My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Honestly I said it before but committing to private education from reception age nowadays is insanity unless you have large sums in the bank already and a very stable high income.

Did you not have any discussions around education for all three girls, university, house deposits etc etc.

Just all seems incredible to me.

exactlyy this but also, most private education fees increase as they go up in school - how is this going to be afforded when they are older?

It's not your responsibility op . It would be generous and kind of you did but I don't think you're unreasonable not to .

So is he saving the equivalent amount for his older dd as he's spending on her younger siblings? I foresee trouble ahead if not. It's in your best interests to facilitate a good future relationship between them all.

The example I gave at the start of thread is below:

If DH is paying ~£30k pa and OP is paying ~£10k per annum to the school fees then OP could potentially increase her payment to £20k pa and he can decrease his to £20k pa. This would free up £10k for him to pay towards his eldest school's fees.

Without OP clarifying their income and outgoings and how much they each currently towards the fees, we are just pissing in the wind.

I think you are married and she is one of your 3 daughters of the family. So I would agree to contributing though it would annoy me his ex wasn’t.

Of course he wouldn't make that distinction all 3 children are his but only 2 are yours !
Your 2 children have 2 parents and so does his daughter , its up to her mother to cover the shortfall NOT YOU.

I had a property and savings before we got together and I’ve always kept that money separate. I’m not particularly keen on using it to fund school fees.

So his money is ‘our money’ to be used for the benefit of the family, and your money is ‘your money’ to be used for your benefit only?

You obviously have a healthy additional income in addition to your work salary. I think between you you could easily afford to send the 3 girls but you’re digging your heels in because you want this arrangement where he contributes more than his fair share to your 2, so you can hoard your savings and assets, to continue.

People like this rarely live happily ever after.

She says he earns three times her salary so I’m guessing she pays a third and he pays two thirds

But your children's education is being predominantly funded by your husband so you are benefiting financially, irrespective of the differences in income.
You are both high earners with savings and you had a property pre marriage.
Your husband's children should be afforded the same opportunities and he rightly sees them as equal.
Your financial situation including savings etc is a world away from the majority of people.
OP, if you paid 50% of your daughters school fees, how much more would you be paying?
Probably considerably more than you are paying now!
Please consider this, you are in a very privileged position.

But he could turn around and say he's not paying school fees for the younger dds anymore and all 3 kids should go to state school.

You're relying on the DH being generous and kind to everyone except his eldest dd.

No the solution is her mother needs to contribute otherwise DH needs to find the money. It's not for OP to pay more while hier mother refuses to contribute to her own daughters fees.

I can understand where he's coming from. If I were him, I'd be recalculating how I could afford fees across 3 children - including what (small, possibly) contribution the daughter's mother could pay and reducing his contribution to your joint dds.

If it's unaffordable for 3, then none should go.

Agree completely.

This ‘I would be paying for DSD’ is false because what would actually be happening is OP finally paying her fair share for her DDs, which would in turn free up a bit of DH money so DSD can be treated equally.

Your husband should reduce the amount he pays for your shared children to 50%. It's sounds like you have savings you could use to top up your contribution to 50%. Then he can pay for his own child in entirety so you are not paying for his child (removing the what happens if you split up issue). You couldn't object to paying 50% for your own children if you have the means surely?

Agree with this. Dh needs to even things up!

I completely agree with this. She might not be your child or your responsibility but if your DH asked you to pay considerably more to enable your 2 DD's to go to the school - would you do it?
If he wanted to spread his money more evenly over all the girls education, would you be happy?
One could argue that yours are young so could go to a state school now and private later? Would you be OK with that?
Your DSD only has 4 years left at school, I'm sure a compromise could be reached.
Of course, she might not even get into the school.

DSD's mother didn't agree with private schools and didn't want to pay. Convenient that she's OK with it with someone else paying

That's unfair. The ex was against private school but then state school failed her daughter to the degree that the child is suffering.

Lots of people swallow their principles when their children are in distress.

It’s not for OP to pay for DSD but it is for OP to start paying her fair share for her DDs, thus leaving DH with extra money which he can then spend on DSD if he chooses.

Of course you don’t have to contribute for your DSC’s fees. I’d be very worried that DH thinks you should, in your position. That would have me looking at lots of things, tbh. DSC is the responsibility of her parents only.

But it doesn’t sound like she’s bothered to even move schools to help her either.

Just stay put or dad pays for private. Rather cheeky if you won’t pay a penny towards it.

It should be clear as to whether mum can and won’t or cannot contribute.
I really do feel sorry for the girl.

Well do we then extrapolate that he earns £92k pa and OP earns £30k pa? Because that doesn't sound right.

Think we need to know salaries.

Because if OP is able to amass savings because her DH pays for the majority of things and therefore he can't afford school fees for his elder dd, then that's not fair on DH and his dd.

Thats a pretty grotesque take, particularly since DSDs mother isnt too interested in her going to an independent school and doesnt want to contribute towards it.

Its not the OP's responsibility, and to berate her as gross is out of line.

But apparently it is for her to pay quite a bit less than half when it comes to her own children? Meaning that her DH doesn’t have enough to pay for his eldest daughter.