My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

He has higher income but will have higher costs - I can see him arguing that the shift in the proportion you pay for your two children needs to increase. Very difficult situation.

I think morally you need to make it work. Clearly the stepdaughter has been in state school for quite a few years now so she’s already much less expensive than the other children. He could have been paying 20K a year for her for the last 8 years. You both make great salaries, you have plenty and you are creating a division where it’s not necessary.

OP I can see your point and the logic behind it but here's another perspective ;

You both pay for private schooling for your own kids proportional to your earnings.

These are rough figures but bear with me ;
He earns three times what you earn so he pays three quarters. The total including lunches trips etc is 100k per year. He pays 75k, you pay 25k. But his 75k has to be split between all three kids and because all the fees for your dsd are falling to him then that 31k is paid fully so you will have to pay more obviously than before for your two.

I know the maths is the same and as I said I can follow your logic but I'm trying to reframe it so it sits better with you.

Because honestly your shared children getting private education while his other daughter does not is wrong on every level. Your language towards her IS cold whether you realise it or not; you don't 'mind' her being part of the family - she IS part of the family whether you mind or not. You describe her as 'fine' - a child whose life you've been in since she was five? It's really hard to read and I say that as a sort of step mum who came into their lives as teens and they have been horrendous and behaved appallingly. I still have much more human feelings towards them than you seem to towards your dsc.

I think there is much more than school fees going on here and you should take bit steps to reassure this young person that she belongs. She's likely to carry a lot of complicated feelings into adulthood as a result of all this. You haven't treated her well at all.

@ACynicalDad maybe what he gives up is paying the greater share of school fees for his younger DD so his DW can accrue savings so that he can afford to pay school fees for his elder DD? That is very much OPs issue. OP pays more from disposable income to pay for her bio children to attend private whilst DH can afford to treat all his children equally despite the earning capacity of bio mothers. Surely that is fair?

What's the issue with 75/25 with those incomes. He earns £3 for every £1 she earns. He pays £3 for every £1 she pays. It is proportional.

On the flip side He will also have 3 times as much in personal spends as the op does

The issue is that he’s now asking me to take on an additional £10k or so for DSD, which is quite a different commitment.

what a twist 😂

so he’s asking you to pay 50/50 to your own children’s education? Both paying £20k then.

The more you post, the more you show of your character OP. Neither of you come out of this well and there’s unlikely to be a happy ever after here. Have you planned for the scenario where you split and need to fund everything then?

That's unfair. The ex was against private school but then state school failed her daughter to the degree that the child is suffering.

Well, the school that she is currently at.

There's nothing to say that a different state school wouldn't suit or that the school her sisters are at would suit.

Yes she’s also got property and savings which she isn’t classing as part of her income…

DSD lives with her mum during the week and comes to us at weekends, plus some of the school holidays. She has her own bedroom here and obviously is part of the family when she’s with us.

For birthdays DH and I buy presents for DSD together and her birthday is treated just as importantly as the younger two.

Holidays are a bit different because of the arrangements. We try to include DSD in all of them, but sometimes her mum refuses if it’s not “our time”, which is a shame. We usually go away as a family during the school holidays and DSD comes with us when her mum agrees or when it falls during our time. We’ve also taken her on trips without the younger girls before.

If you have a joint account for mortgage and bills etc could you not both add a bigger contribution into the joint account and pay for all 3 fees out of that? Then you're treating all the children fairly.
Also if he's earning 180k and you 60k on paper it might be a 75/25 split but he'll pay a higher rate of tax than you. Maybe you should do the split based on income AFTER tax and NI.

I think the argument here is that you don't make any decisions aboit her needs. Why would you pay towards her education. Tell him it is likely to be 3 yearsx10k, until the end of her gcse's. Can't he use his savings? If he is concerned and believes her needs aren't met he should pay. Would he give you right over her mother to make decisions about his daughter? Would he go now to have you adopting her? That is imho the actual road of analysing this issue.

I would feel the same

Ultimately, I think there are three possible solutions here.

The first is that the DH pulls funding for all private school fees and all of the kids go to state. The DH would need to set aside an equivalent amount for his eldest daughter to offset the expenditure that has already been invested for the younger kids.

The second is that the DH stops funding the younger two, sets aside an equivalent amount for his eldest daughter to offset the expenditure already invested in the younger two, and the OP funds 100% school fees for the younger two from now.

And the third option is to explain to dsd that dad can only fund private education for any of his kids if their respective mums are also willing and able to chip in. And as her own mum isn't willing or able, he will instead set aside an equivalent amount to what has been invested in education for each of the younger children, which he will add to at the same rate as he continues to invest in the other kids, in a dedicated high interest account that she will be able to access when she is an adult for a house deposit or whatever else she might need.

Of course, the younger siblings may be cheesed off when they're older to find that dsd has a sizeable house deposit whereas they don't, but if things can't be perfectly fair and equal due to their mothers having different resources and priorities, then they will just have to suck it up in the same way that dsd will have to suck up not being given the opportunity to go to private school.

Personally, if he sets aside the same money for her future that he spends on education for the others, I think she will come out with the better end of the deal.

Split the difference with the ex? Might be a bit of a surrender on your part but you want to keep the older girl on side as time progresses. She might see any set back as a result of her education and therefore feel resentful. Would you take your girls out of their school and put them in the local state? If the answer is no, I think you should find a way of supporting the older girl. Is it worth talking to the school and seeing if they could up their percentage to siblings or if there’s any scholarships or other help for the older girl?

He should treat all his kids equally. You married him knowing he had a child. I understand it is 50% the step child mums responsibility, but if she can’t afford it….. It isn’t like she is pushing for her daughter to go. You earn roughly almost a quarter of a million a year between you, I think the step daughter should be able to have the same education as her siblings

If you suggest his ex asks her partner to pay, I’m sure he’d say that’s a ridiculous idea as it’s nothing to do with him. Shame he doesn’t understand it from your point of view. YANBU

Bottom line, no not your responsibility, she is not your child, if her mum can’t afford it then it really isn’t your problem, but it does become difficult when you add siblings into the mix, all 3 are his children and i can see where he is coming from to a degree (he wants all his children to be treated equally) and i suppose it becomes a case of supporting him as his wife rather than supporting as DSD step mother if that makes sense? Think of it as not £10000 towards her schooling but £10000 towards your husbands peace of mind that he is doing the best he can for ALL his children. Again though it is not your responsibility.

An admirable and eminently sensible post, but sadly optimistic. Op has no intention of DSD benefitting from her dad as much as her own DDs have.

"Personally, if he sets aside the same money for her future that he spends on education for the others, I think she will come out with the better end of the deal"

I'd be very interested to know if he's been putting equivalent money aside for DSD for all the years that DD's have been in private education........

Is this one of those ‘trades’ relationships? So you trade youth and/or beauty for money? Because that would explain why you think he should spend his vast wages on you and by extension your own dds, but not his first dd.

So you’re quibbling over 50k, possibly a bit more by the end of year 13 so all 3 can be treated the same. And you’re prepared to spend half of that on extra curricular on your dc.

As others have said, it’s not paying for his dd, it’s increasing the amount you for yours.

I would be very careful with this op. He may divorce you over this. All for 50k. You’ll lose a lot more if that happens.

This is the only acceptable solution.

Sadly, I suspect that you're right.

Just to throw a slightly different perspective: year 9 girls are pretty horrid everywhere. Why is everyone so sure DSD would be better off /happier in a different private school?