My husband wants me to pay his ex’s share of school fees

[CheeseSheep]

DH thinks I should contribute towards his eldest daughter’s school fees and I’m really not sure if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together eight years, married for six. We have two DDs together, aged 7 and 5, and he has a daughter from his previous marriage who is now 13. She was five when we got together so I’ve known her most of her life really. We get on fine, she’s a nice enough girl and I have never had any issue with her being part of our family, but we’re not particularly mother and daughter if that makes sense.

His eldest currently goes to a state school, because her mum has never been particularly keen on private education. Our two girls go to an independent school, which is the one DH has now suggested his eldest should move to. The fees for DD1 are £22,140 a year and DD2’s are £19,080 as she’s in a younger year group. The fee for DSD would be £31,500 but could possibly get a 10% sibling discount, so it’s not even exactly the same amount as the girls.

Apparently she’s been having a difficult time socially at her current school and has been asking about moving. I don’t know all the ins and outs as obviously I’m not involved in the day to day school stuff, but DH thinks a fresh start would be good for her. I haven’t disagreed with that at all.

The problem is he’s now decided that the school our girls attend would be the best option. He spoke to his ex about it and she’s apparently not against her moving, but she doesn’t want to pay private school fees and says she can’t afford them anyway. DH says he can cover most of it but there would still be a shortfall and has suggested I pay towards that. He hasn’t actually said an exact figure yet, but from what I can work out it would be around £10,000 a year after what he says he can pay.

I was a bit taken aback if I’m honest. I work full time in property management and earn a good salary. DH earns considerably more than me through his business. We have a joint account for household expenses but keep our own savings separate. I’ve always been quite careful about having my own money and I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. I have no problem with DH spending his money on his daughter, he’s always done that and I wouldn’t expect anything different. But I don’t see why my savings should now be used to pay her school fees.

DH says I’m looking at this completely the wrong way. His argument is that our girls benefit from his income and that because we’re married, all three children should be treated equally. He said he doesn’t understand how I can be happy paying for our girls’ education but suddenly have an issue when it’s his eldest. I said that’s not the same thing as I’m their mother and their education is something we decided on together. He thinks that’s a horrible distinction to make.

What has made it more awkward is that his daughter apparently knows about the possible move and I don’t want her thinking she’s somehow less important or that I don’t want her at the same school. I’d be perfectly happy for her to come here if DH and her mum can sort out the fees. I’m not trying to exclude her.

But equally I don’t think it’s fair for DH to decide on a private school and then expect me to make up the difference because her mum doesn’t want to pay for one. Surely that’s something he needs to work out himself?

He’s now saying I’m being selfish and making a distinction between the children that he would never make. Am I being unreasonable to refuse to contribute? I feel like I’ve been put in a really uncomfortable position.

I think you need to address the family spending more widely. He clearly feels he's bearing the brunt of things disproportionately, so he's got some leverage here. Which he doesn't.

If you're equally as happy as him to have your own two DD in private education and it was a joint decision, then you need to split the fees, along with the other household expenditure proportionately according to your income.

So if he pulls in 500k a year, and you pull in 100k a year, you both pay in alignment with your income for the family outgoings. £350 a term on lunches isn't cutting the mustard and he's using that to force your arm.

Which school his DD goes to is a conversation between her mother and father, as is any payment to be made. But I feel, along with the "she's nice enough" comment,, this is very much a wider issue.

It’s all very well saying the biological mother should do whatever

meanwhile on planet earth you can’t force adults to do stuff / and given it’s a divorce situation it’s even more likely that the two won’t cooperate well with each other

This seems to be the best solution. Make it clear that your step daughter’s education is not your financial responsibility. However, in order to free up HIS finances to educate his daughter, you will increase your contribution to the education of YOUR daughters.

How much more than you does he earn? I think this matters a lot.

He wants the OP to pay towards his eldest because the girl's mother can't or won't

You are not being unreasonable. He should be having a go at his ex, the child's mother about being selfish, not you.

I suppose the question is who pays the school fees of your youngest 2 children? Do you contribute to those? If you don’t and then the £10k contributions is effectively your continuation to your own children’s fees

Does she or is it an easy way for the to say No because she assumes paying for the school plus lunches plus after school stuff etc… would require the OP to chip in so the ex expects she will say say No (fir her)?

interesting for example Theres been no discussion around what the mum could contribute? Like school lunches? Uniform? At least?

Did the dh present it as a ‘WE are happy to pay for it’ to his ex even though he hadn’t discussed or reached an agreement with the OP?
Like the dsd is aware of the proposal, before the OP was even told about her involvement….. nearly tge dh is tryimg to force her hand.

When you say he pays the lion's share how much are we talking? You say you pay the extras like lunches etc but that's only s couple of grand a year while he's paying something like 40k already.

Do you only pay lunches etc or do you contribute anything to the school fees in general? Your post isn't clear and i think it makes a big difference.
If his eldest can't go to the same school because he's paying all the fees already you should absolutely pay more so that his eldest is treated the same.
If you're paying anything like 50 50 or even 60 40 then no the issue is for him to sort with the mother

"DSD wasn’t sent to private school when she started school or when she went into Year 7 because her mum was against private education. That was her view at the time and DH went along with it. She’s now not against the move, but has been quite clear that she won’t be paying private school fees. Her position is that if DH really wants her to go there then he will have to pay for it."

Given all the posts about how she was against private school even before the other 2 kids were born I think this is more she doesn't want to pay rather than she can't afford it.

And as I said even if she said look I get the reason and benefit of moving her but based on my income etc this is what I can afford I would even respect that but her attitude is NO I am not paying so if you want to move her you have to pay. Unless she doesn't think this is will benefit to her daughter then she should say so.

So again this is all on DH he had to test all his 3 kids equally which means paying the same for each of them. If ex wife reudssed to step up then he has to find the shortfall or take them all out of private school not expect OP to cover it.

Why?
And how come the OO should be responsible for paying for her dsd when the ex doesn’t?

He wants the OP to pay more to help him afford to
pay for the eldest but currently OP doesn’t pay half for the younger two

I have not read the whole thread, but if the two younger DDs go to a private school, then surely the possibility that the older one may want to at some point should have been taken into consideration?

This kind of scenario becomes more murky and difficult where it is the step parent funding the school fees or whatever. But here it is the biological father doing so. If he is putting money towards his younger DDs school fees, he needs to do exactly the same for the older one.

Yeah maybe it’s time to reorganise the family finances.
So as PPs have suggested, add up all the family outgoings including school fees for shared children and then divide contributions proportionately by income. Your partner may or may not find that this system releases enough capital to pay school fees for his daughter.

Hmm, looking from his side, it’d be reasonable for him to split the amount he currently contributes to your two’s fees, between three instead - and then ask you whether you’d prefer to pay more to keep things as they are, or reduce the extra curricular clubs / lunches and economise elsewhere to shift that money to pay the fees instead. He has less money now as another cost has come up, and it’s not your place to argue about how he splits the amount of money he currently contributes to fees.

He’d also be within his rights to say that if he can’t afford private for all, he would choose that no one has it, and stop his contribution to all school fees. He could achieve parity between his children by shifting his funds into other areas which benefit all of his children. This is the position I would take if I was him (to be fair I would have made this clear from the word go.) In this case you would have to decide whether you wanted the private enough for your ch to pay for it yourself.

Is SD living with you most of the time? I think you’re likely to have a strained relationship further down the line as it’ll be very obvious that there’s not parity between the siblings. Children don’t see the reasoning behind ‘I’m just paying for my own’.

If she is only there occasional weekends that strain will be easier to manage.

What I’m seeing here is
husband had a child with his ex and that child went to state school
he then split up with her mother

he got with you - had 2 kids who then got put in private schooling I’m guessing at your request? As the eldest daughter’s mum clearly didn’t push this for the eldest one and he can’t have been bothered.

the question here is if you divorce this gas lighting idiot who isn’t treating all 3 girls the same - could YOU afford to pay for your kids school fees if he says he can’t/wont as part of the divorce settlement

what’s the plan for university

this is the burning question IMO

Its not a “stepmum” issue it’s another “blended family issue”

While I don’t think it is directly your responsibility to ensure this is fair for your SD, I do think it is definitely your DH’s. He really should have factored this into his financial planning when you decided to send your shared DC, but as it is now he’ll need to sort it. SD is already at a disadvantage compared to her siblings for having missed the prep years but it’s time for him to make amends. The consequence of this is he may have to reduce the amount that goes into the family pot. You may then need to pay a larger contribution yourself than you are currently, or you as a family may need to make some sacrifices in other areas (eg holidays). As long as you each have a similar amount left at the end of each month for yourselves it stays fair.

YANBU. It's for her parents to pay for, it's absolutely nothing to do with you. Why on earth your husband thinks it's ok to ask you to help pay when the mother is refusing to contribute

As per their own AGREEMENT because she earns a hell of a lot less than him.

Which means asking her to lay part of those fees is going back on the agreement. Is that ok?
And why should she pay half of the cost if she earns much less than him?

On the basis that he is only looking at paying for his oldest child for age 13-18, and for his younger 2 for age 4-18 and he is paying more than 50% of the fees for the younger ones, I tend to think that the younger children are not the ones being short changed.

It's for her parents to pay for
And so shouldn’t she be paying half for her own dc?

Why don't you and your husband split the youngest fees 50/50 then it will free up his money to pay for his daughter. I understand where you're coming from and feeling funny about paying for step daughter but your husband has an obligation to treat all of his children equally and right now he's very clearly favouring your children which isn't fair on step daughter.
You married a man with a child, it's a bit unfair to force your husband to treat her differently to her siblings.

Yes - so in that case the DH needs to find savings from other things - e.g. move to a smaller house or just not send any of the DDs to private school. They need to be treated equally by him.

Or your daughters could join her in public school...think how much money you would have to have days out as a family etc?

Paying towards Lunches and trips is neither here nor there compared to the total bill. Your children are benefiting from an expensive private education of which you seemingly contribute very little. You have savings which are “yours” (doubt the response would be the same if you were a man that would be classed as marital funds but there we are). Your husband can’t afford to pay for 3 kids fees … personally I don’t see the point in private for the 5 year old (or 7 really) however if I was your husband I’d likely be saying ok then we will prioritise secondary private education pull the youngest out and fund eldest - by the time she leaves your next eldest will be ready for secondary and can go private then. If you don’t like that then you’ll have to stump up some cash