, while she counts her property and savings incomes as ‘hers only’ and not part of the household budget or school fees?

Please, do not pay. That is not your daughter and not your financial responsibility.

I have had a very similar situation, my partner wanted his eldest to go to private school and to add the expense to our joint account, I have said absolutely not, he can’t afford the entire amount and her mother can’t afford to pay towards it. We have a child together who goes to a state primary school, I’m sorry but I am not paying for somebody else’s child’s education.

That’s a completely different scenario to this one

Read the thread. It’s absolutely nothing like the op presented in her first post.

I would say if you pay yourself for your DDs then he should pay for his. If you both contribute equally then I guess its fair you contribute to his daughter's fees? It depends on how your outgoings are separated. If this would affect yours in a negative way (for example, you would end up with less money for your DDs or for holidays or whatever) then you should say No.

I think there’s been a misunderstanding, I don’t currently own a rental property or have any property income. I did own a property before I met DH but I sold it when we moved in together as we needed somewhere bigger. At the time DSD was going to be staying with us regularly and I was pregnant with DD1, so we needed more bedrooms. It’s not sitting there earning me rental income or anything.

The money I have now is savings, mostly accumulated before we got married/met. I’ve always been sensible with money and I want to keep the savings incase of any kind of emergency. They’re in a savings account and I don’t touch them at all.

I earn £60k from my job, that’s my income. I’m not hiding another salary from DH or living off rental properties!

Yabvu.

So you don’t make the decision where to send DSD to school but now you are supposed to pay 1/3 of her private school while you only pay 1/4 of your own daughters’ fees.

That seems quite odd.

His problem is that he can’t afford to pay for all three of his daughters to go to private school. Yes, it seems unfair that he funds two of them and not three; no doubt he will feel guilty about this. However, DSD’s mother also plays a role here; previously she seems to have preferred state school and she still can’t or won’t pay for private school.

So it seems reasonable that he should talk about the costs with DSD - and either he puts aside £22.5k a year against her later education costs, or he puts it aside for her other benefit later on. (Deposit on flat or car, whatever. Launch money.)

What is the benefit for you of using your savings for DSD’s school fees? Purely family calm?

Also where does he envisage this extra spending coming to an end? GCSEs, A levels, degree or post grad? It’s kind of reasonable for him to produce a plan - £30k is not pocket change but it is less than £100k.

I do understand this perspective, but the OP and her DH made a decision about how school fees for their daughters would be funded when they chose to send them there. I don’t understand why the expectation is that OP needs to fork out more because there’s a change related to the other daughter. If it’s beyond the means of her parents then it isn’t for OP to fund it, is it?

But he is paying 75% of the fees for their joint children. He could reduce that so he could pay for his eldest.

Surely you want all his kids to have the same opportunities though? If as a family you can afford it, there's no reason to leave one child out.

Because the way it’s split is inherently unfair.

OP has also disclosed she has her own property and savings which ‘don’t count’ towards this income ratio for some reason.

So she’s amassing a fortune for herself, while DH pays the lions share of her children’s fees, meaning DSD can’t go.

If OP paid HER fair share of HER OWN CHILDRENS fees, DH would be able to afford his share for all 3 girls.

It’s so frustrating when people don’t read the OP posts properly.

He’s married and had children with this woman, how they split the finances in the home isn’t important. She doesn’t have to pay 50/50 if her husband earns substantially more. She isn’t saying she has an issue with the husband covering the fees, which is being fair to all children ( step daughter would be getting more spent on her by her father as he can cover most of the fee) but why should she pay when this child has 2 parents? It’s ridiculous to even expect it

You are entirely right, OP. Of course it's your DH's obligation to make sure that all of his three children are treated equally by him - and yours to accept that. That would manifest itself as you accepting that he will have £30,000 less each year to potentially put towards other family things. That is your contribution. Maybe you'll have to look again at how much you contribute to your daughters' fees to make sure that fair - it read like you pay 1/4 yet earn 1/3 of his salary?

Given the difference in income and how much more it sounds like he's contribution to your joint children and your lifestyle than he is to the child he had before he got together with you, I think you are being a bit unreasonable to not sit down and look at this as a family issue to solve.

I’m sorry but you don’t have the household income to support three kids at private school with appreciating annual fees. That’s madness!

Your husband has moved the goalposts by deciding his eldest daughter needs to attend private school alongside your children. My guess is he has some leverage against you with this idea because it was your decision/idea that private school was the preferred route for your kids? That’s the only thing that makes any sense.

I would be telling him that when the decision was made that his youngest kids would attend private school that was on the basis of needing to find ongoing fees for two children. By making promises to a third child without any conversation with you he has stepped outside the agreement and unfortunately will need to either reverse ferret with his daughter, fund it himself, or all kids will have to attend state school. His choice.

She’s not paying, she’s not even paying her fair share right now!

And how they split their money is absolutely to do with DSD if it means her DH is spending the vast majority on OP’s 2 DDs so OP can save more of her own money.

Absolutely fair that SD should go the same school as her sisters. Absolutely her own mum & dad need to pay for it.