My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

If your DDs are privately educated from Reception to Year 11, that is 28 years of school fees (14 academic years x 2). Given your SD is already in Year 9, you are either talking about 2 years and 2 terms to get her to GCSE or 4 years and 2 terms including sixth form. I think your DH should pay as he clearly can afford it if you pay a larger percentage of your DD’s fees for a few years and you cut down on holidays / luxuries if needed. They are sisters and there should not be such a big discrepancy between their educational opportunities.

I'm usually 99% of the time on the step-mum's side but I agree with the poster, I'm reading this thread open mouthed at OP's entitlement and obvious favouritism towards her bio kids.

Poor girl! I’d be livid with a partner if they thought it was fine to send new children private but not the original child. Talk about abandoning a family and then moving on to start afresh, bigger and better. The issues you have now are of his making. He didn’t push to send her privately before and should have done. Now he’s in a pickle. But there’s no way I’d be subsidizing another woman’s child. Her mum can cough up.

I think it's quite a difficult choice. If he is paying towards your DDs fees. Could you afford them without his contribution.

It depends how much he pays for his 2 kids he has with you . Its a lot each year . So does he also spend the same amount on his eldest?
If not why not? Did he not think her education was as important?
So if he pays all the kids school fees then I could see how you could then pay some and he can afford to send his other child aswell.
But if you pay half already then he will have to find the missing money or pick another school.

I wouldn’t pay, but if I was your DH I wouldn’t agree to pay for yours and his children to go when his other child hasn’t been afforded the same opportunity. And your DH cannot afford to cover the fees of all three then he can’t afford for any of them to go to private school.

I don’t get why anyone’s suggesting it’s her mums fault, most people cannot afford to send their kids to private school, OPs husband could, but then he had two more children and now he can’t afford it for all three. So now one of child is being treated differently from the others and that’s also unfair. I don’t know what the answer if but I wouldn’t be able to live with that unfairness if I was your DH

I think that’s partly why I’m uncomfortable adding another set of fees into the equation. It’s not that I don’t want DSD to have the same opportunities, it’s that I don’t think we should commit to something we might struggle to maintain for all three children.
DH is very keen on this particular school for her, but there are other options.

I would now insist on all 3 going to state school if I were your DH. I said upthread, this should have been foreseen by him (not you, as you clearly don't care about his other DD) as the disparity between his children's education is unfair to the point that he could lose contact with his DD1.

I cannot help but wonder who pushed for private school? Seems odd your DH would want this for his second and third DC when his first DC is in state school.

If you said you were paying 50% of your children fees, I'd see your point, but you're not.

You are being so unreasonable. Surely, you could use your savings towards your children fees, releasing some for him to pay for his other child? You want your cake and eat it. You keeping your saving, which is now very much marital savings, for yourself, your children and you highly benefiting from your husband income, but his daughter not benefiting from something it sounds age needs more than your children.

Cut your clothes, reduce your spending (him, you, your children) and make it fair for all the children.

well if its up to him to pay his daughters fees they should be paid first and then you can split the shared daughters fees between you based on what is left AFTER he pays her fees. That is what is fair to all children.

You are absolutely right and he's just trying to guilt trip you. It is not the same to pay for his child with another parent. I wouldn't.

I earn around £60k and DH’s income is roughly £180k, although his is through the business so it can vary slightly year to year.

The annual fees for both girls currently come to £41,220. We split those 75/25 based on our incomes, so DH pays approximately £30,915 and I pay £10,305 a year.

We do the same sort of thing with the household bills. We have a joint account and pay into that as well. That covers the mortgage, utilities, insurance, food and general household costs. The mortgage is in both names, although DH obviously pays the larger amount through the joint account. I pay my share of that and the other bills, I’m not financially dependent on him.

On top of that I pay both girls’ compulsory lunches, uniforms and extracurricular activities myself. The lunches are £395 per term each, so £2,370 a year for both girls. Uniforms are roughly £600 per child initially and then about £200-£300 each year after that, depending on what needs replacing. Extracurriculars vary, but I’d say around £1,500-£2,000 a year between them. So probably around £4,500-£5,000 a year on those things altogether.

So yes, I do contribute towards their actual tuition fees, I’m not just paying for their lunches and calling it a contribution. DH pays three quarters of the fees and I pay a quarter. I think that’s a fairly reasonable arrangement given the difference in what we earn.

The issue is that he’s now asking me to take on an additional £10k or so for DSD, which is quite a different commitment.

Yes me too, I have a stepmum, I try to be objective and put myself in the OP’s shoes rather than jump to ‘the poor child’, but this is really cold. Amassing a fortune for yourself, DH paying the lions share of the fees, then saying they ‘can’t afford’ to treat DSD equally.

I wonder what they see when they look in the mirror.

This is what I meant in my earlier post. Your DH is paying more than half for your DDs so he doesn’t have enough for his older DD. He needs to spread his money across all 3 (more heavily towards the eldest) and then you can pay what’s missing for your younger DDs.

It’s unfortunate the the decision for the elder one was not made at the same time as the younger ones but if it were - perhaps your both wouldn’t be in private school right now?

If he can't afford the same opportunities for all 3 then all 3 should be in state schools.

Are those net or gross incomes?

Honestly - I think it is only fair eldest DD has the option of private school now and your really need to sit down and work out if it is affordable for all your children through their education.

Yes. At the moment he is spending 0 on the eldest's schooling but most of the fees for the two youngest.

Are you paying a fair amount for all family outgoings based on your respective incomes, including school fees?

Is there enough slack in your DH income to pay for his DD school fees if the above is the case?

If you earn 60k and he earns 180k why are you splitting things 75/25?

Me too. It’s not fair on them either but I would rather all three of them receive the same level of education rather than have one left out

Well maybe don’t see it as a portion of his daughters fees, but instead see it as 25% of each of your shared daughters fees. He’s right that you’re looking at it from the wrong way around.

People saying the mum should contribute are missing a very important point.

the mum never wanted this, never budgeted for private, was happy without it.

the ONLY reason it has become an option is because the op and her husband decided to send their other children to private. Then, and only then, has it become desperately unfair on the eldest child.

the mum isn’t responsible for this whatsoever, it’s the op and her dh.

people are responding as if the mum has said ‘ I demand that our dc goes to private and you and your new wife must pay for it.’ Which she hasn’t.

this is a situation caused by the op and the father.

But this does not absolve the ex of any financial responsibility?

Clearly there are only two fair options
-.your husband pays enough for all three of his children to go to private school (whether you contribute to that or not is by the by);
Or

• none of his children go to private school

Is this a reverse? I cant believe anyone would treat their stepchild like this.

So let’s call your daughters fees and expenses 50k all in. You jointly earn £240,000 - what on earth are you doing with the other £190k, plus your savings and property income?

I assume he’s paying CMS but sorry I don’t believe for a moment that you can’t afford DSD fees. Not unless you’ve made some very silly financial decisions along the way that you’re not disclosing.

His ex isn't the one who decided to have two more children and send them to private school

@CheeseSheep did it never occur to you when enrolling your daughters in private school that it may be something that eldest step daughter may want? Surely you should have factored that cost into your sums when working out what you can afford.