My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

Always read this threads open mouthed. The OP met her husband and within a year had a child with him and now expects him to find private school for her kids but doesn’t want the same opportunity for his existing child. Gross. Gross women who see previous kids as an inconvenience and gross these weak men who just go along with it.

Well, yes. But if he won't/can't fund all three, then his "fix" may be to fund none of them. I was wondering what the OP would do in that scenario.

Like I’ve said I don’t think suddenly paying 50/50 is the way forward.
They need to do the Maths. Add up all the household outgoings (including school fees) and then determine a proportional contribution based on income.

How do the numbers look if you had to pay 50% of your DDs’ fees? Might probably amount to the same 10k?

Private school is not an easy decision and needs both parties to agree to pay. Given the years in question I’d say DSD is in a more critical year and will benefit more from private school so your DH needs to work that out first and then see how much he can put towards the younger ones.

If you assume he has a father spends an equal TOTAL amount towards his children (from the point of your marriage) across their entire education, it may well turn out that you need to put in more money to keep your DDs in private school or risk them being pulled out now and being put back in private in later years.

The mother may be refusing to pay but OP also states that her husband pays the majority of the fees for her own children. Do you not think that OP should be stepping up and paying for her own children as well?

Not necessarily half, but proportional to their relative incomes.

I think she said she is contributing? She also said her husband earns a lot more than her

This!
Also OP, would you be able to send your daughters to independent schools without your husband's financial contribution?
I appreciate that they are both your children but I can understand your husband's POV.
A difficult situation and one of the consequences of blended families.

I think the issue is that you do not have any parental responsibility towards dsd. If you split up it is likely you will not see her and you will not have any financial obligations towards her and I would say that to your husband.

Exactly.
Op should be paying 50% for her two children before she expects her husbands ex to do the same.
He should contribute an equal amount for each child

So I guess my question is this:

What if the OP's OH turns around and says that we can't afford all three children to go to private school and will prioritise his eldest daughter going as she is struggling the most?

Would the OP manage the gap for one of their joint daughters to continue to attend?

It's a tough one, but I think this is what happens when you marry someone with children - they will always have to be equal and if the OH is paying for the majority of a private school for his two daughters and can't afford a third to attend then he needs to make a decision on all three.

Sorry OP but unless you are paying for your children or pay the majority then I think he has to do the right thing by all his children and if it means that you as a family pay more for your two kids then this is what should happen.

Its terribly sly and manipulative of the parents to involve their daughter in this. You say no, youre the bad sm, you say yes, you're a pushover. And you will resent all three of them. Rock and a hard place.

YANBU , nothing to do with you! I cannot believe he’s expecting you to pay for HIS daughter (or a share), stick to your guns.

DSD wasn’t sent to private school when she started school or when she went into Year 7 because her mum was against private education.

Until it was suggested that you would be paying…

. I do contribute towards the actual school fees for DD1 and DD2 in proportion to our incomes. DH pays the larger share because he earns considerably more than I do, but I pay the school lunches in full, both girls’ extracurricular activities and their uniforms.

DH probably earns around three times what I earn, although obviously his business income can fluctuate. His ex works and lives with her partner. I don’t know their exact financial arrangements and I don’t really think it’s my place to go into her finances. DH pays maintenance as well as covering other costs for DSD.

On the question of what happens if he stops paying for our girls, I honestly haven’t got an answer. I would obviously want them to stay where they are and would have to look at what I could afford, but I couldn’t just take on the whole cost indefinitely on my salary.

I think that’s partly why I’m uncomfortable adding another set of fees into the equation. It’s not that I don’t want DSD to have the same opportunities, it’s that I don’t think we should commit to something we might struggle to maintain for all three children.

DH is very keen on this particular school for her, but there are other options.

I think it depends on how you share your finances tbh. If I were your husband I would not want one of my children to be unable to go to private school when her younger sisters are able to do so.

How are the school fees for the younger children paid? If you both pay half then surely as a higher earner he can also pay for his elder child to go for 3 years out of his income. If his income is actually paying the majority of the school fees then I can see his issue - he is spending all his education money on 2 of his children and none on his third. If you split the fees evenly for the 2 younger children would he be able to pay for his eldest? If you can't afford to pay half - and yet can save money - then you are in somewhat the same position as the ex wife - you are expecting him to pay some of your share. And by doing so you are stopping him paying for his eldest child.

Can you reframe it as not you paying for the eldest but you carrying a larger share of your younger children's fees for 3 years so he can pay for his eldest? Make sure he realises it is for the next 3 years and you expect to go back to the original plan when those fees end.

But you committed to it for your own children?

It’s not that I don’t want DSD to have the same opportunities, it’s that I don’t think we should commit to something we might struggle to maintain for all three children

So your solution is that one child should miss out completely and the other two continue to benefit?

It's all very well for him to say that he wouldn't make a distinction between the girls. Of course he wouldn't - and shouldn't - because he has the same relationship with all of them, being their father. You, however, do not!

I've just reread the OP and it says that DSD's mother didn't agree with private schools and didn't want to pay. Convenient that she's OK with it with someone else paying. Presumably when DSD started school and for the past 8 years it was a joint decision about where she'd go? She must have changed schools 2 years ago, so that's another decision.

I think this needs a bigger conversation over moving the goalposts. Could she get a bursary or scholarship? Could grandparents chip in? Could she go to a cheaper private school? She doesn't have to go to the same school as OP's DC. Mother ought to pay something in the same proportion as OP is already doing, not just opt out.

All these years your husband was happy that his daughter was not at private school, if it had mattered to him at all surely she would be there already ?!

They are not married financially speaking. At all.

I think that’s partly why I’m uncomfortable adding another set of fees into the equation. It’s not that I don’t want DSD to have the same opportunities, it’s that I don’t think we should commit to something we might struggle to maintain for all three children.

In fairness, that is really a conversation that you should have had prior to sending any of them to private schools.

If your DH can't afford to pay for all 3 kids, then he should pay for none of them. Obviously, if you were funding your dc independently, that would be different, but it doesn't sound like you can afford the fees on your own.

In this case you need to pose the question how mother and her partner will contribute? It cannot be purely on your household.

Also worth looking forward 5 years or so. If secondary fees are more, then what will you be paying for your own two girls at that age? Is it similar to the total for all three girls now? If so, that might put it in a different light. You'll be paying that out eventually..

Your husband is trying to bring you into this, but I'd also want to know why this last 10 K for his own daughter is impossible for him as a high earner. Never mind your savings, what about his? Can he take money from those? It's more his responsibility to do it than you.

But this doesn't say how much you pay and how much your DH pays?