My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

If the dsd is already in Y9 then you are talking a maximum of 5 years paying for her fees. Another way of looking at it could be that you take on paying the fees for your younger child in full while he pays for his older daughter. That way you are paying for your daughter and ge is paying for his.

You are being incredibly mean and selfish to not care about the DSD at all while protecting your children exclusively. You are part of a blended family. If you split up because he realises how self centred you are then all 3 children will ultimately be treated the same. You can hope that his next partner won’t have an attitude like yours.

If he is contributing significantly more than you to the household expenses (no just school but everything) then it’s only fair that he can decide to pay for his child to go private.

What if he were to pay her school fees from his salary and then you compare what he has left to your salary to decide the % you should contribute to everything else, would his share still be more than 50%? If yes, I’m not sure what you are objecting to, not benefiting enough from his high salary?!

I think it's disingenuous of him to say youre 'making a distinction between the children that he would never make', as they are all his biological children but not yours. He can't possibly say how he would feel about a child that you may have had before you got together, when that child doesn't exist it's easy to say you'd treat them all the same.

However I think you are all storing up issues for when his children are older. Giving two out of three children the huge financial benefit of private education without compensating the other in some way is really going to cause resentment and affect relationships between the children. If I was him I'd want all my children to have the same education. Even if that means moving the youngest two from private

Out of his 180K income, how much does he pay his ex for DD1? Does he also pay spousal maintenance or does she have a good income too?

The amount he pays for your daughters education needs to be split between the 3 of them then see if you can make the short fall up on your 2 and he can make the additional for his one

The other thing to do would be for your DH to put the amount he has spent on family two’s school fees/2 into an account for DD1 and then he’s effectively spent the same on all three girls. Maybe DD1 could have a decent house deposit if he doesn’t want to pay for her education like he did for the younger children.

Im not sure what you're reading but im reading about a woman who contributes towards her kids education alongside her husband who has another child form a previous relationship with a woman who has no interest in financially contributing to her daughters education, while being perfectly happy for her ex husband and his current wife to do so instead.

@CheeseSheep Does DSD live with you?

All 3 go to private school or none of them do. He should pay for his daughter even if it means you should pay more than 25% of fees for your daughters. Cannot afford to send all 3? Than state school for all. It is so awful that he uses his very high income to benefit 2 of his 3 daughters education. That poor child being left out.

if you paid 50/50 of everything it would be one thing but your joint kids disproportionally benefit from his high income.

In an essence he is not asking you to pay DSD fees. He is asking you to pay more towards your own kids so he can afford to pay for his daughter.

Blended families, eh!

Hi OP, for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of your children's relationship with their older siblings, please do what you can to make this work. If you split, which is an odd way to look at things , I imagine all the girls would need to leave private school as there will be 2 households to run. I am a step mum and a mum, the relationship between the kids is important and will sustain them in life. Your relationship with your husband is the foundation for all the kids' happiness. My advice for what it is worth, is to do what you can to say yes. He loves his eldest as much as you love your own.

And another comment - this is always what happens with blended families. Someone, somewhere, usually an innocent child, becomes the unwitting victim of their parents’ foolish choices. I can’t imagine how DD1 must feel, seeing her DF move on and giving so much more to her half siblings. It’s just cruel.

But it should be because they are the household, and clearly it’s only the op because the eldest didn’t go, who decided on private school. It was the op who chose private, - without giving a shiny shit about the impact on her stepdd - not the mother.

What happens with birthday presents and holidays?

1. You are no doubt in London to be earning and paying such sums. A commitment to 70 grand from post tax income annually is VERY risky.
2. SD must be in year 8 or 9. DH could offer to pay up to the end of GCSE.
3. There are plenty of bits of London where you would be in the catchment of top state schools for the younger girls at 11 and the older girl at 16.
4. That's roughly equivalent spend on all 3 then.
5. No you should not pay anything as it's not your child.

I suggest you ask Mumsnet to delete your post as you have given such exact information that it would be straightforward to identify the school.

You should not have to contribute towards your stepdaughter's education. She has two parents to thrash it out between them and it's not like you are Lady Bountiful on a killer salary whilst your husband scratches around in the muck. He massively outearns you.

However, be prepared for the possibility that he may feel, since he can't afford to finance private school for all three, that none of them should have it.

I do feel sorry for step kids.

I think from the omission, we can safely assume it’s ’not Very much’ and ‘practically all of it’. Which moves this op from the original post which resulted in cries of ‘of course you shouldn’t pay’ in to ‘how abhorrent to treat your step daughter so different.’

You could look at it as you paying an additional 5k for each of your own children though. He still would be paying more than 50% and he could use the money to pay for his eldest dc. His ex should pay for her lunch and extracurricular.

How much does his ex earn, @CheeseSheep ?

Yes, but OP’s DH seems to be making the decision for his eldest daughter to go private now (like his other children) even though he is aware his ex can’t afford to contribute.

It’s not like she’s loaded and just refusing to pay. OP says in her first post that the ex says she can’t afford it.

DH has saved a lot on his eldest’s school fees all the years she’s been in state. Even if she goes to the independent school now, her total fees (for all schooling) will be much less than the amount paid for the other children. Given that he’s contributing more than half of the fees for his younger children, he’ll probably end up paying significantly more for them than for his eldest.

100% this!
It's so unfair to leave the step daughter out because she's not her biological daughter. When you married a man with a child you made a commitment to be a step mum yet you're acting like you want absolutely nothing to do with her.
Your fine with him spending a fortune on your kids but god forbid he tries to keep it equal by spending on his first born child!
You sound like the evil step mum who just wants to marry rich and start a new family and pretend he didn't already have committments to his child

But that is the consequence of getting separated and having another family. OP does not have any parental rights to the child. If they split up she will never see the child again. Equally if OP would push for the dsd to go to private school when mum opposed what rights would she have to do that? Mum would say- it is not your child back off (rightly so). You cannot have it both ways.

I think that’s partly why I’m uncomfortable adding another set of fees into the equation. It’s not that I don’t want DSD to have the same opportunities, it’s that I don’t think we should commit to something we might struggle to maintain for all three children.

To be honest OP that isn't how your other posts read, they all sound like you don't want to do it on principle.

I think the obvious solution is for you to offer to pay half your own children's fees, as long as he pays half for the extras, so if the total comes to £41,220 + £4500 for the extras, so you pay £23k and he pays £23k, you are already paying £15k now, so it is £8000 more for you to find, but he is already paying 75% of everything else and will continue to do so, so it is a good compromise to be honest.

IMO if there is an imbalance going towards the children because two of them are being heavily subsidised by your husband, while the other gets nothing, then it is up to you to pay more for your children, freeing up money for DSD.. you wouldn't be paying for her at all and need to stop looking at it that way.

Paying tax?

I’ll probably be in the minority but I think your husband is right. They all go private or none do.